I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Kim Kardashian will never learn, not even when she’s an eighty-year-old, many-times divorced woman still fighting to appear relevant by hawking herself all over reality TV. I mean, c'mon, she hooks up with Kanye West and quicker than you can say ‘Oops, I’m married to someone else’ she’s pregnant. By a man who is vehemently opposed to appearing on her reality show. So, what is she to do? Get off TV? Hardly.

Kash Kow has persuaded Kanye to make an appearance on her show during an episode featuring her baby shower. Sidenote: Kash Kow Kim said she didn’t want cameras around after the baby was born to give them some privacy, but I guess whoring out the baby shower, and the doctor’s visits, and the ultrasound doesn’t matter as long as it gives her more dollars to shove in her purse by whoring her child out a la Kris Jenner.

A source—and you know it’s Kris—says, “Kim nagged [Kanye] until he agreed when she said it would look really bad if he didn’t show up. Kanye thinks it’s silly to even go to the baby shower since he will be the only man there. He will be there for less than ten minutes, tops. It was important to Kim that he go, so he agreed.”

Now, I admit, I don’t know nuthin’ ‘bout no baby shower etiquette, but isn’t it generally the baby mama—in the old days it would have been wife and mother—and her girlfriends? Maybe some Baby Daddies wanna be there, but Kanye? He doesn’t even seem to wanna spend time with Kim. 

I think the Sell By Date on a Kimye life together is ticking down to zero.

Chris Brown hit another woman. Well, he hit her car with his car. 

It seems he rear-ended another car last week while out with his on-again-off-again-not-Rihanna girlfriend, Karrueche Tran, and apparently :::shocker::: he was quite an ass with the woman whose car he crashed into. He refused to give her his driver’s license number, and also gave her bogus insurance info as well, and now the LAPD are investigating the crash.

And if it’s found that he violated probation, then it’s off to the slammer for Chrissy where he’ll make someone a nice bitch.

For his part, Chris is denying this story and says the woman’s car—the one he rear-ended—had no damage, so I’m guessing he’ll write a big fat check and the whole thing will go away.

Oh Beyoncé. Grrl got a little too close to one of her minions and didn’t like what happened next.

During her ‘live’ show, Beyoncé goes up to some of her followers in the front row and let’s them sing one of her songs—because, you know, she was probably lip-syncing and got all tired and stuff. Most of the time, these audience members sing off-key and everyone laughs and forgets that Beyoncé is once again not singing. But, one night, one guy, took his turn at the mic a step further.

He.Smacked.Beyonce’s.Ass.

The sky opened, and helicopters flew in, and chains were dropped, and the guy was tazered, and then airlifted out to a safe location where Jay Z waterboarded him and then beat the hell outta him. Or … Beyoncé stopped and purred, "Alright, boo boo. I will have you escorted out right now, alright?"

And she did.

Justin Bieber is an insufferable tool, and a snot-nosed brat, and a talentless hack and, well, a bad, bad neighbor.

While he is known around the block for his wild parties and for spitting on neighbor’s who ask him to be quiet, his latest thing is tooling the streets on his Segway while stoned. His neighbors have complained to police that they have seen Little Miss Justine doing the PotWay all the time.

Multiple neighbors in the exclusive, gated community say Bieber and his friends have turned the neighborhood upside down. In fact, while Justine is home, you know, doing her hair and reading Seventeen, neighbors have had to call police five times in one week to complain about her insufferable behavior.

Neighbors have demanded that the HOA get involved, and they have promised to begin towing vehicles that are left on the street overnight—which happens a lot at a Bieber PotFest.

Justine Bieber. He’s like a female, white Chris Brown; an ass to his neighbors and he can’t drive.

Want more Biebs? Cuz I love this one.

He was tooling about in the Ferrari again and one of his neighbors complained. Again. But, since it was a nameless, non-celebrity neighbor, the complaint went virtually unnoticed until his reckless driving caught the eye of another neighbor, former NFL player Keyshawn Johnson.

It is ALLEGED that Keyshawn, after spotting Miss Justine driving like an ass once again, chased down the little runt and tried to confront him, until Justin ran back to his house and locked himself inside.

Here’s the scoop: Keyshawn was returning home from a party, with his child in the car, when Miss Justine zoomed by in her Ferrari at a high speed. Keyshawn was furious, but first he took his child home, and then chased after Justine in his Prius—Sidenote: beefy footballer in Prius chases pint-sized girl-boy driving a Ferrari. I cannot make this stuff up!—and then blocked Justin’s Ferrari in the driveway, got out of his car to confront the little brat, but Justin was already safely behind the locked door of Casa Moron and refused to come out. Maybe because Keyshawn is 6’4″, 212 pounds and Justine is just 5’7″, 110 pounds.

Makes me think Miss Justine might wanna consider moving. Quickly.

It must be tough o be Demi Moore’s daughter. I mean, having to hide your boyfriends from your Mom, lest she try to date them like she did to Rumer’s ex, Harry Morton.

But, it’s gotta hurt when you’re Scout Willis—the first of Bruce and Demi’s children to graduate from college—and you’re graduating with a Bachelor’s Degree from Brown University, and Mama Moore was too busy to attend.

Demi is said to be estranged from her daughters for at least the last year and, at daughter Tallulah’s graduation she actually sat apart from Bruce and their other daughters. And this past week, while Bruce was seen out and about in Providence with all three of his girls, Demi was, I dunno, taking yoga, doing Whip-Its, not eating. Something.

Even Bruce’s new wife, Emma Hemming, was at the ceremony.

A source—and it’s probably one of her estranged children—says, “Demi was supposed to come in, but everyone was wondering where she was. She was nowhere to be seen all weekend, but everyone seemed to be having a perfectly good time without her.”

Ouch. I don’t see Mother Of The Year in Demi’s future.

Okay, let’s not make Denise Richards a saint just yet. I know she took in Charlie Sheen’s twin sons—the ones he had with serial drug addict and twenty-seven time rehab failure, Brooke Mueller—when Brooke went to rehab again. But Denise, who works only sporadically, makes a fine living being an ex-Missus Sheen, bringing in about $55,000 a month in child support.

So, reserve the sainthood, please. Denise has made it clear that she’s not out for additional money from Charlie and that she’s happy to care for the twins, but it’s Brooke she has to worry about, even while Brooke is in a room down the hall from Lindsay Lohan at Betty Ford.

Brooke has realized that if she loses custody of her sons, she also loses custody of the 55K Charlie pays her each months and she is fighting tooth and nail from the Betty Ford Center to get her children back.

Meth-head say what?

Mueller has tried twice since reentering, or is it re-re-re-re-re-re-entering, rehab, to have her boys moved from Denise’s care to her brother, who would presumably get Charlie’s monthly checks and pocket them into Brooke’s drug accounts. Luckily, both her attempts failed.

But still, you're a young boy, and you’re living with Daddy’s ex-wife because Mom is in rehab AGAIN and Daddy doesn’t want to be bothered with you.

You need a license to drive a car, but people like Sheen and Mueller can make babies all the live long day.

I loathe Will Smith. He’s kinda like the Male Paltrow to me.

I am so tired of his statements about his parenting styles, and his marriage advice, and his aw shucks I’m good attitude.

Here he is at the After Earth—Isn’t After Earth really just Oblivion starring Will Smith? And wasn’t Oblivion really just Generic Oh My God I’m On Earth movie?—with all his children, including older son Trey, by his first wife. That’s relevant to this story, because Will and Jada keep insisting they’re not pushing their kids into “the business” or fame at all, but if that’s true, why trot them all out for a red carpet event where they are photographed?

But I digress. It’s not so much what he does, but what he says that irks me. On one hand, he insists he is not pushing his kids into being celebrities, yet then he says this: 

“I’ve looked for a lot of years. The Barrymores got really close to what I see in my head for my family.”

The Barrymores? Um, most of them died of alcoholism and drug abuse. I mean, even Drew Barrymore battled addiction, and this is the model Will Smith looks to for guidance? Oy.

Will Smith:

“It’s less scary to me than if he wanted to be a dentist in that I couldn’t help with what he’d chosen. I have relationships with some of the biggest filmmakers and actors and producers on Earth. So I can be a huge help.”

So, you aren’t pushing them into ‘the business’ but you introduce them around town to all the big shot producers and directors? Howsabout letting the kids be kids and choosing what they want to do? Howsabout introducing them to, oh, teachers and doctors and lawyers and letting them choose their path?

Then he says this about daughter, Willow, and how she chose not to be famous: 

“Willow chose singing and then un-chose it. She said, ‘Daddy, I want to go to school with my friends during the week, and I want to hang out with them on the weekends.’ At the peak of ‘Whip My Hair,’ she’s like, ‘Daddy, I’m done.’ I was like, ‘Wow, wow, wow. No, baby, I got ‘Annie’ [the upcoming movie remake, co-produced by Jay-Z], you know. It’ll be New York, you’ll be with Beyoncé. You can bring your friends.’ And she said, ‘Daddy, I got a better idea. How about I just be 12?’ At the end of the day, it has to be their choice.”

Um, she said she didn’t wanna do it and then you tried pressuring her by saying you got the movie and Jay Z and Beyoncé?

You’re a delusional dipshit, Mister Smith.

Since we’ve talked Male Paltrow, let’s talk Original Recipe Paltrow™.

It looks like the world has reached the boiling point, Goop-wise. I mean, she was all over the place chatting up ‘her’ cookbook, and chattering up ‘her’ website and chatting up Iron Man 37 or whatever and chatting up being the Most Beautiful—excuse me, I threw up a little in mu mouth—Woman and chatting up the Met Ball and then chatting up how she hated the Met Ball.

Now, now, people are getting sick of Paltrow. And, No, I don’t mean just me.

Apparently, producers don’t want to work with Gwyneth anymore because, as an insider—and it could be anyone who’s sick of Paltrow—says, “Gwyneth has annoyed people to the point where no one wants to deal with her anymore. She has always been pretentious, but over the past few years she has gone from pretentious to unbearable.”

Everybody in Hollywood ALLEGEDLY hates her. Former BFF Madonna has nothing to do with her anymore. Reese Witherspoon, when she isn’t asking police if they know her name, badmouths her; Kate Hudson, when she isn’t wondering what happened to her career, adds some smack talk; and JLo, who talks just to see her own name in print, ALLEGEDLY calls Paltrow a ‘whiny little rich girl.’

Even her own husband Chris Martin—who avoids being photographed with his wife—is growing annoyed by her need to ‘over share’; he is said to be royally pissed off that she talked about her miscarriage, but Gwyneth was going for the sympathy vote.

Even her children’s school is annoyed by her, having asked her, no, told her, to stop writing about her children in her Goop newsletter because the children are being harassed at school about it.

For what it’s worth, Paltrow’s rep is denying the backlash, saying Paltrow is “good friends” with Reese and Kate, but merely an “acquaintance” with Jennifer Lopez. No mention of Madonna because you know Madge would come out swinging.

My advice to Paltrow? The same as it ever was: Go.Away.

It must be hard to be Adam Levine this week because he once again put his foot in his mouth. The last time he did that was when he said his preferred method of birth control was the “pull out” method.

Yes, He did.

But now Levine’s got much of America’s panties in a bunch because, during a live show of The Voice, when two of his team were voted off, Levine said, “I hate this country.”

It’s unclear if he was referring to America’s taste in music, country music, or the voting process which is really just a popularity contest.

So, as the backlash and the anti-Levine Tweets roared on, he decided to non-apologize:

 “I obviously love my country very much. My comments last night were made purely out of frustration. Being a part of The Voice, I am passionately invested in my team and want to see my artists succeed. Last night’s elimination of Judith and Sarah was confusing and downright emotional for me and my comments were made based on my personal dissatisfaction with the results. I am very connected to my artists and know they have long careers ahead, regardless of their outcome on the show.”

Please note that nowhere in his apology do the words ‘sorry’ or ‘apologize’ appear. And, while I think this all a bunch of Who shot John—and I have no idea what that even means—I think if you’re going to apologize, the words sorry, apologize, regret, mistake, should be uttered at least once.

In the end, his apology is just a Poor Me rant. So, maybe I’ll pull out … of watching The Voice.

Lady Gaga? Wha’happen?

She was everywhere for a while, then not as much; then she hurt herself, and then she cancelled her tour, then she was wheeled around in a solid-gold wheelchair and then she was gone.

Is Gaga’s career dead?

Maybe so, as 2013 is turning out worse than 2012 for her. At least back then she had a tour that flopped just before she cancelled it. Now she is just trying to get her name back in print.

Back in 2011, when she was hot, Gaga debuted as a “musical director” for fashion designer Thierry Mugler and the media was all up in that. Of course, mostly it was because she was playing the new songs off her then-unreleased Born This Way album during the event and people thought she was still relevant, though kinda Madge-lite.

In 2013, she tried to pull of this stunt again, by being named “musical director” for Versace Versus Fashion Show. And, just like in 2011, Gaga wanted to play bits and pieces of songs from her new album but, guess what, no one cared.

Gaga is old news and the only times she gets mentioned are in conjunction with other celebrities, like her feud with Kelly Osbourne and her ‘special appearance’ at a Beyoncé concert. But the biggest news about Gaga? She was UNfollowed by Cher on Twitter.

Ouch. When one of the original diva-gay-icons disses you, it’s time to pack up the big shoes and the meat dresses and head back to Jersey.