Vacation Repost: Queer. And Present.

originally posted February 14, 2011

According to TVGuide Canada, these are the Top Ten Same-Sex couple ever to appear on television:

1 Cameron Tucker (Eric Stonestreet) and Mitchell Pritchett (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) on  Modern Family:

You’ve probably already fallen for Mitchell and Cam, the funniest--and most visible--gay couple on television today. The 2009 pilot episode opened with the couple flying home with their adopted daughter Lily, and a hilarious misunderstanding when another passenger says “Look at the cute baby with those cream puffs.”

To be fair, Lily was eating cream puffs!

Fans campaigned online for more physical affection between the two, as it seemed that only the show’s heterosexual couples were allowed to kiss. The kiss came during Season 2, in an episode devoted to Mitchell’s discomfort with public displays of affection.

2 Keith Charles (Mathew St. Patrick) and David Fisher (Michael C. Hall) from Six Feet Under:

How would you describe a relationship between an emotionally repressed, closeted mortician and a police officer with anger issues?

If you said “complicated,” move to the head of the class.

HBO’s Six Feet Under was acclaimed for its true-to-life portrayal of gay men and the highs and lows of their relationships, and no one went higher or lower than David and Keith. They broke up twice over five seasons, but by the series’ end, they had achieved a new level of intimacy and adopted two teenage boys, Anthony and Durrell. The emotional final episode showed us a glimpse of their future, including their wedding and how each of them died.

3 Dr. Callie Torres (Sara Ramírez) and Dr. Arizona Robbins (Jessica Capshaw) on Grey’s Anatomy:

Some Grey’s fans cried foul after Dr. Erica Hahn (Brooke Smith) was suddenly written out during Season 5, coincidentally after kissing Callie. Showrunner Shonda Rhimes insisted the decision had nothing to do with a reluctance to portray a lesbian relationship, but rather a “lack of chemistry.”

Thankfully, that chemistry is alive and well with Callie and Arizona, the head of pediatric surgery at Seattle Grace Mercy West. Initially, Callie was reluctant to date Arizona, who had only ever been with one woman. Now they’re having a baby together! And with Mark Sloane.

it’s complicated. It’s Grey’s.

4 Jesus Velasquez (Kevin Alejandro) and Lafayette Reynolds (Nelsan Ellis) from True Blood:

Outrageously flamboyant, Lafayette makes no apologies for who he is, and won’t put up with anyone who feels he should. A part-time prostitute and dealer of V-juice, Lafayette is the short order cook at Merlotte’s Bar, and isn’t afraid of any trash-talking redneck that sends a hamburger back to the kitchen.

Enter Jesus, the caregiver of Lafayette’s institutionalized mother. After some hot dates and a sampling of V, Lafayette and Jesus discover they are both descendants of practitioners of magic — and not the nice kind. It’s just another day in Bon Temps, Louisiana.

5 Dr. Jon Fielding (Bill Campbell) and Michael “Mouse” Tolliver (Marcus D’Amico) from Armistead Maupin’s Tales of the City:

This 1993 miniseries was years ahead of its time in its representation of the LGBT community, and brought to life some of the most beloved characters in contemporary literature.

Unlucky-in-love Mouse finally met the first big love of his life, Jon, by crashing into him at a roller rink — just in time for the couples dance.

6 Ianto Jones (Gareth David-Lloyd) and Captain Jack Harkness (John Barrowman) from Torchwood:

Jack Harkness proved so popular in the 2005 season of Doctor Who, the time-travelling con artist was spun out of the 51st century and into a series of his own. Over three seasons, Jack’s relationship with Torchwood Institute colleague Ianto Jones went from casual to complicated, and the ongoing storyline hit home with gay and bisexual viewers.

Sadly, Ianto fell prey to a fatal virus in Torchwood: Children of Earth, telling Jack he loved him with his dying breath.

7 Kevin Walker (Matthew Rhys) and Scotty Wandell (Luke Macfarlane) on Brothers & Sisters:

It wasn’t exactly love at first sight for conservative Kevin and out-and-proud Scotty; the two had a few spats and an emotional breakup before reconnecting. Then came their commitment ceremony in Season 2’s finale--the first same-sex wedding between ongoing regular characters on any American network show.

As of this season, the ABC series’ showrunner is David Marshall Grant, one of the actors from a controversial 1989 thirtysomething scene in which two men appeared for the first time on TV in bed together, after what was undoubtedly a sexual encounter.

What goes around, comes around.

8 Bette Porter (Jennifer Beals) and Tina Kennard (Laurel Holloman) from The L Word:

Throughout the series’ run, is there anything this up and down, on-and-off couple didn’t work through? A miscarriage, unemployment, childbirth, dating men, legal battles over adoption … I could go on, or just point out their indiscretions on The Chart.

While other couples on the show also captured fans’ hearts (take a bow, Shane and Carmen, Alice and Dana), only Bette and Tina saw through their trials and tribulations for all six seasons. Shame about Jenny Schecter’s dead body in their pool in that series finale, though. That was a bit of a mood killer.

9 Larry (Julius Chapple) and Sam Adama (Sasha Roiz) on Caprica:

Earth can learn a lot from Caprica, where sexual orientation is a non-issue. In the series’ third episode, viewers met Larry, the supportive husband of tattooed Tauron mob enforcer Sam Adama. Larry appeared in only four episodes, but resonated with fans who enjoyed his charm and his willingness to stand by his man — even when Sam usually came home grumpy. The two served as role models to Sam’s young nephew, William, who will one day grow up to command Battlestar Galactica.

10 Tara Maclay (Amber Benson) and Willow Rosenberg (Alyson Hannigan) from Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Buffy fans still consider the romance between Willow and Tara to be one of the series’ most important relationships. Kudos to creator Joss Whedon for showing the first regularly represented lesbian couple on network television, even if they weren’t allowed to kiss for a long time.

Willow went on a rampage after Tara’s sudden death in Season 6, but Whedon didn’t let her mourn forever. In one of the series’ final episodes, Willow and new girlfriend Kennedy (Iyari Limon) steamed up the screen in network TV’s first lesbian sex scene.

This post is two years old .... How does this list work for you? Who are the other same-sex couples who should have been on the list?

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Vacation Repost: Being Sick. Being Gay. Being Alive. Being Loved.

originally posted Tuesday, December 01, 2009

This is an article written by a very good friend of ours, detailing his odyssey through illness and hospitals and health care as a gay man. It first appeared in the Bottomline magazine HERE. 

Swine Flu, Love and Health Reform

By Rick Vila

Rick Vila

My husband, Ken Lyon, and I planned a two-week vacation in New England several months ago. We were excited to make the trip, relax in Provincetown, visit the famed mansions in Newport, Rhode Island, and drive up to Montreal to visit friends via picturesque Vermont and New Hampshire. We left Palm Springs feeling upbeat, looking forward to getting away from the desert heat and full of excitement. Little did we know that our vacation would turn into a 23-day odyssey that left us weaker, yet stronger; fearful, but more valiant; dumbfounded yet wiser; shaken at our core, but more in love.

Two days into our trip I felt sick with flu-like symptoms: chills, fevers, body aches, headache, coughing. I stayed in the condo we had rented for the week in Provincetown for three days, thinking if I rested, drank fluids and took over-the counter medications I’d improve. For two days I did feel better so we ventured out and about Provincetown, which was full of visitors due to it being Carnival week there.

That Saturday, we drove to Newport, Rhode Island, to see the famed mansions on our way to Vermont. I was feeling pretty good, though still a bit fatigued from the flu I thought I had just gotten rid of. While touring the Breakers, the old Vanderbilt mansion, I attempted to climb the lovely staircase to the second level. Suddenly I realized I was out of breath and couldn’t get up the stairs. A young man, also on the tour, said to me, “Sir, are you all right? You look very sick.” I was startled by this comment from a total stranger. I told Ken I was out of breath and wanted to go back and rest in the car while he finished the tour. We checked into a hotel in Providence, RI, and by morning I knew I was very sick. Ken asked about a local hospital and we were referred to the Miriam Hospital, a small, Jewish teaching hospital for Brown University’s medical school. Within one hour of arriving in the emergency room, I had been diagnosed with double pneumonia, had been admitted and put in an isolation chamber private room.

What followed was a total decline of my health to a level I had not known before, despite my age (55) and many previous health issues (HIV/AIDS, accidents, etc.). The second day in the hospital I was put in Intensive Care for six days, and developed two additional infections: clostridium difficile (which causes uncontrolled diarrhea and vomiting), and a yeast infection covering my buttocks and thighs that made me itch constantly.

As it turns out, I was told I had a confirmed positive diagnosis for the currently notorious swine flu. The state of Rhode Island’s health department quarantined me and anyone entering my room was required to wear gloves, gowns, masks and plastic shields over their faces. I was the first swine flu case for the particular medical team to which I was assigned and as such was studied by doctors, residents and medical students exhaustively.

I had at least two very dark days in I.C.U., where my very existence became tenuous. My oxygenation was declining and the doctor wanted to put me on life support. I pleaded with her to give me four or five hours before she did so, to see if I improved, and she agreed to respect my wishes. I realized I needed to release the enormous amount of anxiety I was feeling, and went into a very personal and private contemplative place to find internal light and strength to help me improve. I thought of Ken and how much I wanted to live to be with him, and how much I loved him.

My sister had flown up from Florida to be with us, and her presence, love and strength nourished me deeply. We have always been close and I knew I wanted to be around to grow old with her. Miraculously, as I surrendered control and anxiety and moved into a place of love, quiet and acceptance, my breathing improved. For six days in ICU I had an oxygen mask, three IV’s, a heart monitor. I was and felt dirty, not being able to shower, or clean up, and having constant diarrhea into a bedpan and having to urinate into a plastic bottle because I was too weak to get out of bed. My beard grew long and gray, my skin became scaly and itchy. My energy level nosedived to zero. I could not eat, stand, or even move, and nothing interested me, except the love and presence of my husband and my sister. I lost 30 pounds in the course of my hospital stay. But it is not the darkness of those days that I want to focus on or the reason for my writing. I’m writing to honor the values of love and gratitude.

For those skeptics of gay love, I have a story to tell. My story is that my husband, Ken, never left my side. I’ve loved him since we met, and always known him to be an excellent human being—now he is in my stratosphere. He slept in the hospital every night with me, including six nights in a chair in the I.C.U., and another six in the hospital room sofa bed. He cared for me lovingly, attending to every detail, dealing with all the logistics, advocating on my behalf, respecting my every wish, listening to me, and loving me unconditionally. He cleaned me, and comforted me as I shook with fevers, fear and despair. He hugged me and kissed me, when everyone else was masked. I think the hospital staff early on understood the power of love in our relationship. We were lucky to be in Rhode Island, where gay marriage is recognized (though not yet legally performed), and not in another state where things could have been very different.

I really got close and personal to the spirit of New Englanders: respectful, caring, independent, wise. My nurse in I.C.U was a man named Gary, who disclosed to me in conversation that he was a Seventh Day Adventist, and that he and his family’s priorities and life revolved around their church, where he was an elder/minister. I visited that religion’s website later and read of their condemnation towards homosexuals. Yet Gary could not have been more caring towards us, more respectful towards Ken (knowing full well of our relationship), or a better nurse. He even came up to my room after I was out of ICU to visit and see how “we” were doing.

Ken and I always refer to each other as “husbands,” which is what we are. And I believe the natural love we demonstrated openly towards each other was so transparent, and so beautiful, that no one could repudiate it. I think in the face of truth and love, human-crafted religious edicts lose out because nothing is greater or more imbued with truth than the power of love. The “Gary” lesson for me is to be cautious in the future about stereotyping people with too wide a brush. There are good, respectful, decent people of all religious, philosophical and political persuasions.

I got stronger every day and each day felt closer to normal. When we arrived in Palm Springs, the mountains had never before looked so beautiful to me; our house felt more grandiose than the Vanderbilt’s Breakers; our dog Lily’s wagging tail became a grounding bolt of what really matters. I spent the week feeling grateful. Grateful for Ken, for my sister, for the extraordinary care I received in the hospital, for the hundreds of friends and family who called, texted, sent flowers, cards, prayers and filled our refrigerator at home with homemade food, and put flowers and cards in our house to cheer us up upon arrival, and for my immune system, which fought back from a very weak place.

Since then I’ve enjoyed emptying the dishwasher and folding the laundry in ways I never have before. Ken asked me if I had felt any anger at what had happened and the fact that we missed out on our vacation. I thought about it, and said, “No.” The anger I feel is for the fact that millions of people in this country and this world don’t have access to the care I did, don’t have loved ones to care for them, don’t have the means or the voice to defend themselves during their most vulnerable times.

As the health care argument plays out on national television, I have a recent personal experience to relate. Despite having excellent private insurance, and sufficient personal resources to access the best care, Ken and the nurse case manager at the hospital spent over six frustrating hours on the phone making arrangements for my post-hospital care. When the logistics had finally been worked out, the contracted healthcare provider became a prime example of waste in healthcare. They delivered an oxygen converter machine, six oxygen tanks and more tubing than I ever needed to our hotel in Boston, not to mention reams of paperwork that I simply threw away. I didn’t use even a third of the quantity they brought, but I’m certain they will bill my insurance for it at top rates. No wonder healthcare costs keep soaring.

In the hospital, which offered me top-of-the-line medical care, I was given an excessive number of toothbrushes, creams and bottles of Keri lotion, none of which I ordered, and no clear instructions on how to put a stop to that wasteful supply. Is reform needed? Yes, a resounding YES. And people who think otherwise are either burying their head in the sand, or are simply selfish and unconscious in their thought process. I don’t know what the right path is to reform, but I do know what all parties need to put into their decision-making: the consciousness of love, dignity towards every living being, respect for the frailties of others, and simple smarts that uses available technology to keep waste to a minimum, costs contained and better accountability. We also need computerized medical records that can be quickly accessed nationally, and a system that offers top tier and seamless care to ALL Americans, with minimal bureaucracy.

My experience was very humbling, and I hope to become a better person because of it. I don’t know how I will do that, but I’m going to start by practicing being more loving and more compassionate, more forgiving, more conscious of the suffering of others, more cautious in my thinking, and more tempered in my response to the little things in life that in the end matter very little.

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Vacation Repost: More Discrimination Of Gay America By The US Government

originally posted Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The Social Security Administration has reversed a decision to deny benefits to the children of a disabled gay father following a three year battle waged on behalf of the family by Lambda Legal.

“This is long awaited relief for Gary Day and his children, who just want to be respected as the family that they are,” said Lambda attorney Beth Littrell in a statement. “The Social Security Administration is supposed to provide families with help in a time of need regardless of a parent’s sexual orientation. After three long years and a federal lawsuit, the SSA has finally come through for these children.”

In February 2006, Day completed the applications for Child Insurance Benefits for his children. He provided birth certificates and court documents that acknowledge him as a legal parent of the children. The SSA acknowledged that they received the application and promised to provide a response in 45 days and yet more than a year passed and he received no response whatsoever.

Then Lambda Legal sent a letter on Day’s behalf and still the SSA still did not provide an initial determination of eligibility citing unspecified “legal questions and policy issues” involved with the application.

Gary Day did all the right things, all that he was asked. He provided the necessary documentation to establish a legitimate parent-child relationship and fulfilled all of the SSA’s prerequisites, yet his family was left without the social safety net that Day had paid into for decades and that all other families are provided on a regular basis.

In May 2008, over two years after his initial request, Lamda Legal and Gary Day had had enough. They filed suit against the SSA forcing the agency to act on Day’s application, urging them to recognize Day as a legal parent of the children. Finally, just last Friday, almost a year later, the SSA recognized the legal relationship between Day and his children without discrimination based on his sexual orientation or family status.

“As a parent, it is my job to provide for my children,” said Day. ” I am relieved to be able to fulfill my promise and also relieved that the SSA will provide the benefits my family needs, just as they do for other families.”

This was man who simply wanted to provide for his children, and was denied, at the most, or ignored, at the least, in trying to do so. It's another form of discrimination that gay Americans face every day, that straight Americans take for granted.

It was a good day, then, for Gary Day, and gay America.

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Vacation Repost: Ending The Silence

originally posted Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I think one of the greatest causalities of being gay are those men and women, so afraid of accepting who they are, so fearful of what their friends and families might say, so ashamed at being gay because of the religious upbringing, that they shove themselves to a deep dark corner of the closet and stay there. And then they get married to prove to themselves and the world that they are "normal."

But what of the unsuspecting spouses who marry these deeply closeted gay men and women. What must they go through in dealing with a spouse whose secret is revealed? How must they feel about love, what it is and what it means, if the one person you chose to love "until death us do part" tells you that he or she is gay?

If anyone could have talked himself out of being gay, Kimberly Brooks said, it was her husband. 

He wanted to be straight; she wanted him to be straight. She once followed his gaze across the beach to another man but quickly dismissed the thought. No, he couldn't be. Then he started spending more time with one particular friend, and an unease pushed Brooks to ask the question that ultimately confirmed her fears: Was that friend gay?

"He said, 'I don't know.' And in that moment, I knew," said Brooks, who is a therapist in Falls Church. "That day, the marriage was over."

Many of these former spouses are speaking out now, in favor of marriage equality, after living lives married to closeted men and women. They understand, first-hand, loving someone who isn't true to themselves, and, as men and women who endured these "marriages of convenience" they are now showing their support because, as they will tell you, marriage equality will not only help the LGBT community, but also heterosexuals. If homosexuality was more accepted, they say, they might have been spared doomed marriages followed by years of self-doubt.

Carolyn Sega Lowengart calls it "retroactive humiliation." It's that embarrassment that washes over her when she looks back at photographs or is struck by a memory and wonders what, if anything, from that time was real. Did he ever love her?

"I'm 61 years old," said Lowengart, who lives in Chevy Chase. "Will I ever know what it's like to be loved passionately? Probably not."

She gave her husband 31 years, just a little less than she gave the State Department. Because of her job, she bought a home computer, and on that computer she got the first hints that her husband was gay. Once, she said, she glimpsed gay pornography on the screen; another time, she found a printout of an e-mail about a rendezvous.

In 2002, she said, she asked her husband for the truth. He told her. They separated that year.

"I said, 'When did you know?' " Lowengart recalled. "He said, 'When I was a teenager.' I said, 'Why did you marry me?' He said, 'Because I didn't want to be.' "

Such shame many gay men and women feel for being who they are, and how can we expect them to feel any different? Sure, a lot of us are open and out there, because we struggled with that decision and made the conscious choice of coming out. But what about those who feel such fear and shame at simply being themselves that they can never tell anyone; that they marry and live a life of lies and deceit because they cannot love the person they believe they should?

He was her first love and promised to be her last, Joy Parker said. They had met in high school but had lost touch for decades, until she received a message from him through Classmates.com. It came a day after she'd been looking nostalgically at prom photos of the two of them.

"It was like we were meant to be together," Parker said. In 2004, at 43, she traveled across the country, from California to Virginia, to move in with him. By the end of that year, they were married. "He seemed like the perfect husband, buying flowers, gifts."

Then, as she tells it, came the night she decided to check her husband's voice mail. "There were two messages from a guy calling him 'Baby' and telling him how good he looked," Parker said. She says she woke him up to confront him.

"His eyes got huge, and he said, 'You're going to try to destroy me.' I said: "Destroy you? What about me?' "

Now, these men and women are sharing their stories, and making us all aware of how and why things need to change. imagine growing up in a world as a young gay man or woman and knowing you could marry the person of your choice; knowing you could live anywhere,m work anywhere, be anything, without fear of recrimination. Imagine knowing that if your spouse was hospitalized you wouldn't need a briefcase of documents just to visit him or her in the hospital, that you would be updated on the condition of your loved one, that you could simply visit them in their room. Imagine a world where you don't need lawyers and living wills just to make sure your wishes are carried out upon your death. Imagine a world where the government benefits, the rights and privileges guaranteed every American are given to every American; that no one feels left behind, or less than.

Imagine that.

Now, imagine growing up knowing that none of that is true everywhere in the United Sates. Imagine growing up knowing that you will be taunted and picked on and, perhaps, battered, for being who you are. Imagine a church leader telling you that you will go to Hell for being yourself. Imagine getting fired because someone talked; imagine getting evicted because of neighborhood gossip over who came to your house late last night. That's how, and why, many gay men and women, lie to themselves, and find themselves married to the wrong gender. They cannot imagine any other life.

Now imagine you are the unsuspecting spouse of that closeted man or woman. You meet, and fall in love, and choose to spend your life together. But then there are signals and signs that maybe your husband or wife isn't exactly what you thought. And there is a confrontation and an accusation and an admission. What would you do? Hold on to that anger? Feel betrayed or tricked? Or would you feel compassion for the spouse that saw no other option than to live a lie? and then, would you speak out for marriage equality? Would you realize that, had society been more open and understanding of what it is to be gay, what it means to be gay, that perhaps this might never have happened to you?

They are the silent victims of homophobia and discrimination and self-loathing, but many of them are speaking up, and many of them are on our side ion the fight for equality.

Imagine that.

The story is HERE

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Vacation Repost: The Boy Scouts Kicked Greg Bourke Out .... The Girl Scouts Celebrate Him

originally posted Wednesday, September 19, 2012

I am just about as disgusted with the boy Scouts of America as I am with the Catholic Church. Both groups seem to have this notion that being gay is bad, yet being a pedophile warrants special treatment and dispensation.

The latest story of the BSA is that they have kicked out a local Scout leader, Greg Bourke, because he's :::gasp::: gay--funny, had Greg been a pedophile,m he would have had no problems, I guess. 

Bourke, who has raised two children involved in scouting with his partner of 30 years,has started a petition at Change.org after the Lincoln Heritage Council learned he is gay and removed him from of his role in the organization.

In a statement about the campaign, Greg said, "For the past five years, I've dedicated my time and energy to the Boy Scouts of America and to my community -- and I've loved every minute of it. In return, the Boy Scouts of America has decided to fire me for being honest about who I am and for loving my partner of 30 years. I launched my petition with the hope of turning this hurtful situation into something positive… If enough of us speak out, I know the Lincoln Heritage Council will join the growing list of councils that have decided to reject the Boy Scouts' discriminatory policy."

And, here's a little bit of irony. In addition to, at one time anyway, being a Scout leader for his sons, Greg Bourke is also a leader in his daughter's Girl Scout Troop. And when the Girl Scouts of America found out that Greg Bourke is gay, they said, "Meh."

Well, maybe that's what i think they said, but what they really said is that Greg's sexual orientation makes no difference to the GSA or to his standing with his daughter's troop. In fact, Girl Scout leaders at Our Lady of Lourdes condemned Bourke’s ouster from the Boy Scouts, and co-leader Kim Haydon wrote to the BSA last month, saying that to “discount all that [Greg Bourke] has done for our youth only because he is gay is absurd. Shame on you and your small mindedness.”

Suh-nap.

Too bad the BSA can't be as strong-minded, and open-minded, and welcoming as the GSA.

To sign Greg Bourke's petition asking to be reinstated, head on over to Change.org.

via GLAAD

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