Vacation Repost: Being Sick. Being Gay. Being Alive. Being Loved.

originally posted Tuesday, December 01, 2009

This is an article written by a very good friend of ours, detailing his odyssey through illness and hospitals and health care as a gay man. It first appeared in the Bottomline magazine HERE. 

Swine Flu, Love and Health Reform

By Rick Vila

Rick Vila

My husband, Ken Lyon, and I planned a two-week vacation in New England several months ago. We were excited to make the trip, relax in Provincetown, visit the famed mansions in Newport, Rhode Island, and drive up to Montreal to visit friends via picturesque Vermont and New Hampshire. We left Palm Springs feeling upbeat, looking forward to getting away from the desert heat and full of excitement. Little did we know that our vacation would turn into a 23-day odyssey that left us weaker, yet stronger; fearful, but more valiant; dumbfounded yet wiser; shaken at our core, but more in love.

Two days into our trip I felt sick with flu-like symptoms: chills, fevers, body aches, headache, coughing. I stayed in the condo we had rented for the week in Provincetown for three days, thinking if I rested, drank fluids and took over-the counter medications I’d improve. For two days I did feel better so we ventured out and about Provincetown, which was full of visitors due to it being Carnival week there.

That Saturday, we drove to Newport, Rhode Island, to see the famed mansions on our way to Vermont. I was feeling pretty good, though still a bit fatigued from the flu I thought I had just gotten rid of. While touring the Breakers, the old Vanderbilt mansion, I attempted to climb the lovely staircase to the second level. Suddenly I realized I was out of breath and couldn’t get up the stairs. A young man, also on the tour, said to me, “Sir, are you all right? You look very sick.” I was startled by this comment from a total stranger. I told Ken I was out of breath and wanted to go back and rest in the car while he finished the tour. We checked into a hotel in Providence, RI, and by morning I knew I was very sick. Ken asked about a local hospital and we were referred to the Miriam Hospital, a small, Jewish teaching hospital for Brown University’s medical school. Within one hour of arriving in the emergency room, I had been diagnosed with double pneumonia, had been admitted and put in an isolation chamber private room.

What followed was a total decline of my health to a level I had not known before, despite my age (55) and many previous health issues (HIV/AIDS, accidents, etc.). The second day in the hospital I was put in Intensive Care for six days, and developed two additional infections: clostridium difficile (which causes uncontrolled diarrhea and vomiting), and a yeast infection covering my buttocks and thighs that made me itch constantly.

As it turns out, I was told I had a confirmed positive diagnosis for the currently notorious swine flu. The state of Rhode Island’s health department quarantined me and anyone entering my room was required to wear gloves, gowns, masks and plastic shields over their faces. I was the first swine flu case for the particular medical team to which I was assigned and as such was studied by doctors, residents and medical students exhaustively.

I had at least two very dark days in I.C.U., where my very existence became tenuous. My oxygenation was declining and the doctor wanted to put me on life support. I pleaded with her to give me four or five hours before she did so, to see if I improved, and she agreed to respect my wishes. I realized I needed to release the enormous amount of anxiety I was feeling, and went into a very personal and private contemplative place to find internal light and strength to help me improve. I thought of Ken and how much I wanted to live to be with him, and how much I loved him.

My sister had flown up from Florida to be with us, and her presence, love and strength nourished me deeply. We have always been close and I knew I wanted to be around to grow old with her. Miraculously, as I surrendered control and anxiety and moved into a place of love, quiet and acceptance, my breathing improved. For six days in ICU I had an oxygen mask, three IV’s, a heart monitor. I was and felt dirty, not being able to shower, or clean up, and having constant diarrhea into a bedpan and having to urinate into a plastic bottle because I was too weak to get out of bed. My beard grew long and gray, my skin became scaly and itchy. My energy level nosedived to zero. I could not eat, stand, or even move, and nothing interested me, except the love and presence of my husband and my sister. I lost 30 pounds in the course of my hospital stay. But it is not the darkness of those days that I want to focus on or the reason for my writing. I’m writing to honor the values of love and gratitude.

For those skeptics of gay love, I have a story to tell. My story is that my husband, Ken, never left my side. I’ve loved him since we met, and always known him to be an excellent human being—now he is in my stratosphere. He slept in the hospital every night with me, including six nights in a chair in the I.C.U., and another six in the hospital room sofa bed. He cared for me lovingly, attending to every detail, dealing with all the logistics, advocating on my behalf, respecting my every wish, listening to me, and loving me unconditionally. He cleaned me, and comforted me as I shook with fevers, fear and despair. He hugged me and kissed me, when everyone else was masked. I think the hospital staff early on understood the power of love in our relationship. We were lucky to be in Rhode Island, where gay marriage is recognized (though not yet legally performed), and not in another state where things could have been very different.

I really got close and personal to the spirit of New Englanders: respectful, caring, independent, wise. My nurse in I.C.U was a man named Gary, who disclosed to me in conversation that he was a Seventh Day Adventist, and that he and his family’s priorities and life revolved around their church, where he was an elder/minister. I visited that religion’s website later and read of their condemnation towards homosexuals. Yet Gary could not have been more caring towards us, more respectful towards Ken (knowing full well of our relationship), or a better nurse. He even came up to my room after I was out of ICU to visit and see how “we” were doing.

Ken and I always refer to each other as “husbands,” which is what we are. And I believe the natural love we demonstrated openly towards each other was so transparent, and so beautiful, that no one could repudiate it. I think in the face of truth and love, human-crafted religious edicts lose out because nothing is greater or more imbued with truth than the power of love. The “Gary” lesson for me is to be cautious in the future about stereotyping people with too wide a brush. There are good, respectful, decent people of all religious, philosophical and political persuasions.

I got stronger every day and each day felt closer to normal. When we arrived in Palm Springs, the mountains had never before looked so beautiful to me; our house felt more grandiose than the Vanderbilt’s Breakers; our dog Lily’s wagging tail became a grounding bolt of what really matters. I spent the week feeling grateful. Grateful for Ken, for my sister, for the extraordinary care I received in the hospital, for the hundreds of friends and family who called, texted, sent flowers, cards, prayers and filled our refrigerator at home with homemade food, and put flowers and cards in our house to cheer us up upon arrival, and for my immune system, which fought back from a very weak place.

Since then I’ve enjoyed emptying the dishwasher and folding the laundry in ways I never have before. Ken asked me if I had felt any anger at what had happened and the fact that we missed out on our vacation. I thought about it, and said, “No.” The anger I feel is for the fact that millions of people in this country and this world don’t have access to the care I did, don’t have loved ones to care for them, don’t have the means or the voice to defend themselves during their most vulnerable times.

As the health care argument plays out on national television, I have a recent personal experience to relate. Despite having excellent private insurance, and sufficient personal resources to access the best care, Ken and the nurse case manager at the hospital spent over six frustrating hours on the phone making arrangements for my post-hospital care. When the logistics had finally been worked out, the contracted healthcare provider became a prime example of waste in healthcare. They delivered an oxygen converter machine, six oxygen tanks and more tubing than I ever needed to our hotel in Boston, not to mention reams of paperwork that I simply threw away. I didn’t use even a third of the quantity they brought, but I’m certain they will bill my insurance for it at top rates. No wonder healthcare costs keep soaring.

In the hospital, which offered me top-of-the-line medical care, I was given an excessive number of toothbrushes, creams and bottles of Keri lotion, none of which I ordered, and no clear instructions on how to put a stop to that wasteful supply. Is reform needed? Yes, a resounding YES. And people who think otherwise are either burying their head in the sand, or are simply selfish and unconscious in their thought process. I don’t know what the right path is to reform, but I do know what all parties need to put into their decision-making: the consciousness of love, dignity towards every living being, respect for the frailties of others, and simple smarts that uses available technology to keep waste to a minimum, costs contained and better accountability. We also need computerized medical records that can be quickly accessed nationally, and a system that offers top tier and seamless care to ALL Americans, with minimal bureaucracy.

My experience was very humbling, and I hope to become a better person because of it. I don’t know how I will do that, but I’m going to start by practicing being more loving and more compassionate, more forgiving, more conscious of the suffering of others, more cautious in my thinking, and more tempered in my response to the little things in life that in the end matter very little.

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Random Musings

Oh dear.

JCPenney has a new billboard advertising a designer tea kettle that has left many California motorists seeing, well, Nazis.

It seems that, to some, myself included, the Michael Graves-designed kettle looks a little like Adolf Hitler with right hand extended outward in the infamous Nazi salute.

♪♫I’m a little Hitler, short and stout …. ♫♪

C’mon, you were goin’ there, too!

A little update on the Kaitlyn Hunt story.

It appears that I, as well as other bloggers, and the mainstream/lamestream media, got the story, or at least, some of the facts wrong.

So, to update: Kaitlyn Hunt is a Lesbian who had a consensual affair with a fellow Lesbian student at their high school. But, contrary to initial reports, Kaitlyn was already 18 when the relationship began, and not, as some, myself included, arrested the moment she turned eighteen a few months later.

Does it make a difference, though? Not really. I mean, if a high school Senior boy dates a Freshman girl, and they have a sexual relationship, how often are the police called? How often is that boy arrested? How often is he expelled?

The fact is that Kaitlyn and this unnamed girl were in school together, played on  the basketball team together, and just because they had a sexual relationship does not mean that Kaitlyn is a sexual predator and should go to jail for fifteen years.

This is not the case of an adult, a legal, out of high school, adult, having an affair with a high school student. She doesn’t deserve the punishment she’s facing or the vitriol she’s experiencing.

Out there round Nevada way, the state Assembly passed a final vote on a constitutional amendment that would send same-sex marriage to the ballot in 2016. The Senate Joint Resolution 13 passed the Assembly on a 27-14 vote, bringing the process to get it to the ballot in 2016 to an end for this year.

Naturally, all the no votes were Republicans and just one lone Republican, Assemblywoman Michele Fiore voted with Democrats.

Nevada is on the move y’all. It’s still a couple of years out, but they are on the move.

I absolutely love this story.

The Citizens' Stamp Advisory Committee, an advisory panel tasked with determining whom, or what, to commemorate with U.S. postage stamps is said to be considering the late gay Supervisor Harvey Milk for such an honor.

The group has contacted Milk's family to gather more information about the San Francisco politician, who, back in November 1977, was the first openly gay person to be elected to public office in a major U.S. city. Milk, as we all know, was murdered by Dan White a year later, along with then-Mayor George Moscone.

The committee also notified the Harvey Milk National Stamp Campaign that it was looking at issuing a Milk stamp at some point.

Milk's openly gay nephew, Stuart Milk, says his family has been asked by postal officials about upcoming significant milestones that the issuance of a Milk stamp could commemorate. November 8, 2012 would mark the 35th anniversary of Milk's historic electoral win, while May 22, 2015 would coincide with Milk's 85th birthday.

I say just pick a date and let me buy that stamp!

This kills me; in a highlarious way.

Last week California released its rates for the Affordable Care Act [ACA], aka “Obamacare” and guess what? The rates are lower, cheaper, and less costly, however you wanna say it, than the Congressional Budget Office’s original 2009 estimates.

Take that GOP.

And, not only are  the rates cheaper, but the ACA looks like it’s doing exactly what they said it would, by creating competition to make health insurance rates more competitive.

You.Don’t.Say.

And now, while traditional—read  “conservative states”—have done everything possible to sabotage the ACA, more and more states like Oregon, Washington, and California are proving that the law is performing better than all those naysayers—read “GOP asshats—previously said.

It’s pathetic that millions of Americans living in these Republican controlled Red States will have to suffer without health care coverage, and many die due to a lack of treatment, just because conservative politicians would rather play partisan politics than just admit the truth.

And while we all rejoice in the news that Michele Bachmann won’t seek re-election, there is still that little Ethics probe thingy to deal with.

Bachmann, never one to lie … I kid, she lies every time she speaks … says her decision to flee like Mama Grizzly Bore™ has nothing to do with  that ongoing ethics investigation into misconduct during her 2012 presidential campaign:

"It was clearly understood that compliance with all rules and regulations was an absolute necessity for my presidential campaign. And I have no reason to believe that that was not the case."

Liar Liar yada yada yada.

Hey Michigan? What’s new?

Well, this week, Democrats in the Michigan state Senate introduced a bill to repeal the constitutional ban on same-sex marriage. The measure needs two-thirds support in the Republican-led House and Senate to make the statewide ballot, so it’s an uphill battle. But, in addition to that bill, another that would recognize out-of-state same-sex marriages in Michigan was also introduced.

A recent poll shows that 56% of Michigan voters support some form of relationship recognition for same-sex couples.

Michigan is on the move, too.

FUNNY OF THE WEEK

Read that first headline and then follow up with the other. Oh, someone needs to be watched down there in the layout room.

Blatantly stolen from BosGuy.

HOT MEN OF THE WEEK

On top, photographically speaking, Tom Hiddleston. I have no idea who is or what he’s been in, but I came across this picture from Cannes and I was intrigued.

Charlie Carrick, in the middle, played Pascal, Micheletto’s spy-lover on The Borgia’s. There he wears a beard and looks delicious.

On the bottom, also photographically speaking, Oscar Isaac, whom I saw in a Channing Tatum movie, Ten Years—which sadly had no Tatum ass shots. But it had Oscar, who was the best thing, eye-candy wise, and acting wise, in the movie.

A trifecta of film and TV hunkdom. You’re welcome.

I don’t shop at WalMart because they treat their employees like crap and, while they profess to be oh-so-patriotic, most of their merchandise is made Not-In-America. So, that’s why I love this bitchslap that Wally got this week.

The mega-store has agreed to pay an $82 million fine for improper disposal of hazard wastes such as fertilizer and bleach in cases filed in California and Missouri. 

As part of the California plea agreement, Wal-Mart must a $40 million criminal fine and an additional $20 million to fund community service projects including helping U.S. retailers learn how to properly handle hazardous waste; something WalMart doesn’t, or didn’t, do.

As part of the Missouri plea agreement, Wal-Mart must $11 million criminal fine and an additional $3 million to the Missouri Department of Natural Resources.

Wal-Mart also must pay a $7.628 million civil penalty to the federal government.

Ouch.

More on Bachmann. As she heads toward obscurity, or a place on FoxNews, which is really the same thing, House Speaker John Boehner, boner, Tweeted his goodbye and his appreciation for all she’s done. So let’s take a look at what she did, shall we?

She sponsored 58 bills.

• Of those, 53 were referred to committee, AKA they went nowhere
• One, HR 850, which was to facilitate a proposed project on the Lower St. Croix Wild and Scenic River, made it out of committee.
• Three [HR 373, which expressed support for the creation of a National Hydrocephalous Awareness Month; HR  923, which recognized Minnesota’s 150^th anniversary, and HR 789, which honored public child welfare agencies] were agreed to.
• One [HR 45, which sought to repeal the Affordable Healthcare Act] passed the House.
• None. Zip. Zero. Nada. Were signed into law.

So, to sum up: eight years and she did jackshit. And Boner, er, Boehner, applauds her.

Asshat-to-asshat.

TWEET OF THE WEEK

A JC Penney Tweet in response to Hitler-gate. I gotta give it to them for having a sense of humor, though.

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Random Musings

They’re Number 10!

Rhode Island has approved marriage equality in a 26-12 Senate vote. The House passed the bill in January, and it must get another, basically procedural, vote there again, but then it heads to the desk of Governor Lincoln Chafee who has said he will sign the bill. Once signed, same-sex marriage will become legal in August.

Governor Chafee issued this statement after the vote:

I am always proud to be a Rhode Islander, but never more so than today.

After yesterday’s Judiciary Committee vote, I expressed my hope that the full Rhode Island Senate would pass a bill that chooses tolerance and fairness over division and discrimination. In passing the Marriage Equality Act, they have done just that.

I thank the Senators who have taken a stand to move Rhode Island forward and commend the Senate President for calling the roll. Great credit should go to Ray Sullivan, everyone at Rhode Islanders United for Marriage, and the countless volunteers who knocked on doors and participated in phone banks. Finally, I want to applaud the pioneers, such as the late Julie Pell, who for decades have fought for the fundamental rights of gay and lesbian Rhode Islanders. This day would not have been possible without their efforts.

Pending the final vote by the House of Representatives, Rhode Island will no longer be an outlier in our region. We will have the welcome mat out. We will be open for business, and we will once again affirm our legacy as a place that is tolerant and appreciative of diversity.

Brava Rhode Island, the Little State That Could!

The French National Assembly has voted to approve marriage equality in a 331-225 vote. France now joins New Zealand, Uruguay, The Netherlands, Belgium, Spain, Canada, South Africa, Norway, Sweden, Portugal, Iceland, Argentina, and Denmark as the 14th nation to offer its citizens nationwide marriage equality.

And here we sit, in the back seat twiddling our thumbs as the rest of the world progresses.

Senator Rob Portman has seen a loss of support from Republicans since he came out for marriage equality last month.

His approval rating has fallen from 44% to 40%, while his disapproval ratings have climbed from 34% to 31%.

He lost my support when he voted against gun background checks last week.

We have one movie theater in Smallville, a dusty crusty relic from the last century that once had a Negros Only balcony back in the day. But they rarely show anything other than G-rated kiddie films, so we usually drive the 25-miles to a Regal Theater.

Maybe we won’t be doing that anymore, though.

See, Regal Entertainment Group has announced in a company memo that it's cutting the hours for thousands of nonsalaried employees to avoid providing health care insurance under Obamacare. Yup, deny them healthcare coverage and then cut their hours so they can’t afford to even see a doctor without insurance. Nicely done Regal.

And this is from a company that posted a hefty $334 million in 2012 profits, and whose shares rose by 17%. This is a company that gave its chief executive a 31% pay increase:  Amy Miles earned $4.45 million in 2012, up from $3.4 million in the previous year. But they don’t wanna pay for healthcare because it’s too expensive.

Shame on you Regal.

But Regal Cinemas might be at the receiving end of one of the worst consumer backlashes yet. See, others have tried to do the same thing—like Appleby’s and Denny’s—and seen their own stocks take a tumble. Maybe, if that happens to regal, Amy Miles might take a pay cut? I laugh, because her greed apparently knows no bounds.

Regal is also facing pushback from employees; after getting their hours cut by 25% or more, some full-time managers have resigned.

Carlos and I love The Borgia’s on Showtime—even with Jeremy irons and his idiotic stance on same-sex marriage and incest—but we’ve also started watching Da Vinci’s Demons on Starz.

It’s really more of an Indiana Jones Da Vinci kind of show, but, well, as I like to do in my shallow moments, drool on some of the new hot mens on the show.

Blake Ritson plays the evil, really evil, so evil that when he’s done with you he has someone cut off your head, Count Girolamo Riario. But he does so with a smirk that is both, like I said evil, and kind of hot.

Then we have Elliot Cowan, who plays Lorenzo Medici. He does wear the really bad sideburns, but he also oozes some of the sexy.

As does Tom Bateman who plays his drool-worthy brother, Giulino Medici. He has a kind of Henry Cavill thing about him, and, of course, leather pants.

The show is mildly entertaining but becomes better when these three appear onscreen, especially Blake Ritson, who looks a little like Carlos, without that whole 'Off with your head' thing..

Just sayin’.

Y’all know that I’ve yet to meet a curse word I didn’t like, but even I know when it’s appropriate to talk like a longshoreman and when it’s not.

AJ Clemente, however, does not.

On his first day, FIRST DAY, on the job as news anchor for KFYR, an NBC affiliate n Bismarck, North Dakota, he opened the broadcast with the words “gay … f**king … sh*t”. His co-anchor Van Tieu stumbled as she heard what he said, though she maintained her composure.

I might have gone all, “You f**king a**hated dipsh*t! What the f**k were you thinking?”

But then we’d both be out of a job.

Clemente, for his part, Tweeted on his, now closed, account, "That couldn't have gone any worse!"

Clemente was suspended and then fired from his one day, first day f**k up.

But, he did try to explain that he wasn’t say ‘gay’ but that he was trying to pronounce Tsegaye Kebede, the winner of the London Marathon, panicked, and began cursing.

Either way, he’s up sh*t creek without a motherf**king paddle, eh?

Good news on the equality beat …

Nevada's Senate took the first step toward recognizing same-sex marriage this week when, by a vote of 12-9, passed the Senate Joint Resolution 13, which repeals a constitutional provision passed by voters ten years ago to ban same-sex marriage. The legislation also declares that Nevada recognizes all marriages regardless of gender and, if the measure is passed by the Assembly this year and again next year, it will go to the voters for ratification in 2016.

Time moves slowly in politics, no?

But, of note, is that one, just one, Republican joined with Democrats to vote in favor of the resolution, and then one other lawmaker, Democratic Sate Senator Kelvin Atkinson publicly declared for the first time that he is gay.

"I’m black. I'm gay," Atkinson said, after describing his father's interracial re-marriage that would have been banned earlier in American history. "I know this is the first time many of you have heard me say that I am a black, gay male."

Atkinson went on to rebut the argument that gay marriage threatens any other definition of marriage: "If this hurts your marriage, then your marriage was in trouble in the first place."

Nicely put, Senator Atkinson, and Welcome Out!

Of course, here at HOMO HQ, we’re already shipping out your copy of The Gay Agenda and a Coming Out Toaster Oven.

Welcome Out!

Well, if you don’t follow Princess, at the Palais de Steff, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Fabulous fashion design, a view of life from Down Under, and a bevy of beautiful arses.

Seriously, it’s a lovely place to stop into and see what’s happening.

And, well, I’m flummoxed, because Princess has awarded me the coveted "Reality" award...and I don’t know why! This award is, as Princess said, a "mini meme" and since I haven't bothered to do one for a spell, I thought I'd give it a little go...

1. If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?

Oh, I loathe these questions because I am quite off on this topic. See, I could change a million things, I guess, right some wrongs, maybe make some better choices, but, and it’s a big but, would I be who I am, and where I am, and with Carlos, if I changed a thing?

If that’s the case, then, No, I wouldn’t change anything. All that I’ve done and said, and not done and said, the good, the bad, the horrific, has kinda made me who I am today and I’m okay with that.

2. If you could repeat any age... Which would it be?

I feel like I’m sort of dodging the questions, but I wouldn’t want to live any age that I’ve already lived, over again. Been there, done that, have the scars to prove it.

But I am fascinated by the years I haven’t lived and am interested to see what they bring. I liked my 20s—boy, did I like my 20s-and loved my 30s and 40s, but, yeah, done it. No need to rehash. I prefer to look ahead to 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, and well beyond.

3. What really scares you?

Ignorance, a general lack of intelligence; a lack empathy; selfishness. I am always the one to point out, whenever someone is fighting with someone else, that old Rodney King mantra, Can’t we all just get along?

That’s what I fear, and what scares me, is that we can’t all get along.

4. If you could become someone else for the day... Who would you be?

Just for a day? Well, I could do this though I have so many options.

I’d like to be Rosa Parks, that day on the bus. That would be huge.

I’d like to be a friend of Harvey Milk’s. To be in that man’s space, open and honest and so so far ahead of his time; I’d like to be around that and drink it in.

I’d like to be Cher, just for the fun of it all.

I’d like to be myself on the day my mom died and make sure I said all the things I wanted to say before she left.

Well, then, there you have it. I don’t think I’ll nominate anyone for the award, but it would be interesting to see if any of you might like to play along and open the door to your inner self and show us all who you are, want to be, or were.

Any takers?

TWEET OF THE WEEK: It's a tie!!!

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