I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Justin Bieber is an entitled little douche with little discernible talent other than being a spoiled, self-indulgent prissy little queen. Whoosh. That felt good.

He’s also a bit of a coward.

See, Miss Justine likes to start trouble in clubs—the ones that let underage girls in, that is—but then turns tail and runs to his bodyguards when things get rough. And they hoist him onto their hip, take him out to the car, strap him in his car-seat and give him a binkie till things die down.

Last week, at South Pointe in Southampton, Miss Justine showed up at 2 AM and immediately threw a tantrum because a bunch of drunks wanted his picture; I mean, you’d have to be pretty trashed to want a picture of that whiny brat, amirite?

So Miss Justine’s ‘team’ of bodyguards, to, you know, protect their paychecks, began shoving the crowd and shining flashlights in their faces so the cameras couldn’t capture Miss Justine drinking from a bottle … of formula.

Then, when a female clubgoer tried to chat up the Biebs, and he got all chest puffy, her male friend and Justine exchanged a few heated words: “He (Bieber) ripped his shirt off and went nuts. He was screaming,” says the source—AKA Dina Lohan. “Security moved in, and Bieber was taken from the club out to the parking lot, where his SUVs were waiting.”

And his nurse, who put him down for a nap, after changing his dirty diaper.

I do so love a good catfight, and no one knows how to do it better than Joan Collins.

I mean, she’s at least a 100, right? And still kicking off her mules and taking off her earrings and getting into the dirt …. with Shirley Jones, best known as Shirley Partridge from The Partridge Family.

Yeah, that Shirley Jones.

It seems Jones wrote a memoir where she claims that she and Joan nearly had some kind of torrid foursome in the 1960s and Joan says it never happened; she’s ranting to anyone who’ll listen that she is not some ‘porn-watching swinger pervert and never was, and now she threatening Jones.

According to the book, Shirley and her then-husband Jack Cassidy were at the home of Joan Collins and her then-husband Tony Newley for dinner … and after dinner, Tony proposed they all get naked and watch porn together. Shirley writes, “It was clear what Tony was leading up to — swinging.”

But, Shirley says she turned down the offer, and now Joan is accusing her of libel. Collins sent Shirley a cease and desist letter, demanding her new book be removed from stores everywhere, but Shirley’s NOT backing down. She says the story is true and she’s standing by it.

Old women arguing over group sex and porn. Who’da thunk it!

Lindsay’s in New York, y’all. Lock up all the clubs and tell the psychics to stay indoors!

But, one place you won’t see Lindsay is in Europe. After announcing upon her exit from Rehab Stay #7 that she would be headed to Europe for a vacation, Lindsay has suddenly changed her mind.

Or, she had it changed for her.

It seems Oprah has ALLEEGDLY talked Lindsay out of a European Vacation.

See, O is sure Lindsay will relapse if she goes and O just cut Lindsay a check for $2 million for a reality show docu-series, and O wants it to have a happy ending, with Lindsay clean and sober, not coked up at a hotel in Cannes; again.

Sidenote: It was all over the media yesterday that O was saying she knew this time Lindsay will stay clean, but if you listen to the actual quote, O says, “I think she thinks this time will work.”

O’s hedging her bets ….

Looky here, two more grande dames of the cinema having a catfight.

Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis. I bet they get down and dirtier than Collins and Jones did.

The two aging he-men have appeared in The Expendables, which spawned a sequel, with plans for a third installment. My kinda movie: wrinkly old men as action heroes.

Willis’ part in the first film went uncredited, but he signed on for the second one, and he was supposed to do the third but it seems like he wanted a bigger piece of the Grampa Action Hero money so he was replaced by that other aging action hero, Harrison Ford.

And Sly likes the idea, Tweeting: “WILLIS OUT… HARRISON FORD IN !!!! GREAT NEWS !!!!! Been waiting years for this!!!!”

And then following up with this jab at Willis:  “GREEDY AND LAZY …… A SURE FORMULA FOR CAREER FAILURE.”

And before anyone could say he didn’t mean it, Stallone’s rep confirmed he was talking about Willis.

I wanna see a tag-team match, Collins and Stallone versus Willis and Jones. That’s an action movie I’d see.

Now onto Kimye.

All has been quiet since Kim’s baby, Child Support Check, was born, and even Kanye, who never stops talking, has been gloriously silent.

But rumor has it that Kim is only being quiet because Kanye is so controlling, you know, like he says, ‘Don’t talk to the press or I’ll move back to Paris with my boyfriend’ or ‘Stay away from the paparazzi or I’ll move back to Paris with my boyfriend’ or ‘Stop making that face or I’ll move back to Paris with my boyfriend’.

Oh yeah, ALLEGEDLY.

But it seems that Kanye has been controlling each and every minute of Kim’s life these days, and some are saying that she is ALLEGEDLY “walking on eggshells” — and staying away from cameras — to please her Baby Daddy’s ego.

A source — and you know it’s Kris Jenner, the Biggest Pimp In The World — says, “Kim has been trapped by a madman who’s doing his all to control her every move. She knows the littlest thing can set him off. She knows not to push Kanye too far … she’s doing her best to keep him happy.”

And if that means Kim is staying away from the press and not whoring herself and her baby, Child Support Check, out, then I say, and I never thought I’d say this, Thank you, Kanye.

And now for news about a different Kardastrophe … Khloe.

In recent weeks, it’s been ALLEGED that Khloe’s husband, Lamar Odom, had a nearly year-long affair with a woman named Jennifer Richardson; in fact, Richardson, as women who schtup married basketball players and then find themselves alone are apt to do, sold her story to the Star; but, she had plane tickets, game tickets and other receipts as evidence of the affair, so maybe ….

And then we learned that Khloe actually confronted Jennifer courtside at one of Lamar’s games and told her to stay away from Lamar. For his part, Lamar tried to claim that Jennifer was just a groupie and that they had nothing going on. So, that ALLEGED relationship is said to have ended in February, which may explain why Richardson whored herself to the Star, but now there’s another woman who claims to have had an affair with Lamar.

Polina Polonsky, a lawyer … how’s that for high-larious … claimed that she was Lamar’s f**k-buddy for about six weeks — around the same time Lamar was staying at the Roosevelt Hotel because Khloe had kicked him out of their house for schtupping Jennifer — and she says Khloe and Kris conspired to harass and intimidate her: “I was under the impression that he had left Khloe, and that’s why he was living at the Roosevelt. He acted completely available and we definitely had a mutual attraction.”

Of course he acted available, that’s what adulterers do. Their flirtation escalated during, um, meet-ups, not hook-ups, at the Roosevelt, and then finally, on June 13, the pair made sweet sweet adulterous love: “After we had sex, Lamar stayed the night with me. The next day we went back to the Roosevelt. I stayed there with him for the next couple of nights.”

It wasn’t long before Khloe found out, and, grrrrl, she wasn’t happy. On June 21, while Polina was at her apartment, Khloe and her pimp, Kris Jenner, ALLEGEDLY stormed the Roosevelt to confront Lamar and his lover. According to Polina, Lamar told her that, while looking for him, Khloe and Kris banged on the door of the wrong room and when there was no answer Khloe broke the door down.

Well, that heifer is powerful, you know!

So Lamar, disgusted and a’scurred by Khloe’s behavior fled to Polina’s home and stayed there for nearly two weeks, hiding from his wife. Then, on June 25, Polina says Khloe and Kris came to her home: “I couldn’t believe they found where I lived and came to my apartment! They were knocking on the door, but Lamar refused to answer …”

Khloe eventually left to film her reality show, but later on, when Polina and Odom were schtupping again, Khloe also showed up at that room at the Vagabond Inn … let that sink in … The Vagabond Inn … tacky ass motel.

At 5:30 AM Khloe started banging on their love shack door, sreaming, “Open the door now, or I am calling the police!”

“I told her to leave, but she refused. I called the front desk and asked them to call the police because I was so scared, but no one ever came. While Khloe was screaming outside the door, Lamar was calling people to come and get her. She was out of control. The whole scene was so frightening — and I couldn’t understand why we were hiding, because he made it clear that he didn’t want to be with her!”

Eventually Polina says Lamar opened the door for his wife and: “Khloe charged into the room and began swinging at me…she tried to attack me! Lamar had to grab her by the hoodie and pull her back. She is way bigger than me. It was terrifying. Lamar took her into the hallway, and I shut the door for my own safety. I could hear them screaming at each other, and I kept banging on the door telling them to leave before they got arrested. As soon as they left, I left — I couldn’t stay there after all the craziness.”

As the Immortal Nene Leakes would say, Close your legs to married men!  Close your legs to married men! Close your legs to married men! Close your legs to married men!

Now, onto those other wacky adulterers, Simon Cowell, and his f**k-buddy, and wife of his former friend, Lauren Silverman.

It now seems that Cowell has been schtupping his buddy’s bride since 2009, according to a source — :::cough cough::: Dina Lohan — who says, “Lauren has loved Simon forever. And they started having an affair four years ago.”

The relationship began as a casual fling, you know, a man in a tight T-shirt, smelling like an ashtray, screwing his friend’s wife, but now with a Baby On Board, Cowell and Silverman are just aglow.

But, as much of a scum-sucking, bottom-feeding, can’t keep his pants zipped, or his dick gloved, ass that Simon Cowell can be, his future Baby Mama, Lauren, is a cunning … I was gonna say linguist … bitch. See, Lauren and her husband had a pre-nup, in which she’d get $4 million if they stayed married for ten years.

Guess who got pregnant by her hubby’s buddy right after anniversary Number 10?

Uh huh ….

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

It’s been a quiet early summer, what with Lindsay Lohan being on vacation in rehab locked up, and yet the girl still manages to stay in the headlines.

She is ALLEGEDLY doing very well during her time at Betty Ford—I’ll be withholding judgment until she gets out and plans her next heist/arrest/car accident—and some folks are saying she's already trying to score--see what I did there?--her next film role. And, get this, she thinks Fifty Shades Of Grey is just the movie for her, because, you know, it was a huge-assed literary[?] success and the film is said to be big-budget and that just screams Lindsay Lo....

WTF? A source—and you know it's Dina after she set down the boxed wine … more on that in a second—says, “Lindsay needs a big high profile role. She needs to be part of a movie everyone wants to see and thinks ‘Fifty’ is a role she would be perfect for. She has read the book several times and knows this is a character that she can play. She wants to be part of something iconic, something that will live forever like Harry Potter or The Hunger Games. Now, she thinks she has found it.”

Fifty Shades? Like Harry Potter or The Hunger Games? Maybe Lohan needs to stay in rehab longer because she's clearly still delusional.

During my show biz career, I learned a few very valuable lessons:

• If you want to attend the Met Ball, don’t annoy Anna Wintour, and don’t date a Kardashian.
• Tom Cruise is crazy; likewise, Will Smith.
• Gwyneth Paltrow has an enormous head.
• Don’t piss off Naomi Campbell is she has a cell phone in her hands.

There are other rules, of course, but these three are hard and fast rules, and we’ll be talking about #4 today.

Her name may not be a household one yet, but be on the lookout for Luo Zilin because one of these days you’re apt to see a photo of her with an iPhone stuck to her head. Zilin, a former Miss China, is also a model and was a contestant on the 'America’s Next Top Model' rip-off, 'The Face', where she was mentored by, wait for it, Naomi ‘Hurl-a-phone’ Campbell. 

And, apparently Naomi and Luo got along just fine until recently when, mere seconds after Naomi dumped her zillionaire Russian boyfriend, Vladimir Doronin, Luo Zilin took up with him.

Yes; Luo is dating Naomi’s sloppy seconds. And they are going everywhere together and having their picture taken everywhere while they cuddle and coo and kiss, and while Naomi heads down to Radio Shack to shore up her arsenal.

Remember the name: Luo Zilin. She’ll be the one wearing the phone in her skull. Or ….

Maybe Naomi, rather than using a communication device, will use her reputation to get even. See, just after those coochie-coo pictures of Luo and Vlad appeared, Luo Zilin was fired from her management firm, whose president released this statement: “Zilin’s contract with MIX Model Management NYC was terminated last week due to ongoing unprofessional conduct and unacceptable work ethic.” 

i.e. Pissing off Naomi Campbell.

Now, more Lohan.

She just celebrated her month-iversay in rehab and, while some say all is going well, Lindsay does have a request: she'd like to be released in time to celebrate her 57th 27th birthday.

According to an insider--and it might be Brooke Mueller, Charlie Sheen's meth-addicted-ex-wife in her room down the hall at Betty Ford--says Lindsay wants the clinic to send a letter to the court indicating that she doesn't need to full court-ordered ninety days in treatment, and that she's all better and wants to get out and party for birthday on July 2,

thirty days shy of her COURT ORDERED rehab stint.

Sadly, or maybe not, her doctors won't be writing a letter to get her out sooner, in fact, most of them think she needs a longer stay. Maybe she'll get out for her 58th 28th birthday.

All kinds of stories these days about Kanye West and his cold feet at the idea of being forever tethered to the Kardashian family because he knocked up married-to-someone-else-at-the-time Kim. Kanye, while Kash Kow has been waddling around the US, has been living and working, and ALLEGEDLY playing house with designer Riccardo Tisci in Europe.

But then came Kash Kow’s Baby Shower for the Demon Spawn—to be filmed for her ‘reality’ show—and she begged and pleaded with Kanye to come so she could prove their still a couple and happy and shiz.

Except Kanye, always the Princess, showed up at the last minute as most of the guests were leaving, and hid his face form those mere mortals. According to the guests, actually the camera crew, Kanye looked miserable the whole time, and tried to dodge the E! cameras.

Good luck with that one, Kanye, because when, not if, you dump Kim and marry someone else—perhaps in France where same-sex marriage is now legal—you will always, always, ALWAYS, have both a Kardashian and a camera crew on your tail.

So, while we keep reading about Lindsay’s antics, let’s take a closer look at where she gets them: Dina Lohan. It seems that with one Lohan in rehab and unable to make a mess of herself in public, Dina has done what every good mother does, and stepped in to keep the crazy alive.

Recently, Dina and her ex-husband, Michael, received $50,000 each to go on some TV talk show called “The Test” and argue and yell and blame one another for Lindsay Lohan. But then Dina, always the bigger famewhore, decided she didn’t need the whole 50K and decided to give some back. Except she stiffed the charity.

Dina attended a Ferrari charity event at Andrra Waterside Restaurant in East Hampton, and Edmond Chakmakian, the lawyer for the restaurant says Dina and her brother showed up and went to town, drinking up a storm and buying drinks for everyone else. Lohan ran up a $2500 bar tab, and then also pledged $1500 to the charity—The Clamshell Foundation, which funds local charities that help underprivileged kids--and then left without coughing up a dime.

Chakmakian sent her multiple emails demanding payment, but got no response, probably because Dina got so hammered she doesn’t even remember being at the event. Now, Chakmakian is suing Dina on behalf of the restaurant for the $4,000 she owes.

This is, I think, the fifth time Dina has pulled this stunt, showing up at events, charging thousands in booze, and then skipping, or tripping, out on the bill. And we wonder why Lindsay is such a mess.

And speaking of Kardashians, little … I kid … Khloe Kardashian has taken to spilling the beans on the marriage of her two mommies, Kris and Bruce Jenner. Now, we all know that Khloe is the boring Kardashian, most known for being crowded out of camera range on their ‘reality’ show, or being fired from every other job she’s ever had—The X Factor, anyone?—so she has to do something to stay relevant, or interesting, I guess.

And that something is going on Jay Leno and discussing her mom’s questionable marriage to RuPaul’s Drag Race runner-up, Bruce Jenner. In fact, while Khloe discussed the need for every husband to have his own space, his own Man Cave, she revealed that Bruce actually has his own Man House.

Man House? Whatev.

“Well, they’re [Bruce and Kris] not having problems but they still like to live apart, which is definitely different. In my house, there is a man room for Lamar. A room, not a different house. I think they took my idea and ran with it and they got another house. Bruce stays there sometimes.”

Methinks Bruce might be staying there more and more, now, especially since Khloe went on to clarify her remarks, only to make it abundantly clear that Kris and Bruce are just a couple for TV.

“[Bruce’s house] is in the same state, a different city. I’m not for that, but you know, to each their own. I don’t compare relationships. I just think a little too much time apart maybe isn’t the best thing. They’re like, ‘Don’t judge us. We’ve been married [22] years. I’m like, ‘I know people that have been married longer that still live together.’”

Me also thinks Khloe may want to shut her cake-hole since Kris seems to hold the strings to the ‘reality’ show, or she might just find herself fired from another gig. Her family.

So, serial dater, and beggar of men to be her boyfriend, Jennifer Love Hewitt is all knocked up and stuff. And, apparently, the baby daddy is Brian Hallisay, one of the co-stars on her Lifetime TV show where she plays, well, probably, some kind of hooker or psychic, or psychic hooker.

The story broke this week that JLH is with child and then there was silence. I think the silence was when Hewitt went to her bank and transferred massive sums of money to another account only moments before she announced that Hallisay had proposed.

Now, I’m not saying she gave him a bankroll so he’d marry her after he knocked her up …. Who am I kidding? That’s exactly what I’m saying.

The couple has been dating for over a year and don't become engaged until about an hour after news breaks that JLH has been knocked up.

It’s got payday written all over it.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But .....

Lindsay Lohan recently shot scenes as a guest star on Charlie Sheen's Anger Management and had so much fun that she decided to do what she does best.

Get high and crash a car? Not this time.

She stole 2 bracelets, sunglasses, a pair of shoes, gold earrings, a silk bathrobe, lingerie, tap shorts and, because this is how she rolls, a necklace from the set. It’s unclear if they were a gift for being so good on the show—she kept them waiting for two hours one day and continually forgot her lines …. of dialogue, I mean—or if she pulled another heist like she’s been known to do.

For her part, rather than deny she’s a thief, Lindsay is actually admitting she took the items but says she told the show they could take it out of her salary.

The show says they had no such deal with Lohan but will probably just write it off. They have bigger things to worry about, you know, like Charlie Sheen.

Still, this is a Lohan habit. Hire her; pay her, she steals from you. Back in January we learned that she pocketed on of Elizabeth Taylor’s bracelets, and before that, in October, she ALLEGEDLY got her sticky fingers on $15,000 of wardrobe from Scary Movie 5; she also stole a necklace in 2011 and, again, ALLEGEDLY,  a mink coat, worth $11,000, in 2008.

Rapper Busta Rhymes ALLEGEDLY has a slur-filled hissy fit this past week in Miami Beach, when he began hurling anti-gay epithets at employees of Cheeseburger Baby after he and his entourage were told they couldn’t cut in line.

Don’t they know who he is? Does anyone, because, seriously, I don’t.

Stephanie Vitori, the owner of Cheeseburger Baby, says the rapper's party became belligerent when the restaurant refused to take their order before others waiting in line, and then, when he finally got his burger and found that his condiments had been served on the side, he called the server a "fag" and Vitori a "bitch."

According to Vitori, after an employee explained that they always serve condiments on the side—to avoid the dreaded soggy bun—Busta shrieked, "F*** you, fag! I'm not leaving until I get ketchup, mayo, salt and pepper on my burger."

Vitori then instructed employees to open Rhymes' mayo and ketchup packets and dress his burger to get him out of the restaurant. He left before Miami Beach Police arrived, but Vitori has filed a report.

I’d say he should ‘a bustard a move and gotten his homophobic ass outta South Beach.

More on Lohan ….

Prosecutors are still trying to figure out what to do about Lindsay’s “lockdown rehab” because, they’ve just discovered, there is no such thing in this country as lockdown rehab, unless it’s called prison. So, they might be forced to put her in regular rehab so she can continue doing her drinking and drugging, and probably check herself out at will when the party bus rolls up, or send her to jail.

I say jail.

But, what’s interesting about all of this is that wherever Lindsay ends up—other than the morgue—she’ll being taking her Adderall with her.  She claims she’s been taking the drug for her AD/HD—which no one knows if she really has—for years, and is demanding to be allowed to take it in rehab; or jail.

Seriously, when does the drug addict-drunk driver-jewel thief get to set the rules?

On to some JLo….

Jennifer Lopez hasn’t been doing much lately, other than babysitting her boyfriend while nannies watch her own kids. But, she was scheduled to perform at the opening ceremony of the Indian Premiere League’s cricket tournament until ….

She began making JLo-ass-sized demands.

She wanted a private jet, and hotel rooms for her army of engineers and technicians, er, hairdressers, make-up people, and stylists, assistants, personal chefs, ass patters.

But officials at the Indian Premiere League balked at her demands and booked Pitbull instead because all he wanted was, well, a job.

A source—and you know it’s boy-toy Casper looking for extra cash to stash for when JLo bounces him—says, “The demands made on behalf of Jennifer were outrageous. She effectively priced herself out of the event. It was an idiotic move because the audience for this event is huge. It’s like the Super Bowl halftime show. Last year it drew 56 million viewers.”

A rep for Lopez said the reason she didn’t perform in India was because she was busy.

Being a diva.

I think I’ll start calling her Lady Gogo, as in Go! Go!

Gaga is pissing me off. First, you know, and this isn’t her fault, but she cancels the majority of her last tour because, as an old lady often does, she had hip surgery.

No fault. But then she comes out with a Golden Wheelchair and is pushed all over town by her peeps because, you know, old lady hip. Except ….

This week she was seen walking, all by herself, into a yoga class, wearing heels. And then after the class, she left the studio in her stupid Louis Vuitton wheelchair.

To be fair, the heels weren’t her usual gravity defying shoes, but still, she was wearing heels before class and wheels after class.

Seriously. Go. Go. Gaga.

I guess since Kim Kash Kow Kardashian poked a hole in a condom so she could snare Kanye West with a baby, it’s been left to what I thought was The Normal Kardashian to go all asshat stupid.

It seems that Khloe’s husband, Lamar Odom started a charity called Cathy’s Kids—named after his mother who died of cancer. Nice, no? Well, it turns out that ever since this little charity was formed back in Ott-Four, it hasn’t given a single dime to cancer research but instead has paid Lamar’s high school basketball coach and best man at his wedding $72,000 a year and financed youth basketball teams.

Lamar ain’t talking, but Khloe is: “Cathy’s Kids was formed with several purposes in mind, including benefitting underprivileged youth and cancer research. A decision was ultimately made that the charity should focus on one of those purposes—to help enrich the lives of underprivileged inner-city youth. It accomplished that goal. Cathy’s Kids helped fund multiple AAU basketball teams providing underprivileged youth with opportunities enriching their lives, providing financial support for coaching and travel to tournaments, helping inner-city youth on a path toward success and leading many participants to go on to college.”

So, Khloe thinks a charity that was created to honor a woman who died from cancer by raising money for cancer, does better if it gives its money for basketball programs?

Nothing shady about that Khloe.

Remember when Halle Berry’s baby daddy, Gabriel Aubry, got into a scuffle with her new boyfriend, Olivier Martinez, and everyone made it out that Aubry had anger issues and he was all at fault and stuff?

Well, maybe not. See, this past week, while being swarmed by paparazzi at LAX, Halle became pissed off when Olivier began kicking the photographers. Halle, her daughter Nahla, and Martinez had just come back from a Hawaiian vacation when the photogs descended on them. Halle started screaming, “Get away from the child. What the f*ck is wrong with you people. There’s a child.”

And then Olivier brought the feet to the party. When they got to their SUV, Martinez ALLEGEDLY booted one of the photographers before Halle got him into the car.

I think that whole Aubry Is A Dangerous Man business a few months ago was just another Halle fib.

Let's end with something kinda funny.

i often make jokes about Lindsay Lohan releasing a statement from under a bar somewhere, so imagine my glee when I found just such a picture of Lohan partying it up in Brazil before she begins her ninety-day-Adderall-fueled lockdown.

Lindsay. Under a bar. There's no place like home!

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