I Ain't One To Gossip, But ...

Okay, so People Magazine made a deal with Paltrow's publicist to name her 'Most Beautiful Woman' while at the same time the People Of The World named her the 'Most Hated Celebrity' but I'd like to nominate her for the I-Think-People-Are-So-Stupid-They’ll-Believe-Whatever-Comes-Out-Of-My-Mouth award.

See, this week Gwyneth Paltrow attended the premiere of Iron Man 3 wearing a rather hideous dress with sheer side panels and wack-a-doodie sleeves. And then she played like she had no idea her flabby ass cheeks were exposed, telling Ellen:

 “I had kind of a disaster. I was doing a show and I changed there and I went and I couldn’t wear underwear. Well, let’s just say everyone went scrambling for a razor… I went from being the most beautiful to the most humiliated. In one day.”

Um, simmer down sir. Most beautiful? Hardly. Best paid publicist? Of course.

But here’s my issue: you know damn well Paltrow saw a slew of dresses to wear to her big event, and you know damn well she tried many of them on, especially the one she chose, in case it needed alterations.So the whole Oops, there goes my ass bit is another Paltrow lie. As for the ‘scrambling for a razor’ line.

Yuck. She makes me pine for Lohan news ….

Speaking of ….

Lindsay Lohan has ALLEGEDLY blown off yet another legal case as she readies herself for court-ordered rehab—that story below.

See, Lohan was sued last year by Nubia Del Carmen Preza, who claims that, back in 2010, Lindsay ran a red light, injuring her and barely missing the baby stroller she was pushing back. The nanny’s lawyer filed legal docs demanding that Lindsay answer certain questions about the incident, but apparently Lindsay blew it off and never responded.

Stop and ponder those questions: did you hit me? Where was the water bottle of vodka? Did you say someone else was driving yet you were the only one in the car? What happened to your lips? Hell, what happened to your career.

A hearing is set for May 8 where a judge will decide whether to fine Lohan for ignoring the questions. Now, Lohan won’t be in court that day because, this time she has a good reason: locked up in rehab.

Now, on to someone who could have been Lohan if she had any talent to mix in with her drinking and drugging and idiotic behavior. Yeah, I’m lookin’ at you Tara Reid. It seems Tara wants everyone to know that she is not friends with Lindsay Lohan, telling TMZ, “We don’t really like each other that much.” And then adding, like this is a good thing:

“If I get drunk, I’m a happy drunk, you know? When she gets drunk, she’s just mean. She’s so paranoid, she takes her drink anytime someone thinks she has a camera phone on, and drops it in the ice bucket … I think this girl gets chance, after chance, after chance, after chance. I just feel like … she keeps getting to move onto different stories and my stories that are bad about me keep getting stuck with me.”

She has a point that Lohan has had too many chances, but Lohan at least had a viable career before she tanked. Reid is most well-known for cheesy films and baring a surgically altered breast on the red carpet and not knowing it was exposed because, A] she was too drunk, or B] the surgical scars were numb to the cold temperatures so she couldn’t feel her breast jiggling in the breeze, or, C] A & B.

Tara Reid, you sir, are no Lindsay Lohan. Consider yourself lucky.

When she's not trying to censor the Internet of ugly pictures of herself, or wearing a rubber baby pregnancy bump—c’mon you saw that video, you know it—or writing, producing, directing and starring in a documentary about herself, Beyoncé outdoes JLo on the tour rider requests, proving she is the biggest narcissistic diva out there.

One of her requests? $900 worth of drinking straws for her dressing rooms. See, Beyoncé needs $900 for titanium straws, which will be used to drink a special alkaline water that's served at exactly 21 degrees. The temperature of her heart, I think.

She also demands that her entire crew, from drivers to set riggers and roadies, wear only 100% pure cotton to save her from allergic reactions. In addition, she must have plain off-white walls in her dressing rooms, with a new toilet seat at every event, and she will only use red toilet paper. Say what?

Plus, there’s also the demand for a the hand-carved ice-ball to suck after every performance to cool her throat, along with the banning of junk food in favor of glass platters of almonds, oatcakes and green-only crudités.

Of course, this isn’t the first time that Beyoncé’s demands have been made public. For her Super Bowl performance, she ALLEGEDLY demanded that Blue Ivy's $22,000 cedar crib be shipped from New York to New Orleans, and her personal dressing room be stocked with $6,000 worth of imported cigars and alcohol for her husband Jay-Z. 

To her, um, credit[?] Beyoncé feels these small requests help her create a fantastic performance because, you know, girl can’t thrust her hips unless she knows there’s a grand in titanium straws backstage.

An insider—and it’s probably Jay-Z because his hand is everywhere—says, "She's extremely regimented and is taking everything extremely seriously, so she expects her list of demands to be adhered too and every detail be taken in. Working so hard and with the toll the travel takes on her body in addition to the intense shows, she feels that her requests aren't too much to ask for as she wants to ensure everything goes to plan."

Uh huh. In plain speak, it means she’s a controlling diva who needs to be pampered or else she throws a fit.

Okay, back to Lohan, who skipped out on rehab as we speak ...more on that further down .....

But, before not going in there were lots of things to do. Pay all those pesky household expenses? No. Call family and friends and have a little chat? Not so much.

As she readied herself for Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach, Calif.—where she was ALLEGEDLY headed in 2010 for another court-ordered rehab sentence before checking into UCLA Medical Center, followed by the Betty Ford Center—she made sure she's properly packed.

Lohan actually posted a photo on her Instagram showing herself sitting among endless piles of clothes in her apartment with the caption: "90 days and 270 looks."

That’s right: her key chore before going to rehab for drinking and drugging and general criminal behavior, was to make sure she would never be seen in the same outfit twice.

You cannot choose your parents, though I bet Katy Perry wishes you could return them.

It seems that while her parents, Keith and Mary, have made a nice living off their daughter’s name by circumventing the globe to speak at churches and publicizing themselves as “Katy Perry’s parents” they also spend a great deal of their time criticizing their paycheck’s daughter’s choice of career because they hoped she’d be a faith healer. Hmmm. Faith healer? Pop star? Which one makes the most money so Mom and Dad never have to work again?

And while they take her money and live the good life, Katy’s dad, Keith, likes to denigrate his daughter at every turn. He once said she would be going to Hell for singing about being a fake lesbian in ‘I Kissed A Girl’ and now he’s talking some more.

He’s actually calling his paycheck daughter a “devil child” and said in one of his ‘sermons,’ “I was at a concert of Katy’s where there were 20,000. I’m watching this generation and they were going at it. It almost looked like church. I stood there and wept and kept on weeping and weeping. They’re loving and worshipping the wrong thing.”

Then he and his wife ask for donations—“not one or two dollars, but 20s”—so they can continue on to Switzerland and lambast their paycheck daughter. They even go so far as asking people to “pray for Katy.”

Pray she keeps working and sending those checks so Daddy can go on the road and call her a Devil.

Speaking of God-awful parents, let’s check in on Demi Moore.

She seems to be getting on with her life after her grandson/husband cheated on her and then divorced her and after she had a mishap with Whip-Its and ended up in rehab and then hid herself away like this century’s Norma Desmond.

She recently resurfaced looking healthy, happy and like she was over Ashton and ready to move on with a new love, who, this time, is 18 years her junior, entrepreneur Harry Morton. You might remember Harry has also dated Lindsay Lohan, but what you may not know is that Harry also dated Demi’s oldest daughter, Rumer.

Yup, Mama’s schtupping her daughter’s ex-boyfriend.

And, in fact, she has moved Harry into her home and if history repeats itself, Harry Morton might just become his former girlfriend’s StepBoyfriendDaddy.

Here’s the latest Lohan scoop:

• She rejected a rehab facility in the Hamptons because they wouldn’t let her smoke.
• She said she would go to Morningside rehab in Newport Beach, California, but waited until the last possible minute to fly from New York to LA.
• Her lawyer and the prosecutor met with the judge in an emergency hearing because no one had signed off on this new rehab, but then the judge Okayed the change.
• Then we heard that Lohan had checked in at Morningside and the checked herself right back out—must have been a hot party goin’ on in town.
• The truth is that Lindsay never checked into Morningside at all; she showed up outside in an SUV, sat in the car for a hot minute, and then drove off, and went shopping at a Fry's Electronics in the valley instead. She must think retail therapy counts as rehab. That's Lohan up there, at Fry's.
• This morning the LA city attorney is going before the judge to ask for an arrest warrant.
• Lohan is begging, b-e-g-g-i-n-g, her former attorney—the one she never paid and then fired—Shawn Holley to return as her lawyer because she is pissed off at Mark Heller for recommending Morningside.
• Holley has agreed to take Lohan back—and apparently plan on never getting paid—and has, in fact, been in touch with prosecutors, trying to get them to agree to a rehab facility other than Morningside.
• It seems Lohan has been cleared by the judge to check into the Betty Ford center, again, in a deal brokered by Shawn Holley, though it’s unclear if she ever checked in there either.
• A source—Hey Dina—claims Lohan didn’t want to go to Morningside because they would not meet her list of demands, like, she needed her cell phone with her at all times; I mean, how else do you score an eight ball.

So, as of now, Lohan is going back to Betty Ford at some point, where she is allowed day passes, and probably cocktail tickets at the nearest bar. But, remember, this is the same place where she tried to clean herself up a few years ago and ALLEGEDLY, after breaking her curfew one night, when one of the staffers tried to stop her, Lindsay beat the woman with a phone.

Stay tuned.