HGTV Star and Food Network Star! A Recap and Rant

DESIGN STAR!

So, they changed the name from Design Star to Star because, you know how I feel, it isn’t an awful lot of design as it is shopping and space planning and HGTV Shopping and Space Planning Star is just too hard to write, so it’s Star!

This week each designer gets a blank vignette and is asked to create a space that showed off their unique style and their brand; they were also tasked with creating a wallpaper and a fabric, and then it was fill the space with things they bought—the list of stores was too long to even mention—and use accessories of the Lord & Taylor One King’s Lane Accessory wall; think Project Runway Rip-off.

Now, I’m’a keep it simple for y’all and just give a run through, so let’s rip.....

Abby: Kooky, zany, bug the sh*t outta me Abby. She called her space ‘Saturated Bohemian’ and I called it Old Lady Parlor Rorschach Test. I got the tsouris just looking at how busy this space was, but the judges loved it because, well, they’re idiots. More on that later. She is safe.

Anne: Bright red hair in a bright red space. Really, Anne? There was some drama about whether or not Boris actually picked up the bedding she had on hold—my guess is that he didn’t pick it up on purpose because he’s a shifty eyed diva bitch. That’s my take. But Anne’s room was so bright it scorched my retinas and that’s not good. She is also safe and paying for my visit to the eye doctor.

Boris: Slick, too shiny; and I’m not talking about his space, but his face. Ambiguously gay, openly deceptive; that’s my take. He called his room ‘Comfortable Luxury’ and the judges raved about the chandelier he bought; not designed, but purchased. I could have done that. What I wouldn’t have done is that sloppy duct-tape reupholstery job he did on those chairs. But he’s safe.

Jerabai: Dumb name; obligatory straight guy. Hot. Real hot. Smokin’ hot with a sexy smile. Plus, when it came to creating a brand his was by far the best, and so simple because it was just his initials, JT. The judges didn’t like his last-second art piece because the paint dribbled when he hung it, but I liked it, dribble and all, though it may have had more to do with Jerabai being so hot. And then suddenly, I’m really startin’ to feel the name. He’s safe. And hot.

Tiffany—AKA Lovely from Food network Star’s sister, I think. She went all office-y but I didn’t like how she clumped everything together in the middle of the room. If you got the space, use it! She’s safe.

Jessie: She said, and I quote, ahem, cough cough: “Leopard print is my favorite color.” Jessie needed to go home for that. But she was safe.

Tylor: The Actual Gay Guy; and cute, but not on Jerabai levels. He called his space ‘Midwest modern’ while I thought it more Boutique Hotel. Still, what was with his fabric? He said it was bottles, some said it was shovels; some called it ladles and others called it craftsman. In other words, it didn’t work, but he was safe.

Cris: She’s Latina and from Miami and is all about Bold Colors, except in this room. Seriously, honey, didja think you could win Design Star with a silver chaise, because you can’t; no, no. She should have been knocked off except for …

Tobin: Beefy, and if it wasn’t for Jerabai’s hot smile, I would have been all up in Tobin’s business. Oh, except that he was first to get knocked off because he said his style was vintage and industrial and then he gave Mid-century sleek and modern. Buh-bye Beefcake.

Brooks: Crazy. Crazy like a crazy fox with crazy hair and a crazy aesthetic and pink and Smell-o-design™. He doesn’t have a lot of practical experience and his room is a blazing example of Wack-a-doo Crazy, but at least it’s a style all his own. It’s like Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe in a Pretty In Pink Stephen King novel. And he got the win.

My Take [And I’ll Keep It Simple]

How can HGTV call this HGTV Star when the judges on the show don’t have a single show between them? The Goiter? Besides schtupping a higher-up at the network what does she do? And is Vern there just to capture the Gay Minority audience? And Sabrina Soto? WTF is a Sabrina Soto other than a pitch-woman for Target? Even David Bromstad’s show can’t be found with regularity at the network.

But I’ll keep watching in the hopes that Jerabai decides to leave his wife for me.

Did you watch?

Did you care?

What do you think?

FOOD NETWORK STAR!

Another Star! Oy. Week Two, and it’s a Burger Bash! That’s right, to be a Food Network Star you gotta make a burger to feed a hundred folks and then sell it! And if the audience member orders your burger, you get a point. But again, I’m’a keep this simple for y’all and just rip ….

Lovely: A turkey burger with blue cheese butter and caramelized onions. Oh, honey, a chimp could do that in his sleep. But, while the audience loved her presentation, and she tied with Russell for the most tokens at 15, the audience that ate her burger said it wasn’t good, I.e. not Lovely. She was safe.

Chad: He’s good on camera but if he’s gonna do BBQ all the time—this week was a BBQ burger with Kickass Cole Slaw and a fried green tomato—I’m’a get bored fast. Except he’s that rugged handsome Daddy Chef, so, well, yeah, I’m shallow. Chad got 14 tokens and he was safe.

Nikki: She’s semi-vegetarian, whatever that means. She made a burger that was mostly veggie and a little bit meat and no texture or flavor. She got 6 tokens, and was in the Bottom Three but was safe.

Viet: He looks like the Food Network’s Vern Yip only a heckuva lot cuter and with more talent. He made a Banh mi burger with duck-fat aioli and mushroom pate and then also used his presentation time to drive home the fact that he beat Smug Smarmy [Smuggy? Smargy?] Bobby Flay on Iron Chef and the crowd loved him. Plus, his burger had great flavor. He’s Pia Z’adorable and he’s safe.

Damaris: She reverts to overt sexuality to mask the fact that she isn’t that good. I mean, she spent more time shakin’ her boobies than flippin’ her burgers and she put pimiento cheese on a burger. She should have been taken out and grilled for that alone. She got 7 tokens and a save.

Danushka: Mean girl made a mean little lamb slider and once again came across to the audience as unfriendly and, well, kinda bullying. But they showed her because just two guys gave her tokens and I think they mostly did it so they could talk to a real live model before they die. Still, two tokens were enough to keep her safe and I think that’s because she’s this year’s Bitch and they want a bitchy show.

Andres: He lost almost half his body weight, going from 330 lbs to 180 lbs but he thinks his point-of-view should be teaching young guys to cook. Huh? Dude, you lost half of yourself through a better diet, show that to the crowd. His Frita burger—ground pork and ground beef [though it also needed chorizo—was bland; yes, Cuban food bland. That’s a sin that earned him just 3 tokens and a trip home.

Rodney: The Pie Man made a Bison burger pie, AKA a burger on a flour tortilla basically. Plus, his presentation was give at a breakneck pace and the judges thought the Pie Tie-in was forced. With 7 tokens, Rodney Rockstar gets a save.

Chris: Used car salesman. Snake oil salesman. Carnival barker. All good for business, but you best have a good burger to back it up and he didn’t. While flavorful, it was a case of oversell, even with 13 tokens.

Stacey: She made a burger with chorizo and beef and jalapeno aioli and pico de gallo and it wasn’t spicy. The judges don’t like when you promise spice and don’t deliver. But still, 9 people gave it a shot and she was safe.

Russell: He brought his Sins of Cooking: sugar, salt, fat, bacon and liquor. Everything tastes better with sin and the audience loved it, rewarding him with 15 tokens for burgers. His Beef and lamb burger with his sinful additions was the hit of the week and Russell gets the Big Nod from the Food God, Alton Brown.

My Take:

Viet is just so cute and has a really distinctive style. He’s my favorite to win.

Danushka needs to get pushed in front of a food cart, preferably by Nikki.

Lovely? Stop. You’re not.

Damaris? Get off the pole and into the kitchen if you want to even stay on much longer.

Russell? You had me at bacon and liquor/

What did you think?