I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

First off, I need to say I loathe Gwyneth Paltrow. Even though Harvey Weinstein ‘bought’ her an Oscar a few years back, she really is the worst hacktress out there; aside from Lohan of course. But what I loathe most about Paltrow is how she loves to give her advice on how one should live one’s life, and, of course, live it like Paltrow. She’s even created her own website, Goop—which I think is a play on words and really means sh*t—to tell the minions of the world how to be more Paltrow.

In her latest Goop-letter which focuses on her ‘Spring Edit’, Paltrow gives you a list of ‘must haves’ for a new season. But, not only does Paltrow name-drop a list of fancy designer clothes that world’s unwashed and un-Oscared™ must own, but she actually models the looks on her site.

Whatever. Here’s the kicker: if you want to dress like Gwyneth—just for this one season, mind you—you’ll need to spend $458,000. See, she recommends things like “a $425 white leather crop-top from Theyksens’ Theory, shiny orange Maiyet shorts for $475, a $925 leopard print Charlotte Olympia clutch, Jimmy Choo heels for $575, a $795 Swarovski crystal necklace and a $1,590 bangle bracelet from Saint Laurent.”

This leads me to realize that ‘Paltrow’ is Polish for ‘out of touch actress who has a far too high and mighty view of herself.’

We all know that Rihanna has terrible taste in men. I mean, what else can you say about the gal that goes back to the douche that punched her in the face for looking at his phone?

But now, it seems, at least according to the National Enquirer—don’t judge….they broke the John Edwards story—Rihanna has a way of getting back at Chris for punching her and then hooking back up with her and then cheating on her. She is ALLEGEDLY doing the nasty with Dane Cook.

It seems the singer and the, for lack of a better word, comic, have been friends for years, until Rihanna decided friends with benefits would be a nice way to show Chris Brown what a special girl she is. A source—and you know it’s Lohan lying on the floor under a bar in a pool of her own vomit, texting TMZ—says, “They hang out in Dane’s dressing room and sometimes he goes back to her Pacific Palisades home to party. Rihanna’s friends all think they’re carrying on a romance, but she’s very secretive about it. She wants to keep everyone guessing, especially Chris.”

Until he finds out and the fists come out. Again.

With lockdown looming, Lohan has been quiet this week, probably just getting drunk’n’high in her hotel room. But a new story has come out about her relationship with her doofus lawyer, Mark Heller, and his family. Apparently Mark isn’t the only Heller she’s involved with … legally. It seems Heller’s son Mike is in charge of something called Lohan’s ‘branding’, which, sadly, doesn’t involve taking a hot piece of bent iron and tagging her saggy ass.

Lohan has been a longtime friend/concubine/drug mule, ALLEGEDLY, for Michael Heller, a club promoter turned entrepreneur. He stages celebrity photo ops—and probably personally picked that hooker outfit Lohan wore to court last week—and brand-related party appearances, so it seems like he is providing the cracktress with some much needed income since her film career is basically over.

“Mike books gigs for Lindsay and they’ve known each other for a long time,” a Lohan insider named Dina, accepting payment in tequila, said.  “She’s not likely to part ways with his father anytime soon, because of her strong ties to his son. Without brand promotion, Lindsay would be in a lot deeper financial trouble.”

In fact, Boy Heller was the one who whisked Lindsay from NYC to LA, aboard the private Mr. Pink jet, when her commercial flight was delayed. It’s nice when the pimps help their girls get to court, isn’t it?

And, what’s a girl to do while waiting for her lockdown-rehab to begin? Well, if you’re Lindsay Lohan, you’ll spend a few days with Charlie Sheen, guest-starring on his FX show, and possibly getting high in a hotel room together,. Then it’s off to Brazil. 

Perhaps someone should check on our extradition treaty with Brazil.

Oh, why? Better to let her stay there and become Brazil’s problem.

Wow, I knew he had a big head, literally, but Will Smith has a really big head.

See, Smith was rumored to be Quentin Tarantino’s first pick for the role of Django in Django Unchained but, after begging to be the star, turned it down because he didn’t get to kill the bad guy and he wasn’t the star.

Will Smith: “Django wasn’t the lead, so it was like, I need to be the lead. The other character [Christoph Waltz’ character] was the lead! I was like, ‘No, Quentin, please, I need to kill the bad guy!’”

Funny, Waltz was considered a supporting actor in the film, and won the Oscar as such, while Jamie Foxx, who played Django, was promoted as the star. I imagine Smith was more concerned about playing opposite a real actor in Waltz and that was the reason he bowed out.

Will Smith. Big star. Bigger ego.

Meanwhile, back at Rihanna.

She seems to have a taken a page out of Little Miss Justin Bieber’s playbook. A few weeks ago, Bieber kept tens of his prepubescent fans waiting because he was two hours late for his show; many, in fact, left early because they have to be in bed by 8PM.

Now, it seems, Rihanna has decided that being tardy is the new publicity stunt.

See, RiRi was scheduled to give a show at a Chicago high school a week ago; the students won the free show because of the video they created showcasing their philanthropic work that was set to Rihanna auto-tunes. These kids, who were on spring break but came back to school for the show, waited four hours for her Assholiness to appear.

Her official excuse? Chicago traffic is bad; and Rihanna Instagrammed a picture to prove it … except the picture was taken when she was already three hours late. And then, to pile on the I don’t have time for this shiz, I’m Rihanna nonsense, once she finally arrived she, um, sang [?] for fifteen minutes and then left.

One student, who helped with the philanthropic video—which showed the student’s efforts in helping out tornado victims—called it “The Surviving Rihanna Event.”

But then, she probably had to get back to schtupping Dane Cook and dodging Chris Brown’s punches.

I love when smarmy smartass James Franco gets served, and it’s especially good when he gets served by David Letterman.

See, Franco was on Letterman this past week and asked Dave to finally reveal why his friend and film-maker, Harmony Korine, whose appearances on past shows have been d-i-sastrous, had been asked to never come back. Franco tells the story that Korine says he was banned from the show because he ALLEGEDLY pushed Meryl Streep backstage.

Well, for that he should have been shot, but that wasn’t true.

So Letterman revealed the true story for the first time. “I went upstairs to greet Meryl Streep and welcome her to the show, and I knock on the door … and she was not in there. And I looked around, and she was not in there, and I found Harmony going through her purse. True story. And so I said: ‘That’s it, put her things back in her bag and then get out.’”

The best part isn’t the image of Letterman going all Keystone Kops on Korine, but the look on Franco’s face when he realizes it was shoving a living legend that got his friend banned, it’s that his friend was a petty thief.

Letterman said he would now be happy to have the director, who completed rehab more than a decade ago. That might be all right, but do we need to keep having Franco on?

I got nothing on Justin Bieber this week. I mean, we could talk about him being two hours late for a concert; we could talk about him going all Gibson on a papparazzo; we could talk about him being accused of assault and battery on his neighbor. Or, we could just look at this photo and laugh at Lil Justine being carried out of a car by her bodyguard.

Precious.

Oops. I guess I spoke too soon about Lindsay Lohan being a good girl this week.

After her first day on the set of fellow cracktor Charlie Sheen’s ‘Anger Management’ people were raving about how great she was:

“Lindsay knew her lines cold and her timing was perfect. She was really funny.” 

“Lindsay was incredibly nice.”

“Lindsay proved she has talent. You watch her and you know why she became a star.” 

Yeah, that was Day One; Day Two was a whore of a different color.

A source from the Anger Management set—did Dina get a day job?—says that, by the time Lohan was done shooting her guest spot on Sheen’s FX comedy, the cast, included Charlie himself, and crew were thinking that hiring her wasn’t worth the aggravation.

“She was a colossal pain in the ass,” one source says. “It’s a shame, because when she actually gets on camera she is good and has comedic timing. But she comes with so much luggage it’s not worth it…The first day was fine, she showed up early and did her job.”

But, the source adds, “from the moment she arrived yesterday she did nothing but hold up the production. She would sit in her trailer and stall and she delayed until she up and left for her boyfriend’s concert…She held everyone hostage. They almost called police to escort her off the set.”

Lindsay, ever delusional, Tweeted: “I just had such a wonderful day on set of #angermanagement with @charliesheen & @LIGHTAARON @SaveTheSociety @jazejazz7 and the entire crew!”

An insider from Lohan’s camp naturally refutes the accusations, and denies that Lohan deliberately held up the production. But, um, Lindsay was set to tape on Monday and then finish on Tuesday, but she had to go back Wednesday and finish up because of her delaying tactics.

But, here’s the deal with Sheen and his show: Shaddup. You hired her, you know who she is and what she does; seriously, someone must have read about her time on the craptastic Liz & Dick, and her d-i-sastrous porn debut in The Canyons, and yet you still hired her.

You get what you pay for, and when you pay for a drug and alcohol addicted narcissist, well, then, like I said….

Shaddup.