I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

JLo. She seemingly has it all: the kids, the career, the fabulous wardrobe, the decade’s younger boyfriend she can ride like a rodeo clown … TMI? Sorry, moving on …. But one thing she has that I never knew about was a problem sleeping alone. Now, I don’t mean sleeping alone as in ride ‘em like a rodeo clown, climb down, and fall asleep. I mean, she ALLEGEDLY cannot sleep in her bed alone, and after she puts Casper and the kids down for the night, La Lopez crawls into bed with her assistant. Yes, apparently JLo makes her female assistant sleep in the same bed with her—no funny business, mind you—it’s just that Lopez likes the company.

An inside source—and you know it’s Casper looking for extra scratch when he spends all his allowance—says, “It has nothing to do with sex. When Jennifer and her ex Marc Anthony were traveling all over South America taping for their 2012 show ‘Q’Viva, Casper often didn’t accompany her—and when he wasn’t around, she’d ask her female cousin/assistant, Tiana, to spend the next right next to her because ‘I just get so lonely in bed!’”

Perhaps that’s the root of all her issues, but it also begs the question: how does one share a bed with JLo’s California King-sized ass?

Well, Conrad Murray is currently behind bars because he was found guilty of giving drug addict Michael Jackson the drugs that killed him.

But there is another court case involving Jackson that is still ongoing. Jackson’s family is suing concert promotion company AEG saying they hired Murray to be Jackson’s doctor so they basically killed him, too.

Whatevs. The real story is some of the :::cough cough::: testimony going on in that courtroom. See, AEG Live CEO Randy Phillips says he has proof that Jackson’s death was an accident because he, pay attention now, he, Randy Phillips, spoke with Lionel Richie’s ex-wife, Brenda Harvey claimed that her psychic says Jackson’s ghost came to see her and told her that his death was an accident.

This is testimony.

Many in the court burst into laughter, but Judge Yvette Palazuelos let the testimony stand; meaning the jury will have to consider that a ghost told a psychic who told her friend who told this CEO that Jackson’s death was accidental.

Oy.

One would have thought that Charlie Sheen had learned his lesson after warring with Chuck Lorre on the 2.5 Men set and finding his ass fired, but crackheads never really learn.

And sometimes they win.

Sheen is still ALLEGEDLY incensed that Ashton Kutcher took over the 2.5 Men lead, and is also dating Mila Kunis. See, back when Charlie was full-on-in-your-0face crazy, and hiring a team of “goddesses” to help him, he wondered aloud about Mila Kunis taking on the role. She didn’t, and then she began dating his arch nemesis, Kutcher.

Well, Charlie is like a dog with a bone, or a crackhead with a pipe, and will not let go of the idea of getting Mila Kunis. You see, Charlie wants Mila to take over Selma Blair’s role in “Anger Management” and, in trying to arrange it, he had Blair fired because she had the nerve to complain that the porn-and-drug-addicted asshat was late and stuff to work.

So, bam, Blair’s out and Charlie is waving around a $10 million paycheck for Kunis who, like most of America if Anger Management’s downward ratings indicate, isn’t listening.

So, on the heels of Lohan’s exit from the Betty Ford Center for a more serene and spa-like Malibu rehab, Charlie Sheen’s ex, Brooke Mueller is also leaving the BFC.

Apparently Brooke, undergoing her twenty-something attempt, followed by a twenty-something failure, at rehab did not like the fact that she had to do chores at Betty Ford so she left without a word.

An insider—and who’s more inside at rehab than Lohan—says, “Brooke didn’t tell anyone, including her lawyer, that she had left Betty Ford. [She] hated Betty Ford because she was required to do daily chores, which she resented. She complained that Betty Ford was just too hard. Betty Ford is hardcore and Brooke just doesn’t respond well in situations where she can’t call the shots.”

But, her abrupt move to leave the facility and head to an easier rehab in San Juan Capistrano just might be the death knell in her bid to get her children—twin sons of Charlie Sheen—back from another Sheen ex, Denise Richards.

Lohan, er, the source, says, “This could have a serious impact on Brooke’s bid to get custody of the twins. Brooke just doesn’t seem to be taking get sober that seriously. Her doctors at Betty Ford advised her not to leave, but she did anyway. Her counselors will be submitting an extensive report about Brooke’s time at Betty Ford and it won’t be glowing, that is for sure.”

Happily, the chances are low that Brooke Mueller will ever have primary custody of her sons; sadly, it seems that the boys won’t grow up with either of the parents—who have yet to grow up themselves—and may find that they will be Denise Richard’s boys now.

Oh, it wouldn’t be gossip without Lohan—even if Lindsay is still in rehab lockdown.

It’s been just over a week since Lindsay paid off asked a judge to let her out of the Betty Ford Clinic and into a celebrity-friendly rehab in Malibu because it’s summer and the parties are in Malibu, so, yeah, Lindsay + Malibu – rehab = arrests. I’m guessing.

Except now she’s not happy in Malibu and wants to make this The Lindsay Lohan Rehab World Tour, Part One—because, bitches, you know there’s gonna be a sequel.

Lindsay wants to transfer again, and head to the east coast where maybe she and mama Dina can share a room because how Dina has escaped rehab all these years is amazing. But, Lindsay says she wants to go east because it’s easier for family to see her, and rehab is all about visits from home, not getting your issues dealt with and trying yet another stab at sobriety.

So, let’s get this straight, or queer, or whatever: Lohan was ordered to Morningside Clinic by the judge, and she did go; I mean, she sat in her car in the driveway and left without entering, but she was there. Then she went to Betty Ford and apparently kicked a nurse—I’m kidding, maybe—because they refused to let her continue taking Adderall. And so she hustled her way of the BFC and into Malibu, where she thought she could keep her prescriptions until they said ‘No’ and now she wants out again.

Yeah, this’ll turn out great.

And what would a week be without a visit from Little Miss Justine Bieber.

He’s such a rock star, you know, and as rocks stars are apt to do, he took to partying it up Big Boy style while staying at an upscale hotel in New York City.

It seems Miss Justine was ready to get down with her bad self, and called downstairs for some extra special goodie bags for the festivities. An inside—and it could be anyone because, other than prepubescent girls and Lesbians, no one likes The Biebs—says, “He asked for more intimacy kits with condoms. He always requests condoms…and jelly beans!”

Condoms and Jelly Beans.

I can’t with that; it says it all. I can picture Justine and her BFFs sitting around the hotel filling condoms with jelly beans so they can have party favors on the bus.

Poor Miss Thang.

A little more on Mila Kunis, although it’s never really about Kunis, it’s about the men who want a piece of Kunis. And this time it’s one Russell Brand—who, we learned this week, asked Katy Perry for a divorce via a text message … shades of Berger’s Post-It note break-up with Carrie on Sex and The City­—who wants some Mila for himself. 

But Brand lost out, too, like Charlie Sheen, though the big difference is, Charlie lost Mila to Ashton, while Russell lost Mila to … wait for it … Macaulay Culkin. I.Know!

It seems Brand was filming with Mila Kunis when he tried to charm her into becoming one of his conquests—the looks-like-he-doesn’t-bathe comedian is ALLEGEDLY a sex addict—and she said, ‘No.’ Cuz she was dating that kid from Home Alone. That has got to hurt, you know?

Russell Brand:  “She’s so gorgeous, just so gorgeous and I was chatting her up and got the conversation around to have you got a boyfriend, and then you know that feeling of how long do I have to entertain a conversation? Then I go away and she keeps talking about her boyfriend Mac, this is when I was on Sarah Marshall. Eventually she said he’s coming tomorrow and there was some sort of fanfare, she was so excited. Then when he came it wasn’t Mac – it was Macaulay Culkin. He’d got longer and looked pale and scared of himself, like a shaved horse. There was a horror about him and I thought, ‘you can’t f**k him – that’s the lad from Home Alone’.”

But that begs the question: which is worse? F**king the kid from Home Alone or f**king Russell Brand.

Discuss.

And since we started with JLo, let's end with JLo at the ceremony for receiving her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

I'm'a keep this simple:

Girl looks older than Casper's mama.

Girl couldn't find a decent pair of shoes?

Girl couldn't get a dress that wasn't wrinkled?

Girl gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?

Who'd she bang for that?