PR 12 Ep 9: The Great Project Runway Do-Over

Do the PR producers really think they can pull the wool over the designer’s eyes? I mean, the obstacle course getaway was to jumpstart an activewear challenge, and the glamping vacation was for an outdoorsy look, but the producers seem to think that if they send the designtestants off to Juliette Restaurant for a Southern brunch they won’t realize its part of the challenge? Think again PR.

As they’re enjoying their brunch the designers are tossing out ideas for this week’s challenge:

"Do you think we're designing for a garden party?"

"It’s a Mad Hatter's tea party."

"Socialite women."

"Maybe [the clients are] our servers."

Then out of the blue, Tim appears and tells them that this is the Belk challenge, meaning they’ll be designing a day or evening look for the, ahem, “modern Southern woman” which means no Scarlett O’Hara and no Aunt Jemima and definitely no Paula Deen. They have thirty minutes to sketch — Look! They brought their HP Sketch-a-Doodles with them! — a suggested budget of between $200 and $250, and one day to finish the look.

Immediately Dom and Ken — who calls this a game and says it’s time to bring out the knives and not, sadly, the great design — say they have this in the bag, and we all know what that means. Alexander, Alexandria, and Helen are like “What does a Southern woman wear? Overalls like Sally Field in Places In The Heart? “Steel Magnolias,” as Alexander says, to which Ken replies, ‘Do that and you’ll 'steel' be in the bottom with your magnolias!’ I gave Ken a 9.7 for that one, though the anti-gay Russian judge gave him a 2.1.

"Tim said to design for the modern Southern woman, not 'Little House on the Prairie,'" Ken says while Bradon, Alexander and Alexandria run toward the Plaid Section at Mood, and Dom agrees with him: "The women in my family? They're not going to throw some polyester plaid dress on. These aren't farm boys. They're people who live in cities." Yeah, we all know what’s gonna happen to Dom and Ken, but the only thing we don’t know yet is who will suffer The Wrath of Khan Ken.

Back at the Parsons' workroom, Tim Gunn introduces John Thomas, Executive VP of Private Brands for Belk, who tells the designtestants that an extra bonus this week is that the winning design will be manufactured and sold at Belk and Belk.com. Still, let’s rip…..

THE SAFES

ALEXANDRIA

She.Was.Lost. It seemed like she made a dress, tossed it aside, made another dress, tossed it aside, listened to Tim, tossed everything aside and ended up with this stiff, see-thru-to-the-=black-granny-panties stiff tablecloth dress. Safe? M’kay.

HELEN

She wascompletely out of her element and it showed in this sunflower, lace appliqué, yellow number which looked less modern Southern woman and more Goldie Hawn at the 1971 Emmys®.

JUSTIN

This I liked and thought it should have gone Top Three — and partially because it wasn’t plaid. It was sexy and flirty and that model knew how to walk that dress.

THE TOP THREE

KATE

She’ll go somewhere she has never gone before — and does she say that every week, or is it my imagination? — by using some fuchsia, white and orange print. I kind of liked the print because, well, it wasn’t plaid, but the bubble skirt was odd.

Guest Judge, and George Clooney cast-ff, Stacy Keibler, says it was a fun use of color and quite sellable. Nina loved the print, saying it was the best of the bunch, and had great hanger appeal — which, apparently, is a good thing. Heidi, though, said the bubble skirt made the model look pregnant and she wasn’t having it. The Adorable Zac Posen™ called it a ‘happy dress’ while the other guest judge, John Thomas, the Executive VP of Private Brands for Belk, called it well-executed and sellable.

UP CLOSE

John Thomas loved the print and the color, and called it sellable, while Heidi said it was unflattering — no boobies, dontcha know. Nina said it was the right fabric and The Adorable Zac Posen™ says a lot of girls would wear it.

Kate is safe.

ALEXANDER

He designs for the 80s woman — at least I thought I heard him say that — so this is not gonna happen for him, he thinks. Then he goes plaid because plaid says Southern, I’m guessing, though it says more tablecloth at the BBQ Wing Shack to me.

I hated that handkerchief hemline; for the record, I have always hated a handkerchief hemline because they look sloppy, like the designer really didn’t have time to hem it so they just tacked on fabric squares and called it a look.

A look that apparently means Top Three so who am I to judge — though that’s never stopped me. The Adorable Zac Posen™   said it was beautifully well-made, while Heidi dubbed it sexy and sophisticated [?] and fun. John Thomas called the print beautiful and said the silhouette was good, too. He, Nina and Stacy also commented on the way the handkerchief dress moved, while Nina also said the bodice was good—see, even Nina wasn’t thrilled with handkerchief hems. Stacy Keibler also liked the balance of the tight top and big bottom.

Sidenote: I complained yesterday about the AFA saying The Gays talk about their sex lives too much but when Keibler said that, all I could think was, “The Gays would prefer a Big Top and a Tight Bottom.” Sorry. Let’s continue …

UP CLOSE

Heidi again called it sexy and noted that it was well-made, while The Adorable Zac Posen™ called it cool and fresh, and John Thomas said it was a modern take on an old dress.

And safe, too.

BRADON

He also went plaid, though he took his plaid in a whole new direction, and created something modern and fun. After a couple of weeks of misfires, Bradon seems to have redeemed himself by following the challenge but maintaining his POV.

Heidi loved the long and short of it — and doesn’t mullet just scream The South? — and called it modern and sexy. Ken grimaces at this point. The Adorable Zac Posen™ said that madras and plaid can be dangerous to work with but Bradon created something new and fresh. Ken rolled his eyes. Nina said the fabric was very expected — Folks, I live in the South and I don’t expect a lot of plaid … just sayin’ — but  that Bradon made something very unexpected. Ken sharpened his knives. Stacy Keibler said it made her happy, as if Clooney had never dumped her, while John Thomas called it a modern version of Country Club. Ken shakes his head.

UP CLOSE

Nina called it versatile with a cool fabric, while The Adorable Zac Posen™ noted that it was very well-made. John Thomas said Belk could sell it, and it would work in any number of fabrics.

So, Bradon gets the win, and his dress gets sold at Belk and he won’t make a dime off of it. But, he’s back, and that makes me happy.

THE BOTTOM THREE

DOM

She has this, y’all; her mother lives in New Orleans so she had this one. I don’t get the connection, but, hey, she said it. Then she biffed it. Dom has been using prints all season but for some reason she decides this is the challenge to go minimal and print-less. As Julia Roberts, the hooker with a heart of gold said in Pretty Woman, “Big mistake. Huge. Huge.”

Her dress is simple and boring, and boring and simple. She called it an evening gown, but maybe just for an evening in a hospital waiting room.

John Thomas said he loved the coastal vibe of the colors, but questioned the evening-ness of the dress. Heidi took it down further and called it a mall dress — which I’m guessing is bad, unless you’re 95% of the women in this country who probably go to a mall to buy a dress. She said it was decidedly not fashion forward and Stacy Keibler said Dom played it too safe and scaled back too far. 

Nina hated the color of the top — “Hospital scrubs! HOSPITAL SCRUBS — and threw her shoe at Dom. [That was in the unedited version that plays in my head.] The Adorable Posen™ said it had no oomph and Dom said she has oomph and The Adorable Zac Posen™ said Bring it!

UP CLOSE

Nina says Dom choked — which I think means Nina wants to choke her. The Adorable Zac Posen™ said there is no imagination in the dress and Nina then called it the most unforgivable curse word in fashion: “Pageant.”

Stay tuned.

KEN

He has this one in the bag because he sees the modern Southern woman every day — and possibly curses at her and tells her to shut the f**k up. But, those of us in the PR World know that ‘having this one’ means you don’t. And add to that the Skype visit Ken got with his Mama and it doesn’t bode well.

One telling point, though, was when Ken’s mother asked him, “Has that other side came out yet?” Makes me think Mama Laurence has been the victim of a Ken rage a time or two.

Then Ken, not wanting to go plaid because it isn’t Southern, goes in the opposite direction by creating a purple bridesmaid nightgown. Or something.

The Adorable Zac Posen™ said it was a great color, but the dress is no Wow! He said it was a beautifully cut purple nightgown.  Heidi asked where the dress would be going and Ken said a ‘formal wedding.’ Heidi said, “Wedding?” And Ken said, “FORMAL wedding.” Ken got the pissy eye. Heidi said it was unflattering. Ken glared at her. Heidi glared right back. “Are you giving me a look, Ken?” He stares back at her. She smiles and stares back at him. Ken flinches and looks away.

Heidi wins the PR Stare Off.

Nina called the design safe, and The Adorable Posen™ said if Ken ever wanted to be the Prince[ss] of Seventh Avenue he needs to stop being safe. Keibler said it wasn’t exciting and John Thomas said he’d seen it before; I have a sneaking suspicion that John Thomas may have worn it before, but I digress.

Heidi asked Ken how he was feeling and he said, in that pissy voice, “It’s not important right now.”

Heidi says, “You look like you want to roll your eyes back into your head.

Ken breathes and stays silent. And God said, “It was good.”

UP CLOSE

John Thomas calls it pedestrian which may mean he wants to walk all over it, while Keibler said it was unflattering. The Adorable Zac Posen™ dubbed the heavy fabric Sweaty Betty while Nina said it just blends in.

Stay tuned ….

JEREMY

Gosh, I adore Jeremy. I am a sucker for a man with an accent and, well, a cute gay man with an accent is a bonus.

But, damn — or, as Carlos says it, “Damn man!” — Jeremy designs for older woman — which is not necessarily a bad thing but it doesn’t get you to The Tents. And this week’s Air Georgia, or whatever, looking mess was just wrong. He says he tried something new with the jacket but then the jacket looked old. He tried a cool bold print but then kept it too long. Not modern. Not sexy.

Heidi called it dated and “madam,’ but The Adorable Zac Posen™ disagreed and said calling it “madam’ would be a positive thing. Heidi hated the silhouette and said even without the jacket it wasn’t sexy. The Adorable Posen™ called it a casino jacket; I don’t know if that means a woman who works in a casino would wear it, or if there is some kind of Jacket Slot Machine where you'd win it as a punishment. He also said it looked like the first dress you make when you learn to sew. Ow.

Keibler liked the color … and not much else. Nina disagreed with The Adorable Zac Posen™ and said she liked the jacket but that the print killed it.

UP CLOSE

The Adorable Zac Posen™ said, "It looks like a college fashion show in a non-metropolitan city." I took umbrage there because I think a lot of great designers come from non-metro areas, The Not So Adorable At This Point Zac Posen™ was born in NYC and grew up in SoHo so he’s kind of a Big Apple Snob. John Thomas hates the print, and The Adorable Zac Posen™ calls it a uniform for Air Klum. Nina, though, kept it simple: “This is the Titanic.

Stay tuned ….

THE BOTTOM THREE, TAKE TWO

There is no Aufee, but that doesn’t mean they are safe. No, in a {start echo machine] Project-ject-ject Runway-way-way First-irst-irst. The Bottom Three get one more hour, and a fellow designtestant assistant, to recreate their looks. I think this was done for two reasons: they didn’t want to lose Dom because she’s really pretty good, and they didn’t want to lose Ken because he’s really bad … tempered. Jeremy, I’m afraid, well, he’s good and bad, and so sweet, but …. Let’s rip:

DOM 

Dom went back to her print and created a sexy and flowy asymmetrical dress that Heidi loved; she called this one very modern. 

The Adorable Zac Posen™ says “Brava!” and tells Dom she would have gone Top Three if this had walked the first time. Nina loved the print and called it edgy and easy, while Keibler wants it. John Thomas called it a great coming and going dress and Heidi asked if it was a Belk dress.

It was, and Dom gets the Win, moving from Bottom Three to Top Two and her dress will also be sold at Belk. It was kind of a slam to Bradon, but, since I like Dom I’ll let it slide.

KEN 

He chooses Kate to assist him and, because the judges are wrong, he doesn’t want to change his look. But Kate makes him see that he is an egomaniacal diva bitch — in a nice way — and they re-worked — and kind of over-worked — Ken’s flowy nightgown into a stiff ultra-short mini.

Nina called the transformation impressive, sexier and cooler, while Keibler said it was young and modern. John Thomas agreed, while Heidi liked but said it was too short and the top was over-worked. The Adorable Zac Posen™ agreed about the length, calling it a late night party dress, but said it was a vast improvement.

Ken lives to bitch another day.

JEREMY 

He scraps all of his fabrics and takes some of Alexandria’s scraps to make a very simple — and very similar dress to his one win — look. It’s nice, it’s definitely better and younger, but is it enough?

Heidi said it was amazing what he’d done in an hour, while The Adorable Zac Posen™ called it pretty, but not the most interesting thing he’s seen. Nina liked the fabric and print, Stacy said it was definitely younger, and John Thomas said it was good.

So-so praise and so-so Auf’d.

MY TAKE

Okay, Shallow Bob here, but I must have rewound and replayed the shot of Bradon running through Mood a hundred times. I know he’s a trained dancer, but still … that man’s ass was real and it was spectacular.

I’m glad Dom saw redemption, and sad that Ken got it, too. I wish Justin would get a Top Three because he can create great looks when he reigns himself in.

It’s quite clear that Kate is at The Tents, and now Bradon, too. That leaves Alexandria—who is falling fast — and Alexander — who might do well at The Tents I f they were on Broadway. Ken at The Tents? Maybe for the meltdown pre-show.

Next week, Ken goes Sandro again, this time at Alexander. I knew that hair color was going to set someone off.

Shallow Bob again. Goodbye Jeremy :::sniff sniff::::

What did YOU think?

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PR 12 Ep 8: Performance Wear That Underperforms

Imagine being awakened by Tim Gunn as a referee blowing your … whistle?

Yeah, that’s how this episode started, and then the designtestants trekked over to the Asphalt Green to meet up with Tim and Heidi and have a little athletic competition. Like Ken, and the other Gays, I was not feeling this one; the glamping was one thing, but an obstacle course with no cock-a-tails at the end? What’s the purpose?

But I digress …. The designers must complete obstacle course — in teams of two though this is thankfully not a team challenge — in a three-legged race, a tire run, a wheelbarrow race, and a flag grab.

Then the challenge: Make Heidi Some Dough, er, design an activewear look for Heidi Klum's — HK NB — New Balance line. The pair that wins the obstacle course will choose their fabric first and, far more importantly in this one day challenge, get an extra hour in the workroom.

Cutting to the chase, because I kinda glanced away during the competition, but Dom and Justin win, while Bradon and Helen forget to wheelbarrow and Jeremy and Alexander can’t find the flag. Then the designers are given $50 on their Go Bank Cards to buy fabric from Heidi’s line, and then the time to sketch and then to the workroom.

Let’s rip …..

THE SAFES

BRADON

I liked it but it was just another workout outfit. Nothing really special.

DOM

Not bad, but that hat? How come Ken didn’t go off that hat; it deserved it.

JEREMY

He wasn’t into the challenge as evidenced by his diss of the awful purple fabric.

JUSTIN

I liked his look, especially because he’s the only one who did shorts, a top, and a jacket.

BOTTOM THREE

ALEXANDRIA 

For some reason she decides to do the exact same dropped crotch, saggy bottomed pants she did after the glamping challenge, I guess because she won that week. Does she not know that she’ll get called out for a repeat, especially a repeat of a pant most people — save Heidi apparently — loathe? 

It looked droopy; it looked like a sweater tied around the models waist and then turned backwards. Odd, and hardly athletic.

The Adorable Zac Posen™ wanted to know how someone worked out in those pants — so Alexandria ordered her model to squat — and then he called her out on the Droopy Drawer Repeat. They aren’t fresh or new, and the ripped/slashed/whatever muscle T looked like it got “caught in the elliptical machine.”

Nine, after a snide little giggle, said, “Alexandria. Those pants are absolutely impossible to ride a bike, to run or do yoga.” And then throw in the bad looks-like-she-had-an-accident pants and the bear-claw T, and it’s just a mess.

Michael Kors said it’s the perfect look to wear to the gym if you want guys to leave you alone; he said the pants were unmovable and, well, filled with poop. And to that the low-slung, oddly placed, Pleasure Pockets, and the whole thing was a d-i-saster.

Heidi, though, to her credit, did like them, and did tell the judges she told Alexandria she liked them. Odd poopy pants.

UP CLOSE

The Adorable Zac Posen™ did not want to touch the look, while Michael Kors could only murmur, “Oh my goodness” and then ordered the model not to put her hands in the offensive pockets. Heidi still liked them, but then Nina pointed out that the vent in the back — the one Alexandria said she placed there to cool one down during the workout — actually wasn’t a vent at all.

Still, she was safe.

KEN AKA Sandro Part Two

Ken doesn’t camp or workout or play n ice or know how to control his emotions. He also doesn’t know how to design activewear but we’ll get to that in a minute.

Once the designtestants returned from their exercise — to find pieces from Heidi’s ‘collection’ on their mannequins to use for inspiration — Helen asked Tim is she could deconstruct the pants to use as a pattern; he called it a smart choice. Back inside, Ken asked Helen what she asked Tim and she won’t tell:

Ken: That’s shady.

Helen: Oh please, if you’re gonna be a child about it … you can reference the items on your—

Ken: Don’t go there now, don’t go there …

Helen: Relax, you’ve been so—

Ken: Don’t fucking go there today.

Helen: Don’t curse at me.

Ken: I said, don’t fucking go there.

Helen: Okay. Chill out. What? Sandro part two?

Ken: No, it’s Ken motherfucking Laurence, do you wanna see the paper?

Helen: Relax.

Ken: Shut.The.Fuck.Up.

Helen: You need to relax. It’s really disrespectful—

Ken: I don’t give a fuck. Shut.Up.

Helen: Dude, you’re crazy.

Ken: No, you’re gonna be crazy if I come the fuck over there, so shut up.

Helen: Cool. You’re gonna threaten me?

Ken: Ignorant ass bitch.

Helen: Fuck off, you’re ignorant.

Ken: I said, Shut.The.FUCK.Up.

Then he calls his church to speak to his second mama to whine about how hard it is and how bad it is, but fails to mention to his Church Mama the horrible things he said to a woman who was keeping something a secret. That’s Ken.

Of course, Church Mama settled him down and he came back to the workroom and apologized to Helen, but he’s got all kinds of issues he needs to work out. Like in his look—nice segue—which was, well, boring. Tights and a tank. Yay. Yawn.

Heidi said she didn’t ‘mind it—high praise indeed—but there was no fashion to it, even though Ken added several strap to the back. It was too safe and too boring. The Adorable Zac Posen™ wished ken had taken the strap idea and incorporated somewhere in the rest of the garment because there was no fashion. Nina called the proportions awkward, and said it looked like scuba gear—something Heidi mentioned in the workroom—or a girdle. Kors said it was borderline Tina Turner, with the skirt that rides up, and that it would be found on a sale rack in some bargain basement somewhere.

UP CLOSE

Heidi again liked the straps, but Kors mentioned that it looked like the girl was wearing seven bras—never a good look. Up close, The Adorable Zac Posen™ said the straps looked worse, while Nina called it terrible, not fashion, just a top and leggings.

But that is enough to be safe.

KAREN

First off, her voice and weird facial expressions—not to mention that hair color with the turning back to brown roots—make her seem more like a Comedy Central character than a designer; it’s like an Ana Gasteyer sketch character from SNL. And that’s the most interesting thing about her because her clothes are never good.

She set out to make a sports bra and running pants look, but Heidi crushed that in the workroom, so she went all pajamas, I guess, because that was the vibe I got.

Michael Kors said the only activity a woman in that look would do, would be heading to the buffet on a cruise ship. It wasn’t athletic, it didn’t show off the body … its sleepy-time cruise wear. Nina said it was a sad look on a sad looking model — who, in the Up Close section, through Karen under the bus by saying she hated the look — and bad pants that aren’t at all interesting. The Adorable Zac Posen™ called it “slouchy pants, sloppy sewing, neon nothing.” He really does put that Thesaurus to use, no? Heidi wished that it had been a loose top, on a tight bottom, or a tight top on a loose bottom and all this talk of tops and bottoms had me thinking of gay porn.

UP CLOSE

Heidi said it was worse up close, and The Adorable Zac Posen™ agreed. Kors said there was no expertise in the sewing and the crotch was bad; he then added, somewhat harshly I thought, that it looked like a 'fat chick getting a cookie.’ Nina said there was nothing sexy or dynamic and The Adorable Zac Posen™ said it was a look for women who pretended to go to the gym.

All that adds up to Auf’d.

TOP THREE

ALEXANDER

A costume designer, we learned that his idea of exercise has something to do with drinking — I think I like him more now — and that he’s never done any kind of sportswear, knitwear, athletic wear, until he becomes costume designer for Jack LaLanne, The Musical!!!

I found his look kind of interchangeable with many others: a pair of tight leggings with a jacket on top, in grays and blacks. I’m not impressed; not just by him, but by all the designers and the challenge itself.

Heidi liked the look, and the color-blocked pants, though Nina said the color-blocking made the model look wide, and the high-waisted pants make her butt look long. Heidi also liked the asymmetry of the top and called it hip and cool. The Adorable Zac Posen™ said it looked professionally made — not so high praise considering a designer made it and not a baker. Nina said, “You didn’t get high points from me” — and Alexander said, “I know” — and even Nina had to laugh, though she did say she liked the jacket. Kors also loved the jacket but said it looked like something on a sale rack, though, he said, “It’s in the store, you just have to get it in the bag and paid for.”

UP CLOSE

Kors again loved the asymmetry and the fact that the pants were draped and had no side seam, while The Adorable Zac Posen™ pointed out that some of the seams and color-blocking on the jacket didn’t quite match up. Heidi did like, but agreed that it shouldn’t really be Top Three but part of a Bottom Four.

Safe, but Bottom Four.

KATE

I’m getting the vibe that this season is being geared toward a Kate win because she keeps getting the Love Edit. There are loving camera angles, and lots of close-ups of Kate smiling; I half expect to see a slow-mo of ate and Heidi running toward one another in a field of daisies.

I found her look a little sweatshirt and tights, though it did have some interest.

Heidi liked the color choices and the use of the different fabrics from her collection. There was an odd zipper in the back of the pullover top that she found odd, but both Kors and Garcia liked that, when zipped close, it created a different silhouette.

Nina also called it fashion and function, while The Adorable Zac Posen™ apparently got the memo that Kate should win because he created a little poem, “Kate. You’re great” that was slightly uncomfortable to hear. He called her look polished and functional, while Kors added that it’s also very commercial.

UP CLOSE

Heidi noted how well-made it was — and it was, I’ll give Kate some credit. Kors said it was ambitiously designed and ambitiously crafted, while Nina was glad that Kate thought a great deal about design and function. The Adorable Zac Posen™ said it had the most fabric usage and the most fabrication.

Kate — while not great in my mind — is safe.

HELEN

Helen has immunity but wants to prove she can be a contender so she sets out to win this. Nut, at the Heidi Tim critique all she shows is a t-shirt and tights. Heidi warns her to create a Wow piece, and tells Helen to focus on the jacket she sketched, and thank Dior Helen listened.

I guess, because I found her look a little Witchy Poo at Curves.

But, as happens, I was wrong. Nina said that a jacket that covers the ass and thighs was, well, “I love.” And then she said she’d buy it. It had good proportions, was athletic and fashionable. Kors called it a hybrid of Stevie Nicks at the gym, and said it would work on all ages, while The Adorable Zac Posen™  called it versatile and little Elvira, which he liked he did say that the t-shirt was a throwaway, but he liked the look, and so did Heidi.

UP CLOSE

The Adorable Zac Posen™ said it was cool and fabulous, smart and chic, while Kors again commended the jacket, even though he hated the shirt — he called it a ‘woof’. Nina said it had a lightness and was fabulous, and once again said she would buy it. So, I guess if Nina wants to actually pay for it, then it’s a winner. Sadly, though, there are no more immunity wins after last week so Helen is not safe next week.

MY TAKE

I was bored. Except for Ken’s meltdown this episode was a snooze. Activewear? And another challenge for people to line the already gold coin filled pockets o Heidi Klum without making  a penny themselves—you know Helen doesn’t get one red cent for her design being sold as part of Heidi’s collection, right?

Bradon, once a top contender, has settled too comfortable in the middle and that has me worried; the same goes for Dom.

It’s apparent now that Kate will go to The Tents, and possibly Helen, too, if she doesn’t make another disastrous mistake thinking she’s all that.

Ken should be kept around for the drama and possible arrest for threatening a fellow designer, while Jeremy is slowly becoming the new “Who?” on the show.

Justin? I still find him adorable, especially that cute little chest bump he gave to Dom when they won the obstacle course, but he also needs to step it up, but not go over the top like he did before, if he wants a real show.

What did YOU think?

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PR 12 Ep 7 [with a bit of Ep 6]: Shoe Me The Way To Go Home

Since I missed last week due to vacation, I’ll offer this brief recap:

THE REST: Alexander’s was well-made but dull, and I hated the tacked on leather piece. Bradon’s looked like a last-minute staple job, while Dom’s was slinky sexy. Helen picks the worst fabrics ever and then makes something ugly of them, but Jeremy’s poetry dress was beautiful. Karen’s dress … more in a minute, but Kate’s looked like a Dominatrix Hard Boiled Egg Mess. Ken’s dress was inspired by water but why then was it green and red and black? Miranda’s dress was Carmen Miranda.

THE BEST: Alexandria deserved the win, not just because her look was cool and edgy and Glamping-inspires, but because of the look on Ken’s face when she won.

THE WORST: Karen should have gone home for that urine-soaked, tent-shaped, slapped on with a belt muumuu she made and then Tim wouldn’t have had to use his Tim Gun Rescue© on Justin, who at least tried something new.

All caught up? Good, let’s talk shoes.

The designtestants head off to the Hearst Building to find Tim Gunn and Marie Claire's new Editor-in-Chief Anne Fulenwider — who replaced my beloved Brit Joanna Coles — and they announced that this week's challenge was to choose a pair of shoes from the Marie Claire closet and create a look inspired by those shoes.

I was certain the dreaded Velvet Bag© would make an appearance, but the PR decided to go the game-show quiz route, with the designtestants answering questions in order to pick their shoes. Alexandria, who won last week, was immune from the quiz and she picked some hideous Gladiator, knee-padded, thigh-high sandals. Girl is daring, I’ll give her that.

Ken, that horrid little man bitch, whined that since he was self-taught he was at a disadvantage to answer the questions but then he got the first one right. Didn’t hurt that the question was Who does America dislike most this season on the PR? and he said ME!! Then he picks the ankle length version of the shoe Alexandria picked.

Jeremy gets a question about Christian Dior right and gets Julia Roberts Pretty Woman hooker boots, while Karen gets a Parsons question correct and goes for a shoe that is the same color as her blouse. Helen, tattooed Helen, answers a question about Jessica Simpson and picks studded ankle boots, while Kate picks some Dr Seuss looking shoes in orange and yellow.

Bradon guesses right and picks a sleek gold ballet slipper, while Dom picks some neon colored Creepers, emphasis on creep. Justin picks some wildly patterned CFM heels while Alexander gets a simple beige wedge with a red stripe up the back. We listen to Miranda complain about the questions, because no one asks about wallpaper and artillery, her two fave topics but she gets a pair of red patent leather loafers.

And we’re off; to Mood, with a suggested $250 budget and a Plaid War. Both Miranda and Alexander choose red plaid, though his is more subdued — as subdued as a plaid can be — while Miranda’s screams Holiday Card.

So, let’s rip ….

THE SAFES

ALEXANDER decided to make a red Tartan plaid pant and I was worried it would come off clownish, but his top was cool and edgy, and the darkness of the plaid toned the whole thing down.

DOM and her Creepers. She went all urban-street—something she says she doesn’t do but has done more than once this season—and created a color-blocked quilted dress that might have been cute and urban had it not been so matronly in the length.

JUSTIN redeemed himself from last week’s glue-gunned lace misfire, with an all-black hot bitch number that played up the wild hooker heels.

KAREN went all matchy-matchy, pairing the lime green and beige shoe with a beige jacket—that was so ill-fitting it made her size zero model look fat—and a lime green side-boobed halter top. It was a Meh all the way around.

KATE took Seussical shoes and paired them with pants with each leg slit to the thigh and a too-tight white top. It was neither here nor there for me. It’s just Kate; the only thing good about it — in a wacky way — were the shoes.

THE BOTTOM THREE

JEREMY 

He's like a dog with a bone. He gets an idea in his head and just won’t let go. He wanted to take his thigh-high rocker boots and make a mock Cable-knit sweater using chiffon to create the pattern. And then he paired it with a black tube miniskirt and a gold lame camisole.

I know! Even his accent couldn’t save this look.

Heidi dubbed it Pretty Woman but not pretty at all; it wasn’t modern or current. The Adorable Zac Posen™ said it verged on trampy and questioned Jeremy’s technical skills—though last week he raved about them … go figure.

Guest Judge Kaley Cuoco — a sitcom actress, so she knows fashion, amirite?—said the outfit didn’t match the boots and that there was a lot going on, i.e. chiffon, velvet, gold lame. Nina wondered why he paired rocker boots with a faux sweater because the look is neither rocker or edgy.

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Nina said he wasn’t able to design around the shoe and said he was floundering; Heidi mentioned that he’s won, been on the top and been on the bottom and been safe, so he’s all over the place. Guest Judge — and so not Joanna Coles — Anne Fulenwider wondered why he wasted so much time on that sweater.

But he’s safe.

BRADON

This week he got the phone call home, and the 'I miss you cry', which usually means Sayonara sucker, so we know right away he’ll go Bottom Three.

He decides to use another one of his techniques — remember the faggoting? —bouillonné, which means boiling water, or so he says. What it means is that he puckered up the fabric into a knee-length dress to show off his glittery ballet flats. I thought the flats needed a pant because they didn’t seem dressy enough for a boiled dress.

Luckily Tim reined in the dress idea, and Bradon turned it into a top and, I hoped, a pair of wide legged trousers. But no, for some reason Bradon was hooked on the dress and made a simple circle skirt. The look was 1950s meets France meets the dumpster.

Heidi said it was swing dance and Happy Days and old school; she said a suit would have been better and I shouted Yes! Yes! YESSSSSSSSSS! Then I calmed down.  Nina Garcia, who never met a flat she didn’t want to flatten, suggested he should have made a simple brocade T-shirt dress, or an A-line dress and let the embellished shoe be the star. She called his top tortured and overworked. The Adorable Zac Posen™ called it “frumpy dumpy” in both silhouette and fabric; he admitted that the top was well-executed but not flattering, and the whole look needed to be modernized.

Anne simply said it was her least favorite look on the runway, and dubbed the top “grandma’s pillows” — and I agreed because my Grandma had pillows like that!—while Kaley said it was a bad bridesmaid’s dress.

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Heidi, The Adorable Zac Posen™, and Anne Fulenwider each called it “terrible” while Kaley said it was too much and Nina again demanded a T-shirt dress.

Bradon, who I love but can admit made the most awful outfit, is safe — possibly because of what he’s done in previous weeks.

MIRANDA

She also chose a red Tartan as well because she thought they would pair well with red shoes. I kept thinking, If the shoes are the star, why do something in red? Why not a little bit of red and some other color to make the shoes stand out? But, alas, Miranda couldn’t hear me through the TV.

And had she been able to hear me, she might have heard me shout about the top and jacket she was making that she’s already made once before; the same top and jacket that landed her in the bottom one other time. I will give her credit, though, because the pants were well-made — the plaid lined up at the seams — but that polka dot top and white leather mini coat were tragic.

Heidi doesn’t like it, and doesn’t like that Miranda called it Rocker Girl. [Note to designers: just because you slap an Amy Winehouse Beehive on a model doesn’t magically make your look Rocker Girl, m’kay?] Heidi also said it was a mishmash of eras and The Adorable Zac Posen™ said it was 50s and 60s and not good. He called it nerdy, which can be good, but said it wasn’t kooky enough.

Nina was all, Where’s the eggnog? She called it Christmas with the red and green and gold plaid and the shiny red shoes and the six tiny reindeer; or something. She said it was retro and not in a good way. Kaley loved the shoes, but not the look, while Anne said it was definitely not rock’n’roll. She loved the way the pants fit, but hated the top and the jacket.

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Nina again said it was obviously a holiday outfit and called Miranda a one-note, and Kaley said she hated it. The Adorable Zac Posen™ said he hadn’t seen anything good from Miranda.

So, even though the Aufing is supposed to be based on this one runway — meaning Bradon or Jeremy could have, and maybe should have, gone home — the fact that Miranda is a One Trick Monkey — thanks Dmitry — she’s Auf’d.

THE TOP THREE

KEN

Bitch. Nasty. He’s all about playing “the game” and not realizing if he’d just create something wonderful he might win. Bitch.

His shoe, the child version of Alexandria’s, and a cousin to the shoes Heidi wore at the start of the show — which might have been part of his “game” plan — were unflattering to me. His model, even being a thin girl, seems to have cankles and those shoes did not help.

He was planning a coat dress with big poufy sleeves and a big poufy hem, but Tim talked him out of it; he needs to thank Tim. He turned it around and stripped the sleeves to simple and changed the poof into a peplum. SIDENOTE: I am so happy to be a man just knowing that no designer would ever suggest a peplum for me to wear. I think peplums are just the dumbest thing ever.

And Ken’s was dumb, and big and kinda sloppy. The top part of his dress was sexy athlete, the middle part was hotel maid, and the bottom was party girl drunk under a bar. I didn’t see that at all as a Top Three.

Heidi liked it because it was soft and hard, and because of the peplum—oh for the love of Lacroix, Heidi, really? She also liked the reptilian fabric, which is what I think boosted Ken from safe to top. The Adorable Zac Posen™ said he did a good job with a rich fabric but hated the disco ball purse accessory. Nina loved that it was covered up at the top and oh-so-short at the bottom, while Kaye called it cool and cute; cute? Sitcom actress. Anne called it fabulous and killer but wished the dress had been longer and less vah-jay-jay adjacent.

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Anne and Kaley both felt up the model, er, the fabric, and loved it. The Adorable Zac Posen™ said it was sexy secretary in a good textile. Heidi said Good for him and with that Ken was Safe, though he whined that he didn’t win.

ALEXANDRIA

Her kinda slutty, kinda tough thigh-high gladiator sandals might have seemed like an odd choice, and hard to design around, but at least they got noticed.

I liked her look — though, again, I hated the sandals and wondered what woman would wear them, anywhere, ever — because while the shoes read gladiator, her look read toga and those two things do go together. It was simple, with some added lace trim and cutouts, so it wasn’t boring.

Heidi thought it the perfect dress fort the shoe, and called it whimsical — in a kinda of Roman warrior kind of whimsy, I guess — and feminine; she liked the soft and hard and sexiness of it. Nina agreed that it was perfect for the shoe, soft and cool and relaxed, and said it was the most editorial look of all. Anne said she loved loved it, and loved the shoes, while Kaley called it bold and confident. Only The Adorable Zac Posen™ wasn’t on-board; he hates gladiator sandals, especially crotch high gladiator sandals, and called her a nightgown girl walking home through Soho; pedestrian, he said, which fits a girl walking the streets, but not a streetwalker.

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Heidi loved the lace while The Adorable Zac Posen™ said there wasn’t a lot of construction involved — unlike the girders holding up Ken’s peplum, I’m guessing — while Nina admitted the whole look could have gone wrong, but didn’t.

Alexandria is safe.

HELEN

I always worry about Helen because I have no idea who she is; she’s got the attitude and the tattoos but her looks, for the most part, are boring and simple and dull; and often poorly made.

Her ankle boots with the studded toes were cool, but her dress, and the capelet, seemed a little nunnish to me; a little bit American Horror story: Asylum, if you will. It was all too simple and too black and too, well, nothing. But, it was well-made, and that counts for the judges who raved about it.

Nina started off by saying she wanted the dress for herself; it was minimal and classy, refined, sophisticated, fashionable. I wondered if Nina was over tired last night. Heidi called it sleek and chic and said she wanted it, too, while Kaley said she’d wear it on any carpet — and I hope she meant Red Carpet and not some carpet in a casting director’s office, if you get my meaning.

Anne called it stunningly simple, and The Adorable Zac Posen™ said it was fantastic and chic and sophisticated and fits so well; “simplicity is next to godliness.”

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The Adorable Zac Posen™ called the construction perfect, and loved the fabric. Anne agreed that it was good, but very basic, while Heidi liked that it was simple and well made. Nina said it was all about the cape.

I guess it all means that a good cape, over a simple basic, well-made black dress that looked like something from the Sister Act costume department, is a winner.

Helen scores her first solo win.

Bradon better step it up, or he’s not going to The Tents and will instead be meeting his boyfriend at that cabin in Big Bear.  And Jeremy needs to listen and learn, and stop being so egotistical in his designs or he’ll, too, be tent-less.

Ken needs to go. The whining, the crying, the bitchiness; it’s like a holiday dinner every day with him. And Helen? I still don’t get how the tattoos jibe with the monastic fashions she creates; it’s all so weird.

Alexandria is really stepping up and I think she might head to Lincoln Center at the end of the season, while Alexander will head to Lincoln Center, too, to see a show. Justin might go to the Tents if he pushes himself, but not as far as he pushed last week, and Dom needs to stop with the urban streetwear because it’s looking like that’s all she knows.

Miranda? Take heart in knowing that you outlasted Timothy. Head back to Wisconsin and rub his unicorn’s nose in it.

Next week Michael Korange is back! I want a Kors-Posen Gay Designer Dish Off!

What did YOU  think?

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