I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Lindsay’s not gonna like this.

After the craptastic—yeah, I should probably just call it crap—Lifetime move, Liz & Dick, starring former actress, current homeless party crasher, Lindsay Lohan, bombed on TV into a cascade of jokes, bad dialogue, and high-larious pictures of Lohan as Taylor, comes news that yet another movie about the legendary screen giant—seriously, you don’t think I mean Lohan, do you?—Liz Taylor is about to be made.

The new film, not entitled Liz & Dick, but called the far more interesting Burton & Taylor, will star Helena Bonham Carter as Taylor, even though, to quote HBC: “I look nothing like her,” with Dominic West playing Richard Burton.

This TV movie--filmed for the BBC and not for, well, craptastic Lifetime--will focus on their relationship in the ’80s, after their second divorce while Lohan’s—for lack of a better word—portrayal of Liz was from the 60s and 70s Liz and Dick.

Still, you gotta wonder how Lindsay feels knowing a second TV film is being rushed into production so that the image of Lohan as Liz can forever be eradicated from our mind’s eye.

I used to watch Up All Night because Christina Applegate and Will Arnett were high-larious in it. It never did very well in the ratings despite having a pretty phenomenal cast, including Oprah-esque Maya Rudolph, and NBC has tinkered with the show incessantly, trying to make it work. In fact, they tinkered so much, that Applegate has chosen to leave.

Yup, Applegate has left the building, saying: “It’s been a great experience working on Up All Night, but the show has taken a different creative direction, and I decided it was best for me to move on to other endeavors.”

Code for NBC is gonna 'eff' this mother up and I'm getting out before the train wrecks.

And so the show about the hard partying couple whose lives were shaken up when they had a baby will go on, though the mother of the baby, played by Applegate, won't be there any longer, and the show will focus on Arnett, the baby daddy, and Rudolph, the mama's friend.

How this will work is....oh hell, we all know it won't work.

Say goodnight already.

So, Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana got their ALLEGED swerve on for about a year before splitting up, and Zoe’s not taking the news so well. She’s desperate to get the Oscar nominee back but the other woman in Bradley's life, his mama, ain't feeling it.

Gloria Cooper, who lives with her movie star son, has told Bradley not to go back to Zoe because she just isn’t so sure she’s the right 'girl' for him.

Hmmm, maybe Bradley doesn't need a girl, if you get my meaning, and if those nagging rumors are true.

Note to self: find out where Gloria Cooper gets her nails done and get the manicurist right next to her.

Mr. and Mr. Bradley Cooper has a nice ring to it, no?

In an interview for CBS Sunday Morning, John Mayer dubbed himself a “jerk” and came clean about his previous dating life--in what smells like a desperate attempt to keep current f**k buddy Katy Perry by his side--with the gals, Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, Taylor Swift, and Jennifer Love Hewitt .... Wait. Mayer dated Hewitt. Wow. That's a skank I never smelled before.

Anyway, John also notes that the backlash that came with his overly candid--and disrespectful--interviews was hard on him because he lost his singing voice due to lesions on his vocal chords, and had to have surgery, as well as injections in his neck, in order to fix the problem.

Wow, I didn't know, and all I can say is, Go back to being a jerk--because you do it so well-and then maybe you'll lose your voice again and we'll never have to hear from you again.

Just sayin'.

So, with court cases, tax liens, and no real career to speak of, rumors surfaced that Lindsay Lohan had moved back into Mama Dina's Crack and Chardonnay B&B on Long Island. She was even sleeping in her old bedroom.

Oh, not so fast ye of little faith. Lindsay wants y'all to know that she is not renting her old room at Chez Cocaine, but she is, in fact, living the high live in a dee-luxe apartment in the sky-y-y-y. One that's owned by a friend, of course. The friend who is letting Lindsay stay there rent free until she finds a place of her own.

Good thing because Lohan, up to her firecrotch in bills can't pay no rent. And good thing she got outta Mama Dina's manse because that house is just seconds away from foreclosure. Maybe Dina will rent a couple of penthouse rooms out to Dina; one to sleep in, and one to house the chardonnay.

Toni Braxton has decided to call it quits on her 20-year music career: “I don’t feel the love for music anymore. It’s not affecting me, making me feel that thing I’ve always felt when I perform."

Music issued a statement: This is news to us, because we left Toni in 1996, right after Unbreak My Heart so we don't know what she's talking about.

Now, a bit more on Lohan, and her savior/benefactor/drug dealer, Charlie Sheen.

Last week Lindsay showed up at the AMFAR event in New York and everyone was surprised because, well, she’s a high class call girl, and she’s broke, and how could she possibly afford a dress for the party?

I mean, does anyone seriously believe any designer would ‘loan’ Sticky Fingers Lohan a dress, shoes and jewels? Why take the risk that they would either be stolen, or lost, or come back with some kind of, um, stain on them.

So, having no one to turn to, and realizing that all of Dina’s clothes look like leftovers from the Who’s The Boss closet, Lindsay turned to Charlie, who arranged with stylist Philip Bloch to get something for Lohan; and Charlie coughed up the dough for the shimmering Cavalli gown Lohan wore that night.

And Bloch is talking about how he took Charlie’s money and stretched it as far as he could go, but, you know, even he says it wasn’t his best work.

Lipstick on a pig, you know.

Poor Justin Bieber, he wants to be taken seriously as an ‘artiste.’

And, he thinks, to that he needs to win a Grammy, which is hard to do when you don’t even get nominated. Which is where this story starts….

On the heels of his heartbreaking Grammy snub and breakup from Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber’s reckless partying has his loved ones—and those who depended on him for a paycheck … Which could also be his loved ones—in a panic and begging him to enter rehab.

In fact, since the break up, and the Grammy snub, Bieber has ALLEGEDLY had a drug-fueled hookup with a nursing student, has been seen frequently smoking marijuana, drinking the street cocktail “sizzurp,” driving recklessly and partying to all hours of the night.

Um, he’s eighteen, right? Isn’t that what all eighteen-year-old Lesbians do? I mean, when they have no real, discernible talent other than warbling off-key for pre-pubescent girls?