WTF: Lindsay Lohan

So, Lohan's been staying out of trouble since she got out of rehab for her Adderall/Booze/Maybe Cocaine habit, though she's probably just doing it so she can keep cashing the Oprah checks for her reality show docu-series.

But, girl needs to seek some fashion help because she wore this Stevie Nicks-wannabe-Lady Guinevere mess to a fashion show to support her sister Ali.

Does Christian Dior have a rehab facility to take Lindsay? Kors? Posen? Chanel?

Anyone?

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Lindsay Lohan: "I'm an addict."

As regular readers of ISBL know, I am a purveyor of all Gossip Lohan. I have followed her ups and downs and downs and downs since her first arrest and stint at rehab six years ago; there have been at least six — and some it's more — rehab stays in the last six years, along with numerous arrests for everything from jewel theft to probation violation.

I was definitely on Team She's Getting Away With Murder because I believed, and still do, that if a Regular Joanne had been arrested for the multitude of crimes that Lohan has been arrested for, she would have had really long jail sentences, and not these 2 week jail terms, and these 4 week Malibu rehabs.

I was also one of those who felt that, given her past, and her present, there was little hope for a Lohan future. I just happened to believe that one day we’d be sitting around watching the news and the little crawl across the bottom would say Lindsay Lohan Dead at [fill in the blank]. It just seemed where she was headed.

But ... and there's always a but where Lohan’s concerned … this last rehab stint, a much longer ninety days — thirty at the Betty ford Center and 60 at promises in Malibu — may have down the trick.

Last night on OWN — and I’ll refrain from an Oprah rant until the very end — Lindsay sat down with the Cookie Monster Oprah — sorry, sometimes it just happens — for a one hour tell all and, well, I gotta say, I liked her.

Lohan, not Oprah.

“I’m an addict.” Yup, she said it. She admitted to alcohol use — her drug of choice — along with many more cocaine usages than the previous ‘just three times’ story she used to tell. And she admitted she was addicted to Adderall, though she said she took it for ADD and not to lose weight or stay awake. But she admitted to being an addict; she admitted to being a giant f**k up; she, for the first time in any interview I’ve ever seen, took responsibility. 

And, again, I liked her.

I found it interesting to note that, while her parents had a very volatile relationship—which is putting it mildly—Dina and Michael didn’t officially divorce until 2007. And what else happened in 2007? That was the very year Lohan started going down; car crash, DUI, cocaine possession, DUI, car crash kidnapping, arrest, rehab, theft, arrest, rehab, rehab, rehab. Now I ain’t no shrink—though I play one here on this blog thing apparently—but it seems like the end of her parents’ marriage took a toll.

And Lindsay owns it. She owns the fact that her struggles started when she moved to LA at age 18 and began hanging out with people who used her for trips and plane tickets and fun times. She admitted to being an alcoholic who abused cocaine basically because it allowed her to drink more.

I always say — or someone, Bill W, I think — that the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one., and Lohan did that. She was lucid, intelligent, thoughtful, thought-provoking, and responsible in her Oprah interview.

I liked her, I really liked her.

I did find it hard to believe her when she talked about her parents, and doesn’t feel they owe any responsibility for her descent into addiction. I mean, what parent let’s their seventeen-year-old, who is being paid $7 million a movie, move to Los Angeles alone? And what parent, when they learn that their child is out of control and partying too much, doesn’t fly out to LA and drag her ass home? What parent, instead, says she’s just a girl doing the same things all girls her age are doing?

Not Michael and Dina Lohan. That’s for sure, because they each have their own issues, addictions, whatever, to deal with. But, as Lindsay also admitted, she’s kind of addicted to chaos and drama and maybe, just maybe, she loved her parent’s issues with one another, and all that drama. Maybe she reveled in the fact that whenever she was in trouble, in court, in jail, in rehab, there was drama and there were her parents, adding to the chaos.

Whatever her reasons, I’ll say it again, I really liked Lindsay Lohan last night. I think she might be on the right track this time, and I actually hope so.

Lindsay, if you can, don’t let me down.

No, scratch that: don’t let yourself down.

SIDENOTE: 

Oprah.

Lord what a pompous gasbag. Lord does she thinks she is all-knowing, all-seeing, all-cookie-eating.

At the tail end of the interview, Oprah asks Lindsay if it was true that she was heading off to Europe after the interview—which was taped four days after her release from rehab—and when Lindsay replied ‘Yes,’ Oprah warned her not to go.

Europe is quite the playground, she warned. Oprah said she is addicted to food—and I’m gonna let that just lie there—and if she had just gotten out of food addiction rehab she wouldn’t go to a potato chip factory, so Lindsay should steer clear of Europe.

Oprah, honey, for all your alleged smarts, do you not realize that an addict is an addict is an addict, and Lindsay, if she wants her booze and Adderall again, could get them in LA or NYC or freaking Idaho if she wanted. Europe isn’t the drug capital — especially when your drug is liquor — and for you to suggest that Europe is bad for Lohan blames her addictions on an entire continent, not on Lindsay herself.

Sure, maybe far from home she might find it easier to slip into old habits, but you can slip in your own house just as easily.

SIDE-SIDENOTE: Lindsay did, in fact, cancel her vacation In Europe.

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I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

When Lindsay’s movie, The Canyons, was released a couple of weeks ago — while Lohan was still in lockdown rehab — she garnered some of the best reviews of her career. Stop laughing, I’m serious. She got good reviews; and not just because she was playing a vapid starlet with addiction issues.

But, even with those good reviews Lohan skipped out on attending the latest premiere of her film and there are all kinds of excuses, like Lohan didn’t know about it, or Lohan didn’t want to go to an event with an open bar at the after-party.

Okay, first off you just know that Lindsay Lohan has a Google alert on herself and she would know all things all things; you just know Dina would have wanted to go because, well, this answers excuse #2: the party had two of Lindsay and Dina’s favorite things: “open” and “bar”.

But, now comes the story that Lindsay didn’t go to the premiere because she was partying all night with The Wanted’s Max George — one of the last guys to schtup her before she went into lockdown — in  in LA before helped out of the Mondrian West Hollywood by security at 7 a.m. yesterday. They say ‘helped out’ I say ‘thrown out.’

Sources — and one of them is Dina, from the third stall on the left in the Men’s Room with her granny panties around her ankles … ALLEGEDLY — says  Lindsay, fresh from rehab, joined George and his band at the all-night party: “The party went on all night long and was so loud that guests were complaining. Lindsay was there with Max George. The Wanted have been staying at the Mondrian for days, and Lindsay, who briefly dated Max a while back, was partying with the band. She and her sister Ali were spotted waiting in the hotel lobby for the band.

One of Lohan’s reps offered this ringing endorsement: “I highly doubt this is true.”

I highly doubt Lohan will film more than one episode of the Oprah-induced reality show docu-series before she gets arrested again and O decides to sue her for the money back.

And, speaking of The Big O, it seems Oprah’s been snubbed again in a high-end boutique because she’s a black woman. Really, O?

She says she was trying to buy a $35,000 Tom Ford bag — was it filled with pastries or what? — in Switzerland last month when the snub occurred: “I was in Zurich the other day at a store, whose name I will not mention, and I didn’t have my eyelashes on, but I was in full Oprah Winfrey gear. I had my little Donna Karan skirt and my little sandals and all that on, but obviously The Oprah Winfrey Show is not shown in Zurich. This doesn’t happen to me unless somebody obviously doesn’t know it was me.”

Perhaps the clerk didn’t recognize her in her full O-gear because she wasn’t gnawing on a Ham Hock while she shopped but I digress … Winfrey says she asked the clerk to show her a luxury crocodile bag: “She says to me, ‘No. It’s too expensive.’” Winfrey asked to see it again the clerk once again denied her, saying, “‘No, no, no. You don’t want to see that one. You want to see this one because that one will cost too much and you will not be able to afford that.’”

This apparently went on forever: “Let me see it.” “You can’t afford it.” “Let me see it.” “You can’t afford it.” “Let me see it.” “You can’t afford it.” “Let me see it.” “You can’t afford it.” “Let me see it.” “You can’t afford it.” “Let me see it.” “You can’t afford it.”

Then Oprah left the store, and raced back to her hotel room to tell her husband Gayle what happened, and Mister Winfrey said she would have returned to the store and caused a scene a la Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, but O said she didn’t want to give the clerk commission.

Oprah: “I could have had the big blowup thing and thrown down the black card and all that stuff, but why do that?”

Trudie Goetz, head of the Swiss store Trois Pommes — The Store That Dared To Refuse Oprah — denied Winfrey was discriminated against because of her race: “This is an absolute misunderstanding. Any sales person would love to sell a crocodile bag. She simply explained [to Oprah] that the bag she wanted to look at was beautiful but in a very high price range and suggested lower priced models in leather, ostrich and so forth.”

Look, maybe it happened, maybe it didn’t, but it’s funny how the story emerges as Oprah has a movie to plug. It smacks of the same media manipulation as her tale of being told to get out of that Hermes store in Paris because they were closing; you know, the story she leaked to the press just before her TV show returned after summer break. Plus, she really thinks every single person in the world knows her? Like I said, maybe if she had a ham hock in her mouth.

Justin Bieber performed at the Prudential Center in Newark, New Jersey last week, or, better yet, Justin Bieber ‘Britney’d’ there.

It seems folks are saying he lip synced his entire concert and seemed all strung out, but, um, I say, your first clue that you’ll be disappointed: it’s Justin Bieber.

Music critiques took to social media after his ‘show’ in Jersey, calling Miss Justine “sluggish”, “bored” and “lazy” and accused him of lip-syncing large portions of the show. Well, that sounds about right.

Mesfin Fekadu of the AP, wrote a scathing review of the ‘show,’ insisting the Biebs was “not in pop star form”, and accusing him of lip-syncing most of his songs and failing to keep up with his dancers: “He seemed to be lip-syncing and his sluggish, lazy dancing didn’t match the oomph of the beats… Bieber phoned in a good amount during his show; at some moments, he even appeared bored. He was clocking in – another day, another sold-out concert… When performing the hit Beauty and a Beat, he couldn’t keep up with his background dancers.

Chris Jordan of local newspaper the Asbury Park Press was also disappointed: “As for Bieber the performer, well, there’s not a whole lot to believe in. His voice is thin and reedy… Unfortunately, his dancing isn’t any better than his singing. His turns are loose and his body control is sloppy. He seemed divided as to whether he should join his team of dancers full force or just let them do most of the work.”

I don’t get the surprise. Y’all. It’s Justine-freaking-Bieber. I could’a warned y’all to save your money. I mean, let’s be real, we’re on the countdown to Justin shaving his head and beating an SUV with an umbrella.

And he won’t do that very well, either.

You gotta love Victoria Beckham.

The girl loves to talk about how normal her family life is .... “Honestly, once the children are in bed I’d rather work or shove on a face pack and pluck my eyebrows. By the time Brooklyn’s finally gone to bed, it’s all I’m fit for. Really, we’re much more normal than people think.” 

.... and then she jumps into a helicopter because she's running late for Parent's Nights at the kid's school.

See, that happened recently when Vicki was doing a photo-shoot and interview for Australian Vogue, and she realized  she might not make it to Brooklyn’s school in time. So she did what all normal people do in these situations and hired a helicopter to take her directly there.

Normal.

This is high-larious.

Gwyneth Paltrow made a very special appearance at the East Hampton Library’s Authors Night, a charity event in which “authors” — air quotes for Paltrow, the “author” — sign copies of their books as a way to raise money for the library. Well, apparently the real authors weren’t keen on having Goop in their midst and weren’t shy about talking about it.

Author Christina Oxenberg — whose table was next to “author” Paltrow — wrote on her blog, “Due to the inflexibility of the alphabet, I had the questionable good fortune to be seated directly beside [Paltrow] . . . Slowly yet unmistakably a line began to form in front of my section of table. These folks were hushed and reverential and had a particularly earnest and focused demeanor and casting furtive eyes around . . . the increasingly urgent question they posed, ‘Where is Gwyneth?’ . . . Then the divinity in question arrived with hubby, children and a couple of massive bodyguards. The worshippers blocked my view of the whole world.”

Oxenberg say she left her table to grab a bite to eat and when she tried to return, well, “Gwyneth’s bodyguards blocked my re-entry despite my assurance I was just an author and pointing at my name tag. ‘No!’ they growled, body blocking me. So I was forced to crawl under the table. And there I sat with my meat products, wafting the excellent smells toward my sleek vegan neighbor. She ignored the siren smells of protein. We never did say hello, although I did try to sell my book to her sleek vegan children. No bites.”

Snap.

Also fellow author Jay McInerney Tweeted of Oxenberg’s post: “Authors Night at East Hampton Library hijacked by movie stars with ghost-written cookbooks.”

Again. Snap. Though the funniest part is, again, “Paltrow the 'author’.”

Back to Oprah because this story will not die.

She’s still talking about the store in Zurich only now she wants it to be over:  “I think that incident in Switzerland was just an incident in Switzerland… I’m really sorry that it got blown up. I purposefully did not mention the name of the store. I’m sorry that I said it was Switzerland…. It’s not an indictment against the country, or even that store. It’s just one person who didn’t want to offer me the opportunity to see the bag.”

Um, let’s see, how oh how did that story get, um, ‘blown up’? Oh yeah, Oprah sat her big ass down in front of an Entertainment Tonight interviewer and told the story. Oprah, for all her faults, is very media savvy and knew that telling that story would be news and now she’s playing the innocent card. With a ham hock in her mouth, to boot.

And speaking of mouths, the unnamed Italian shopgirl from that high-end Zurich handbag store is opening hers, and saying O ain’t telling the truth.  Speaking anonymously to Sunday newspaper SonntagsBlick, the Italian bag lady said she felt ‘powerless’ and in the grip of a ‘cyclone’ after Winfrey went on TV in America to claim she had been the victim of racism. 

She says: ‘I wasn’t sure what I should present to her when she came in on the afternoon of Saturday July 20 so I showed her some bags from the Jennifer Aniston collection. I explained to her the bags came in different sizes and materials, like I always do. She looked at a frame behind me. Far above there was the 35,000 Swiss franc crocodile leather bag. I simply told her that it was like the one I held in my hand, only much more expensive, and that I could show her similar bags … It is absolutely not true that I declined to show her the bag on racist grounds. I even asked her if she wanted to look at the bag. She looked around the store again but didn’t say anything else. Then she went with her companion to the lower floor. My colleague saw them to the door. They were not even in the store for five minutes.’

She emphatically denied ever saying to Winfrey: ‘You don’t want to see this bag. It is too expensive. You cannot afford it.’

Now, again, I’m no fan of Oprah, but I’m kinda leaning toward Team Shopgirl. I mean, would she really not show the expensive bag when she works on commission? Even if she thought the Woman The Worlds Knows As Oprah couldn’t afford it, she’d still show it, maybe make a sale, and get a nice percentage.

And given that O is now trying to downplay the incident, well, I’m calling Oprah a Big Fat Liar.

Everyone wants to see The Baby!!

Well, apparently not everyone. While rumors run rampant that MediaWhore Mom and Pop, Kim Kash Kow Kardashian and Kanye West were determined to not sell North West’s first baby photos to one of the weekly magazines — they say, in a blatant ploy for media attention that they turned down an offer of $3 million for North pics — we are hearing that Kimye has decided to put the pictures online, or give them to a major magazine like, say, Vanity Fair or Vogue.

Kanye — on vacation in Greece because he just gave birth and needs the rest — is trying to convince Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour that putting his Kash Kow and baby Child Support Check on the cover of the magazine is a good idea.

Anna Wintour, however, is all, ‘Meh.’

Kanye has his lips pressed firmly to Anna’s tightly wound ass, but Anna just doesn’t like Kim — go figure — and she is said to be, ahem, “less than enthusiastic” about a Kim-North cover shoot. He points to a recent NYT article which says that the bestselling Cosmopolitan magazine last year was the April issue with Kim on the cover — some 1.2 million copies sold — and that the July-August issue of L’Uomo Vogue, the magazine’s Italian men’s edition, featured Kim on the cover as well, and was a big seller.

But others point to last May, when Vogue editors famously cropped Kim out of its Best Dressed Gallery when she appeared with Kanye on the Met Ball red carpet wearing the now famous and universally panned floral print ensemble.

With all that in mind, the loathing of all things Kardashian, the deliberate cutting Kim out of a picture leads me to think Anna’s gonna win this, because, well, Anna always wins.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Justin Bieber is an entitled little douche with little discernible talent other than being a spoiled, self-indulgent prissy little queen. Whoosh. That felt good.

He’s also a bit of a coward.

See, Miss Justine likes to start trouble in clubs—the ones that let underage girls in, that is—but then turns tail and runs to his bodyguards when things get rough. And they hoist him onto their hip, take him out to the car, strap him in his car-seat and give him a binkie till things die down.

Last week, at South Pointe in Southampton, Miss Justine showed up at 2 AM and immediately threw a tantrum because a bunch of drunks wanted his picture; I mean, you’d have to be pretty trashed to want a picture of that whiny brat, amirite?

So Miss Justine’s ‘team’ of bodyguards, to, you know, protect their paychecks, began shoving the crowd and shining flashlights in their faces so the cameras couldn’t capture Miss Justine drinking from a bottle … of formula.

Then, when a female clubgoer tried to chat up the Biebs, and he got all chest puffy, her male friend and Justine exchanged a few heated words: “He (Bieber) ripped his shirt off and went nuts. He was screaming,” says the source—AKA Dina Lohan. “Security moved in, and Bieber was taken from the club out to the parking lot, where his SUVs were waiting.”

And his nurse, who put him down for a nap, after changing his dirty diaper.

I do so love a good catfight, and no one knows how to do it better than Joan Collins.

I mean, she’s at least a 100, right? And still kicking off her mules and taking off her earrings and getting into the dirt …. with Shirley Jones, best known as Shirley Partridge from The Partridge Family.

Yeah, that Shirley Jones.

It seems Jones wrote a memoir where she claims that she and Joan nearly had some kind of torrid foursome in the 1960s and Joan says it never happened; she’s ranting to anyone who’ll listen that she is not some ‘porn-watching swinger pervert and never was, and now she threatening Jones.

According to the book, Shirley and her then-husband Jack Cassidy were at the home of Joan Collins and her then-husband Tony Newley for dinner … and after dinner, Tony proposed they all get naked and watch porn together. Shirley writes, “It was clear what Tony was leading up to — swinging.”

But, Shirley says she turned down the offer, and now Joan is accusing her of libel. Collins sent Shirley a cease and desist letter, demanding her new book be removed from stores everywhere, but Shirley’s NOT backing down. She says the story is true and she’s standing by it.

Old women arguing over group sex and porn. Who’da thunk it!

Lindsay’s in New York, y’all. Lock up all the clubs and tell the psychics to stay indoors!

But, one place you won’t see Lindsay is in Europe. After announcing upon her exit from Rehab Stay #7 that she would be headed to Europe for a vacation, Lindsay has suddenly changed her mind.

Or, she had it changed for her.

It seems Oprah has ALLEEGDLY talked Lindsay out of a European Vacation.

See, O is sure Lindsay will relapse if she goes and O just cut Lindsay a check for $2 million for a reality show docu-series, and O wants it to have a happy ending, with Lindsay clean and sober, not coked up at a hotel in Cannes; again.

Sidenote: It was all over the media yesterday that O was saying she knew this time Lindsay will stay clean, but if you listen to the actual quote, O says, “I think she thinks this time will work.”

O’s hedging her bets ….

Looky here, two more grande dames of the cinema having a catfight.

Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis. I bet they get down and dirtier than Collins and Jones did.

The two aging he-men have appeared in The Expendables, which spawned a sequel, with plans for a third installment. My kinda movie: wrinkly old men as action heroes.

Willis’ part in the first film went uncredited, but he signed on for the second one, and he was supposed to do the third but it seems like he wanted a bigger piece of the Grampa Action Hero money so he was replaced by that other aging action hero, Harrison Ford.

And Sly likes the idea, Tweeting: “WILLIS OUT… HARRISON FORD IN !!!! GREAT NEWS !!!!! Been waiting years for this!!!!”

And then following up with this jab at Willis:  “GREEDY AND LAZY …… A SURE FORMULA FOR CAREER FAILURE.”

And before anyone could say he didn’t mean it, Stallone’s rep confirmed he was talking about Willis.

I wanna see a tag-team match, Collins and Stallone versus Willis and Jones. That’s an action movie I’d see.

Now onto Kimye.

All has been quiet since Kim’s baby, Child Support Check, was born, and even Kanye, who never stops talking, has been gloriously silent.

But rumor has it that Kim is only being quiet because Kanye is so controlling, you know, like he says, ‘Don’t talk to the press or I’ll move back to Paris with my boyfriend’ or ‘Stay away from the paparazzi or I’ll move back to Paris with my boyfriend’ or ‘Stop making that face or I’ll move back to Paris with my boyfriend’.

Oh yeah, ALLEGEDLY.

But it seems that Kanye has been controlling each and every minute of Kim’s life these days, and some are saying that she is ALLEGEDLY “walking on eggshells” — and staying away from cameras — to please her Baby Daddy’s ego.

A source — and you know it’s Kris Jenner, the Biggest Pimp In The World — says, “Kim has been trapped by a madman who’s doing his all to control her every move. She knows the littlest thing can set him off. She knows not to push Kanye too far … she’s doing her best to keep him happy.”

And if that means Kim is staying away from the press and not whoring herself and her baby, Child Support Check, out, then I say, and I never thought I’d say this, Thank you, Kanye.

And now for news about a different Kardastrophe … Khloe.

In recent weeks, it’s been ALLEGED that Khloe’s husband, Lamar Odom, had a nearly year-long affair with a woman named Jennifer Richardson; in fact, Richardson, as women who schtup married basketball players and then find themselves alone are apt to do, sold her story to the Star; but, she had plane tickets, game tickets and other receipts as evidence of the affair, so maybe ….

And then we learned that Khloe actually confronted Jennifer courtside at one of Lamar’s games and told her to stay away from Lamar. For his part, Lamar tried to claim that Jennifer was just a groupie and that they had nothing going on. So, that ALLEGED relationship is said to have ended in February, which may explain why Richardson whored herself to the Star, but now there’s another woman who claims to have had an affair with Lamar.

Polina Polonsky, a lawyer … how’s that for high-larious … claimed that she was Lamar’s f**k-buddy for about six weeks — around the same time Lamar was staying at the Roosevelt Hotel because Khloe had kicked him out of their house for schtupping Jennifer — and she says Khloe and Kris conspired to harass and intimidate her: “I was under the impression that he had left Khloe, and that’s why he was living at the Roosevelt. He acted completely available and we definitely had a mutual attraction.”

Of course he acted available, that’s what adulterers do. Their flirtation escalated during, um, meet-ups, not hook-ups, at the Roosevelt, and then finally, on June 13, the pair made sweet sweet adulterous love: “After we had sex, Lamar stayed the night with me. The next day we went back to the Roosevelt. I stayed there with him for the next couple of nights.”

It wasn’t long before Khloe found out, and, grrrrl, she wasn’t happy. On June 21, while Polina was at her apartment, Khloe and her pimp, Kris Jenner, ALLEGEDLY stormed the Roosevelt to confront Lamar and his lover. According to Polina, Lamar told her that, while looking for him, Khloe and Kris banged on the door of the wrong room and when there was no answer Khloe broke the door down.

Well, that heifer is powerful, you know!

So Lamar, disgusted and a’scurred by Khloe’s behavior fled to Polina’s home and stayed there for nearly two weeks, hiding from his wife. Then, on June 25, Polina says Khloe and Kris came to her home: “I couldn’t believe they found where I lived and came to my apartment! They were knocking on the door, but Lamar refused to answer …”

Khloe eventually left to film her reality show, but later on, when Polina and Odom were schtupping again, Khloe also showed up at that room at the Vagabond Inn … let that sink in … The Vagabond Inn … tacky ass motel.

At 5:30 AM Khloe started banging on their love shack door, sreaming, “Open the door now, or I am calling the police!”

“I told her to leave, but she refused. I called the front desk and asked them to call the police because I was so scared, but no one ever came. While Khloe was screaming outside the door, Lamar was calling people to come and get her. She was out of control. The whole scene was so frightening — and I couldn’t understand why we were hiding, because he made it clear that he didn’t want to be with her!”

Eventually Polina says Lamar opened the door for his wife and: “Khloe charged into the room and began swinging at me…she tried to attack me! Lamar had to grab her by the hoodie and pull her back. She is way bigger than me. It was terrifying. Lamar took her into the hallway, and I shut the door for my own safety. I could hear them screaming at each other, and I kept banging on the door telling them to leave before they got arrested. As soon as they left, I left — I couldn’t stay there after all the craziness.”

As the Immortal Nene Leakes would say, Close your legs to married men!  Close your legs to married men! Close your legs to married men! Close your legs to married men!

Now, onto those other wacky adulterers, Simon Cowell, and his f**k-buddy, and wife of his former friend, Lauren Silverman.

It now seems that Cowell has been schtupping his buddy’s bride since 2009, according to a source — :::cough cough::: Dina Lohan — who says, “Lauren has loved Simon forever. And they started having an affair four years ago.”

The relationship began as a casual fling, you know, a man in a tight T-shirt, smelling like an ashtray, screwing his friend’s wife, but now with a Baby On Board, Cowell and Silverman are just aglow.

But, as much of a scum-sucking, bottom-feeding, can’t keep his pants zipped, or his dick gloved, ass that Simon Cowell can be, his future Baby Mama, Lauren, is a cunning … I was gonna say linguist … bitch. See, Lauren and her husband had a pre-nup, in which she’d get $4 million if they stayed married for ten years.

Guess who got pregnant by her hubby’s buddy right after anniversary Number 10?

Uh huh ….

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I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

We have a lot to get to, y’all, so settle in and be warned: LINDSAY’S FREE!!!!

But first … Sharknado.

Never saw it, don’t care to, the title alone says it’s stupid. Plus, it star’s F-listers Tara Reid and Ian Ziering.

Stupid.

But, ALLEGEDLY, some folks watched it and now a sequel is planned. That’s the bad news; the hilarious news?

Tara Reid will not be asked back to reprise her role. So, you just know your career’s in the crapper when you don’t get asked back for part two of a web movie about a tornado full of sharks.

Just sayin’.

The last we heard about Reese Witherspoon she was all kinds of drunk and asking police officers if they knew her name; you know you’re really drunk if you hafta ask a cop to tell you your name. But I digress.

I think Reese might still be drinking because girl just went to a hair salon to have her hair dyed back to blond from the brown she wore in the movie she was making when she was all arrested and stuff.

I say she must still be drinking because Reese paid $1500 to have her hair colored.

I hope they colored in with real gold for that price.

Sidenote: She ALLEGEDLY knew her own name in the salon so there was none of that uncomfortable silence.

Justin Bieber is spitting again.

I think he should change his stage name to D’Spitter and just come onstage and spit on folks because it seems it’s what he does best.

I mean, he spit in the face of one of his neighbor’s who yelled at him for speeding, and he spit in the face of a DJ who had a camera in his hands, and now he apparently took to spitting all over his fans from a Toronto hotel balcony.

The photos were snapped Thursday in Toronto, show Miss Justine perched Evita-like atop her hotel balcony and dropped a saliva bomb to the crowd below.

At least he didn’t treat his fans like a mop bucket and piss on them.

Okay, so Lohan’s out of full-time rehab and is ALLEGEDLY staying at a sober-living house—which means she’s not at Dina’s.

But she has plans; she’s off to La Grande Apple to promote her porn film The Canyons and then she’s doing an interview with Oprah—for two million bucks—and she might go one Letterman.

But then she says she’s going to Europe to ‘relax’; for Lohan that means party like, well, Lindsay Lohan. Apparently one of Lohan’s friends/dealers is offering to pay her expenses for a ‘job well done’ in rehab, and Lindsay hopes it will give her some privacy during her post-rehab days.

It’s Europe … what could go wrong?

I mean, last time there were pictures of her snorting coke in a hotel room, and then there was the time she partied so hard she lost her passport and couldn’t make one of her many court dates.

Yeah, this bodes well.

American Idol just never learns. Do they?

It seems producers want JLo back now that Moo-riah is out to pasture, Randy Jackson is dawg tired, Nikki Minaj is hawking perfume and only Keith Urban looks like a returning judge.

But, as with all things JLo, it isn’t about the time, or the schedule, or the desire, it’s about the number of zeroes on the check.

During her first stint on the stale show, JLO earned some $15—nearly fifteen times what she gets for singing happy birthday to tyrants and murderers—but now she wants well over the $20 million mark. But a salary north of $20 million for four months’ work would sets a bad precedent for a TV show that has seen it’s audience dwindle from 21 million an episode in season 11, to just 14 million an episode this last year.

Yeah, it still looks stale. Both JLo and Idol.

Back to Lohan ….

Lindsay says she’s ready to make some big changes in her life, including plans to cut ties with some of the toxic friends in her circle. I wonder if she means the gal pal in London paying for her to party in Europe.

Still, rumor has it that Lindsay has made that list, and checked it twice, and will cut the people who are naughty, not nice.

Sources close to the actress—it’s Dina, looking for a payday—say Lindsay recently sat down at Cliffside and made a list of 100 friends … Friends? Dealers? Suppliers? Forgers? … and will remove 80 of them from her life.

No word on which side of the list Dina and Michael fall, but if Lohan is serious, her parents should be Top Two on the Cut List.

Scott Thorson — whose life with Liberace was turned into film Behind The Candelabra — is talking, again, about his affair with Michael Jackson. And I thought it was icky that he and Lee were doing the deed but this ….

Thorson says he “was introduced to Michael Jackson through Liberace back in 1977 and we had a fantastic relationship. … When [Liberace and I] broke up in 1982, Michael swept me off my feet and said, ‘Hey, I’m breaking away from the Jackson 5. I’m going solo’. This is when the Thriller tour started. Michael swept me off my feet.”

And, he says, they were lovers for a short while. Thorson — currently on US probation for identity theft — said he and Jacko stayed pals until Jackson died in 2009 from a drug overdose. And Thorson, who endured hours and hours of plastic surgery to look like his former lover, Liberace, blames the plastic surgery for Jackson’s death: “Michael started his drug addiction because of the plastic surgeons.”

Or, maybe he started his addiction when he realized he was screwing a Liberace knock-off.

Just sayin’.

Last we heard from Britney Spears she was being all edgy and stuff, singing a song called, ‘If U Seek Amy,’ which is a subtle — or not so subtle — way of saying, F**k me. Go ahead, say the name of the song out loud and really listen; I’ll wait.

Good, you’re back. Well, how does one follow up a F**k me song? By singing ‘Ooh La La’ in the new Smurf’s movie. And then showing up at the premiere looking like you have no idea who all the tiny blue people are and what they’re doing there. Or maybe she saw the movie already and her face is her review ….

Britney. Britney. Britney.

More Lohan? I knew it!

After leaving rehab, going to Europe, promoting her porn film, spilling her guts to Oprah, talking to Letterman, Lindsay will have an actual paying job!

Lohan is set to guest host Chelsea Handler‘s Chelsea Lately.

Bad idea, say what? Isn’t Chelsea Handler a comedian? Isn’t her show all kinds of bad taste funny? How will Lohan even measure up unless ….

The whole idea is for Lohan to guest host so that when Chelsea comes back she can spend a week ridiculing Lindsay for her really awful, high-lariously bad, interviewing skills.

I mean, picture Lohan asking her guests questions: Where do you score prescription meds? How do you manage not to show your firecrotch when getting out of a car? Will you take my parents away from me?

This.Could.Be.Huge.

And, speaking of Lohan parents: Dina Lohan.

While her daughter was in rehab for her decade’s long addictions to alcohol and drugs, Dina Lohan made an appearance at the premiere of Lindsay’s porn film, The Canyons.

And, I guess since she was representing Lindsay, Dina felt it best to show up in all kinds of intoxication. And she brought along the lawyer that Lindsay fired, mid-trial, Mark Heller, who appeared to need to hold Dina up.

Seriously, Lohan, I know you read this, because your name is your Google alert, Put yo mama on the toxic list.

And, let’s end up back at a story about American Idol; or, at least, former Idol bad guy, Simon Cowell.

He’s gonna be a daddy, y’all! It seems like Simon has done knocked up some New York socialite named Lauren Silverman; and, the, um, interesting thing is that Lauren Silverman is a married lady. She and her husband, Andrew, aren’t even legally separated and no paperwork has been filed, though they are said to be estranged.

And the sick part is Simon and Andrew were/are friends.

I guess the friend that impregnates your wife is, well, not really a friend. 

And apparently, he’s not keen on daddy-hood: “God, no. I couldn’t have children. If I had them here drawing on the walls I’d go nuts. With kids, you’ve got a routine you can’t escape from. You’ve got to be up at a certain time. Got to listen. When all you want to do is sit in a corner thinking.”

Yeah, this’ll be good.

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