I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

JLo. She seemingly has it all: the kids, the career, the fabulous wardrobe, the decade’s younger boyfriend she can ride like a rodeo clown … TMI? Sorry, moving on …. But one thing she has that I never knew about was a problem sleeping alone. Now, I don’t mean sleeping alone as in ride ‘em like a rodeo clown, climb down, and fall asleep. I mean, she ALLEGEDLY cannot sleep in her bed alone, and after she puts Casper and the kids down for the night, La Lopez crawls into bed with her assistant. Yes, apparently JLo makes her female assistant sleep in the same bed with her—no funny business, mind you—it’s just that Lopez likes the company.

An inside source—and you know it’s Casper looking for extra scratch when he spends all his allowance—says, “It has nothing to do with sex. When Jennifer and her ex Marc Anthony were traveling all over South America taping for their 2012 show ‘Q’Viva, Casper often didn’t accompany her—and when he wasn’t around, she’d ask her female cousin/assistant, Tiana, to spend the next right next to her because ‘I just get so lonely in bed!’”

Perhaps that’s the root of all her issues, but it also begs the question: how does one share a bed with JLo’s California King-sized ass?

Well, Conrad Murray is currently behind bars because he was found guilty of giving drug addict Michael Jackson the drugs that killed him.

But there is another court case involving Jackson that is still ongoing. Jackson’s family is suing concert promotion company AEG saying they hired Murray to be Jackson’s doctor so they basically killed him, too.

Whatevs. The real story is some of the :::cough cough::: testimony going on in that courtroom. See, AEG Live CEO Randy Phillips says he has proof that Jackson’s death was an accident because he, pay attention now, he, Randy Phillips, spoke with Lionel Richie’s ex-wife, Brenda Harvey claimed that her psychic says Jackson’s ghost came to see her and told her that his death was an accident.

This is testimony.

Many in the court burst into laughter, but Judge Yvette Palazuelos let the testimony stand; meaning the jury will have to consider that a ghost told a psychic who told her friend who told this CEO that Jackson’s death was accidental.

Oy.

One would have thought that Charlie Sheen had learned his lesson after warring with Chuck Lorre on the 2.5 Men set and finding his ass fired, but crackheads never really learn.

And sometimes they win.

Sheen is still ALLEGEDLY incensed that Ashton Kutcher took over the 2.5 Men lead, and is also dating Mila Kunis. See, back when Charlie was full-on-in-your-0face crazy, and hiring a team of “goddesses” to help him, he wondered aloud about Mila Kunis taking on the role. She didn’t, and then she began dating his arch nemesis, Kutcher.

Well, Charlie is like a dog with a bone, or a crackhead with a pipe, and will not let go of the idea of getting Mila Kunis. You see, Charlie wants Mila to take over Selma Blair’s role in “Anger Management” and, in trying to arrange it, he had Blair fired because she had the nerve to complain that the porn-and-drug-addicted asshat was late and stuff to work.

So, bam, Blair’s out and Charlie is waving around a $10 million paycheck for Kunis who, like most of America if Anger Management’s downward ratings indicate, isn’t listening.

So, on the heels of Lohan’s exit from the Betty Ford Center for a more serene and spa-like Malibu rehab, Charlie Sheen’s ex, Brooke Mueller is also leaving the BFC.

Apparently Brooke, undergoing her twenty-something attempt, followed by a twenty-something failure, at rehab did not like the fact that she had to do chores at Betty Ford so she left without a word.

An insider—and who’s more inside at rehab than Lohan—says, “Brooke didn’t tell anyone, including her lawyer, that she had left Betty Ford. [She] hated Betty Ford because she was required to do daily chores, which she resented. She complained that Betty Ford was just too hard. Betty Ford is hardcore and Brooke just doesn’t respond well in situations where she can’t call the shots.”

But, her abrupt move to leave the facility and head to an easier rehab in San Juan Capistrano just might be the death knell in her bid to get her children—twin sons of Charlie Sheen—back from another Sheen ex, Denise Richards.

Lohan, er, the source, says, “This could have a serious impact on Brooke’s bid to get custody of the twins. Brooke just doesn’t seem to be taking get sober that seriously. Her doctors at Betty Ford advised her not to leave, but she did anyway. Her counselors will be submitting an extensive report about Brooke’s time at Betty Ford and it won’t be glowing, that is for sure.”

Happily, the chances are low that Brooke Mueller will ever have primary custody of her sons; sadly, it seems that the boys won’t grow up with either of the parents—who have yet to grow up themselves—and may find that they will be Denise Richard’s boys now.

Oh, it wouldn’t be gossip without Lohan—even if Lindsay is still in rehab lockdown.

It’s been just over a week since Lindsay paid off asked a judge to let her out of the Betty Ford Clinic and into a celebrity-friendly rehab in Malibu because it’s summer and the parties are in Malibu, so, yeah, Lindsay + Malibu – rehab = arrests. I’m guessing.

Except now she’s not happy in Malibu and wants to make this The Lindsay Lohan Rehab World Tour, Part One—because, bitches, you know there’s gonna be a sequel.

Lindsay wants to transfer again, and head to the east coast where maybe she and mama Dina can share a room because how Dina has escaped rehab all these years is amazing. But, Lindsay says she wants to go east because it’s easier for family to see her, and rehab is all about visits from home, not getting your issues dealt with and trying yet another stab at sobriety.

So, let’s get this straight, or queer, or whatever: Lohan was ordered to Morningside Clinic by the judge, and she did go; I mean, she sat in her car in the driveway and left without entering, but she was there. Then she went to Betty Ford and apparently kicked a nurse—I’m kidding, maybe—because they refused to let her continue taking Adderall. And so she hustled her way of the BFC and into Malibu, where she thought she could keep her prescriptions until they said ‘No’ and now she wants out again.

Yeah, this’ll turn out great.

And what would a week be without a visit from Little Miss Justine Bieber.

He’s such a rock star, you know, and as rocks stars are apt to do, he took to partying it up Big Boy style while staying at an upscale hotel in New York City.

It seems Miss Justine was ready to get down with her bad self, and called downstairs for some extra special goodie bags for the festivities. An inside—and it could be anyone because, other than prepubescent girls and Lesbians, no one likes The Biebs—says, “He asked for more intimacy kits with condoms. He always requests condoms…and jelly beans!”

Condoms and Jelly Beans.

I can’t with that; it says it all. I can picture Justine and her BFFs sitting around the hotel filling condoms with jelly beans so they can have party favors on the bus.

Poor Miss Thang.

A little more on Mila Kunis, although it’s never really about Kunis, it’s about the men who want a piece of Kunis. And this time it’s one Russell Brand—who, we learned this week, asked Katy Perry for a divorce via a text message … shades of Berger’s Post-It note break-up with Carrie on Sex and The City­—who wants some Mila for himself. 

But Brand lost out, too, like Charlie Sheen, though the big difference is, Charlie lost Mila to Ashton, while Russell lost Mila to … wait for it … Macaulay Culkin. I.Know!

It seems Brand was filming with Mila Kunis when he tried to charm her into becoming one of his conquests—the looks-like-he-doesn’t-bathe comedian is ALLEGEDLY a sex addict—and she said, ‘No.’ Cuz she was dating that kid from Home Alone. That has got to hurt, you know?

Russell Brand:  “She’s so gorgeous, just so gorgeous and I was chatting her up and got the conversation around to have you got a boyfriend, and then you know that feeling of how long do I have to entertain a conversation? Then I go away and she keeps talking about her boyfriend Mac, this is when I was on Sarah Marshall. Eventually she said he’s coming tomorrow and there was some sort of fanfare, she was so excited. Then when he came it wasn’t Mac – it was Macaulay Culkin. He’d got longer and looked pale and scared of himself, like a shaved horse. There was a horror about him and I thought, ‘you can’t f**k him – that’s the lad from Home Alone’.”

But that begs the question: which is worse? F**king the kid from Home Alone or f**king Russell Brand.

Discuss.

And since we started with JLo, let's end with JLo at the ceremony for receiving her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

I'm'a keep this simple:

Girl looks older than Casper's mama.

Girl couldn't find a decent pair of shoes?

Girl couldn't get a dress that wasn't wrinkled?

Girl gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?

Who'd she bang for that?

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Jon Bon Jovi doesn’t suffer fools, even the pint-sized ones.

It seems that the rocker, who has a reputation for being one of the hardest working men in music, says that Justin Bieber will begin to lose his, um, for lack of a better word, ‘fans’ if he continues to disappoint.

Said Bon Jovi: “Every generation has guys that do that, none of that is new. They run the risk of disrespecting their audience members who have worked hard to pay for their ticket, to give you the permission to take two or three hours of their lives — or in that kid’s case, 80 minutes of their lives. Do it once, you can be forgiven. Do it enough times and shame on you. They won’t have you back. Then it just becomes a cliché. It’s really not cool — you’re an a**hole. Go to f***in’ work!”

Bieber blames “technical issues” for one of his tardy parties, and also claims he was just forty minutes late but, when your core audience needs to be in bed by 9PM ….

PS I just had to include the picture of Bieber looking like he has to be carried in and out of cars because, well, it's high-larious! 

Y’all know I am no fan of Gwyneth Paltrow but this time I gotta hand it to her. 

See, about a year ago, both Paltrow and Kate Moss were invited to party in Mexico for Sir Phillip Green's 60th birthday; don't ask, I have no idea who he is. But the story is that Paltrow and the hard-partying CoKate Moss got into some kind of bitchfight while in Mexico and spent a year not speaking. Quelle horror!

It all started the morning that Moss woke up with her usual hangover, and stumbled out to her terrace where she spotted Gwyneth jogging on the beach.

Kate ALLEGEDLY said, “Why are jogging on vacation?” 

And Paltrow ALLEGEDLY replied, “So I don’t look like you when I get old.”

Kate then ALLEGEDLY threw some potato chips at Gwyneth and retorted: “Why don’t you eat some f—king carbs?!”

Apparently a lot of the party goers heard the exchange and had a good old-fashioned giggle fest, though Paltrow later denied it ever happened.

But, ironically, it was those damned carbs that reunited Kate, 39, and Paltrow, 40, last week when they crossed paths at a North London pizzeria. Paltrow was there with husband Chris Martin, and their kids Pear and Solomon, or something, when Kate spotted them and came over to the table. Paltrow and Moss then air-kissed and air-made-up.

Sidenote: I give Paltrow points for the ‘So I don’t look like you comment’. I mean, look at them up there. Kate is younger than Paltrow, yet looks like Joan Crawford reincarnated.

Maybe Paltrow’s on to something?

I kid.

What would you do if you found yourself pregnant from one guy while still legally married to another? And what would you do if the guy that knocked you up, after said knocking, fled to Paris while you stayed in LA getting your picture taken walking into stores and cafes? And then, what would you do if, in the final stages of your pregnancy, you flew to Paris to be with the Baby Daddy but the Baby Daddy left the City of Lights for Milan?

Yeah, it’s hard being Kim Kash Kow Kardashian.

And, while some say that Kash Kow and her momager, media-whoring, pimp, Kris Jenner, flew to Paris to confront Kanye about rarely being in the same city, much less the same continent as his Baby Mama, he decided to skip town without a word and go to a photo-shoot.

Photo-shoot? Yes. Meeting your Baby Mama in Paris? Not so much.

Sidenote: KKKK’s new lips make her look more like a drag queen than ever—no offense to actual drag queens—and, seriously, they don’t have enough money to buy shoes that fit? Those little piggies are shoved into those kitten heels.

Poor Lohan. She can’t catch a break even in rehab lockdown. I mean, first they cut off her supply of Adderall, and now she’s getting sued?

Lindsay Lohan is being sued for $5 million by the company that released her line of leggings—Lohan and Leggings!! A can’t-miss-but-did—who claim that her “drug-addled image” caused low sales.

M’kay. I might buy that argument except for the fact that you knew you were hiring Lindsay Lohan! Amirite?

DNAM, the apparel manufacturer that partnered with Lohan’s leggings line 6126, just might be suing in retaliation because Lohan is suing them over a licensing dispute; the manufacturer is now claiming that Lohan’s tarnished reputation severely hampered their ability to sell her clothing line to buyers.

In the $5 million breach-of-contract counter claim DNAM ALLEGES that while Lohan’s leggings line was initially successful—go figure, but I’m guessing it sold mostly to prostitutes and hookers—buyers began pulling away from the line because, DNAM ALLEGES, “they did not want to be associated with Lohan’s drug addled image.”

In the spring of 2011, buyers canceled appointments and customers canceled orders, noting that “no one would touch the line.” Lohan, who was in rehab at the time—again, go figure—was unable to endorse the brand and now the company says that all Lindsay’s legal woes, coupled with her ALLEGED drug and alcohol addiction, devalued the brand.

And they want $5 million. From Lohan. The girl who can’t pay her hotel bill or her lawyer.

Good luck with that!

Restaurant workers are not fans of Johnny Depp. Rumor has it that he is the world’s worst tipper, and most servers would prefer to skip his table. And now he’s gone and pissed off the kitchen staff wherever he dines.

Depp was recently spotted eating at West Hollywood’s new vegan eatery Crossroads with new girlfriend Amber Heard and he kept the waiter at his table for some twenty minutes demanding to know the sugar, salt and fat content of each item on the menu that interested him, and then demanded a list of everything that was in the dish, including any ‘secret’ ingredients not listed on the menu. Then he asked exactly how the dish would be prepared.

After the drilling and the demand for perfectly healthy food, Depp dashed outside the restaurant and chain smoked until the meal came.

Yeah. I know.

Denise Richards is now a full-time single mother of five—her three daughters along with Charlie Sheen’s twins by his third wife, Brooke Mueller, who is currently trying her 27^th stay at rehab for a crystal meth addiction.

And since the chances are both slim and none that Mueller will get her children back after this rehab stay, and since chances are slim and none that Charlie is a good parent, Sheen has figured out the best way to make sure his sons get the best parent possible. Charlie Sheen actually proposed marriage to ex-wife.

A source close to Sheen—possibly Dina Lohan on a three way call with Lindsay and Brooke at Betty Ford—says, “When Denise took Charlie’s twins into her home last December after troubled Brooke entered rehab once again, Charlie suddenly realized it was the very first time his sons had lived in a healthy environment—and the first time he’d been able to begin building a relationship with them.”

But, no matter how much cash is involved—Sheen pays Denise some $55,000 a month in child support, and pays Mueller the same—Denise says she will NOT entertain is his plan to remarry.

She’s channeling the immortal Nancy Reagan and will Just Say No.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Rihanna seems to be treading in LeAnn Rimes territory lately, getting caught up in an online ‘battle’ with a fan.

It seems that an Instagram user ms_kasharna1 responded to a picture of Rihanna and a relative with "I swear everyone in Rihanna’s family looks like they’re retarded… Must be the drugs and alcohol!”

Not nice; rude, actually. Stupid, definitely. But then Rihanna, never know to take the high road lest she’s actually high, responded by uploading an image to her Instagram of a goat and ms_kasharna1 , and then asking her followers to ‘spot the difference’. She also posted the picture on her Twitter feed, which is nearing 29.5 million followers.

To her credit, ms_kasharna1 deleted all of her Instagram photos, though on Twitter she continues to go after Rihanna:  “Rihanna looks so dirty!!! Like she hasn’t showered in days!”

Like I said, not nice, rude actually, stupid definitely, but, really, Rihanna? Did you have to respond? Did you have to sink to that level? Did you have to take it into the street?

Way to go, RiRi. I’ve changed my mind; you and Chris Brown are perfect for each other.

Look at Janice Dickenson, the self-declared World’s First Supermodel-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L!

She used to be gorgeous, then she apparently fell in love with plastic surgery and the need to [she thinks] look forever young.

She has admitted to being a plastic surgery whore and a friend of The Bo, but then she went into Face-lifting and Lip Injections and now she looks like a plastic version of herself that has been left out in the hot sun too long.

But, to listen to her talk about her surgeries in laughable:

“I had my boobs done when I was 32. Back in the Jurassic era!  I had a tummy tuck and face-lift – and so has every other woman in Hollywood! Sue me. I do Botox and Restylane. I don’t get anything in my cheeks, though. I have perfect bone structure. And my lips are mine.”

Uh huh. Methinks the photos tell another story.

“I don’t think my appearance has changed. I just think my face has matured. Do Halle or Julia or Meryl still look the same? No!”

Um, they at least look like themselves, though Janice.

Knock it off.

Need proof that The Gays can have as disastrous a marriage as The Straights, then look no further than David Tutera, of TVs My Fair Wedding.

It seems that Tutera has filed for d-i-v-o-r-c-e from his husband on ten years, Ryan Jurica, and he wants full custody of the unborn twins that are growing in a surrogate's womb right now, and then it got ugly.

Ryan Jurica is making all sorts of nasty claims about his wanna-be-an-ex-husband. See, two days before David filed papers in L.A., Ryan filed his owner papers in Connecticut and said that their 10 year marriage died, because David is addicted to, um, rent boys, er,  leased dick. Ryan claims the couple went to a therapist to make it work, but it didn’t work because David would come home smelling like Rent-a-whore.

Just like David, Ryan wants full custody of their unborn twins, though he admits that while David earns about a million a year, he doesn’t make a dime because he didn’t work while they were married. Then, I guess hoping it makes him look like the better parent, he says after David left him, he turned to The Drink and was forced to spend time in rehab. He has also been arrested once for DWI and once for being drunk in public.

Seriously, these two prove that The Gays can be just as dysfunctional and disgusting in marriage as The Straights; in fact, aren’t they just The Gay version of Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller?

So, Not-Gay-And-In-The-Closet Ryan Seacrest and Not-Beard Julianne Hough broke up.

Color me surprised. As surprised as I was when David Gest dumped Liza, or Liza dumped David; whatever.

The Seacrest-Hough [pronounced Seacrest-Huff, not the more amusing Seacrest-Ho] split occurred in mid-March after the two had been ‘dating’ for two years and the break-up seems to have taken.

Now, as if to prove he has come to terms with being dumped, comes news that Ryan has purchased a $3 million LA home for Hough. Seriously? Now, why oh why would someone buy their ex—he bought the house well after the breakup—a mansion unless, included in the mortgage, was a Silence Clause. As in don’t tell people that Ryan really swings the other way.

A former pal of the American Idol host says that, despite his goody-two-shoes-Dick-Clark-in-the-making image, Seacrest has some unusual appetites in the boudoir region, and so, to avoid having the exes spill the beans, he buys them $3 million worth of quiet.

Man, a $3 million house is an excellent return on a two-year relationship investment.

So, we talked David Tutera and Ryan Jurica, now let’s dish on their Straight Counterparts, Brooke Mueller and Charlie Sheen.

It seems that Child protective Services came to Brooke’s house and found it more of a drug den than a home and removed her twin boys—the one’s she had with her husband, Charlie Sheen before he pulled a knife on her—from the home. And they took the boys to Charlie’s house.

No. They didn‘t. Rather than take the boys to their father’s house after discovering their mother is a drug mule, the authorities actually gave Brooke and Charlie’s boys to his other ex-wife, Denise Richards.

Now, Brooke’s in hospital for drug abuse issues… again….for the, and this is not a lie or an exaggeration, the twentieth time…and after detoxing, she’ll move to a residential treatment center. Then she’ll get out and do it all over again.

Sad, really, but even sadder still is that, after Brooke entered rehab again, Denise and Charlie attended an emergency custody hearing to review the boys’ placement. The judge agreed that they should stay with Denise, who is already a single mom to three daughters under 10, and the boy’s father, Charlie, has agreed that the best place for his sons.

Not with him. With his ex-wife who isn’t their mother. Now, this may appear pathetic that he doesn’t even want his own sons, but I will commend him just this once for knowing that he is such an over-top- fuck up that he realizes his children would be better off with Denise.

Still…..anyone can have a child, or twins, these days.

I know she’s all locked up at the Betty Ford Center, but Lindsay Lohan’s crack-tivities are keeping her in the news.

It seems that Lohan doesn’t like the BFC and is trying to finagle a change of venue to a more productive rehab facility in Hawaii. Does she think she can switch rehabs like people switch hotels? Well, here’s why she hates the BFC:

She has to get up at 6:30 every morning and do chores like dress herself and make her bed and comb her weave.

She still gets to take her Adderall, but BFC doctors are evaluating Lindsay’s diagnosis and the efficacy of the drug. If doctors disbelieve her diagnosis or the usefulness of Adderall, they will cut her off.

Unlike her last stint at the BFC, Lohan will get no Day Passes to go clubbing and shopping and drug scoring.

Still, one problem with the BFC is that they only offer 30 day treatments, so Lohan might have to do the same 30-day program three times in a row. Sidenote: Lohan’s former lawyer, never paid, but hired back, Shawn Holley insists that Betty Ford does offer longer programs.

So hard to be a drug addict and stuck in rehab where you can’t party and lay by the pool all day.

If I ever go to rehab, I wanna go to a Four Season one, on a beach, with hot cabana boys.

You gotta love Robin Williams. After he, and the rest of the world, caught sight of that hideous outfit Kim Kardashian wore to the Met Ball, he Tweeted that picture: "I think I wore it better."

But, even funnier than his Tweet is the news that it was Kanye who picked out the dress for Kim. Seriously, he wanted his Baby Mama to look like a couch in a whorehouse?

Funnier still, is word that Kanye was “annoyed” and “embarrassed” that she altered it by removing the belt and adding sleeves. Yeah, a belt would have helped. Not.

And, finally, funniest of all, is that on Vogue’s website, where they featured all the Met Ball guests, they included Kanye West but basically erased the Kash Kow from sight. So what you have is Kanye holding a disembodied hand, and Kardashian MIA in the photo and in the entire gallery.

Other couples photographed together remain intact. Kardashian was the only one cropped out.

I giggle.

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First off, I need to say I loathe Gwyneth Paltrow. Even though Harvey Weinstein ‘bought’ her an Oscar a few years back, she really is the worst hacktress out there; aside from Lohan of course. But what I loathe most about Paltrow is how she loves to give her advice on how one should live one’s life, and, of course, live it like Paltrow. She’s even created her own website, Goop—which I think is a play on words and really means sh*t—to tell the minions of the world how to be more Paltrow.

In her latest Goop-letter which focuses on her ‘Spring Edit’, Paltrow gives you a list of ‘must haves’ for a new season. But, not only does Paltrow name-drop a list of fancy designer clothes that world’s unwashed and un-Oscared™ must own, but she actually models the looks on her site.

Whatever. Here’s the kicker: if you want to dress like Gwyneth—just for this one season, mind you—you’ll need to spend $458,000. See, she recommends things like “a $425 white leather crop-top from Theyksens’ Theory, shiny orange Maiyet shorts for $475, a $925 leopard print Charlotte Olympia clutch, Jimmy Choo heels for $575, a $795 Swarovski crystal necklace and a $1,590 bangle bracelet from Saint Laurent.”

This leads me to realize that ‘Paltrow’ is Polish for ‘out of touch actress who has a far too high and mighty view of herself.’

We all know that Rihanna has terrible taste in men. I mean, what else can you say about the gal that goes back to the douche that punched her in the face for looking at his phone?

But now, it seems, at least according to the National Enquirer—don’t judge….they broke the John Edwards story—Rihanna has a way of getting back at Chris for punching her and then hooking back up with her and then cheating on her. She is ALLEGEDLY doing the nasty with Dane Cook.

It seems the singer and the, for lack of a better word, comic, have been friends for years, until Rihanna decided friends with benefits would be a nice way to show Chris Brown what a special girl she is. A source—and you know it’s Lohan lying on the floor under a bar in a pool of her own vomit, texting TMZ—says, “They hang out in Dane’s dressing room and sometimes he goes back to her Pacific Palisades home to party. Rihanna’s friends all think they’re carrying on a romance, but she’s very secretive about it. She wants to keep everyone guessing, especially Chris.”

Until he finds out and the fists come out. Again.

With lockdown looming, Lohan has been quiet this week, probably just getting drunk’n’high in her hotel room. But a new story has come out about her relationship with her doofus lawyer, Mark Heller, and his family. Apparently Mark isn’t the only Heller she’s involved with … legally. It seems Heller’s son Mike is in charge of something called Lohan’s ‘branding’, which, sadly, doesn’t involve taking a hot piece of bent iron and tagging her saggy ass.

Lohan has been a longtime friend/concubine/drug mule, ALLEGEDLY, for Michael Heller, a club promoter turned entrepreneur. He stages celebrity photo ops—and probably personally picked that hooker outfit Lohan wore to court last week—and brand-related party appearances, so it seems like he is providing the cracktress with some much needed income since her film career is basically over.

“Mike books gigs for Lindsay and they’ve known each other for a long time,” a Lohan insider named Dina, accepting payment in tequila, said.  “She’s not likely to part ways with his father anytime soon, because of her strong ties to his son. Without brand promotion, Lindsay would be in a lot deeper financial trouble.”

In fact, Boy Heller was the one who whisked Lindsay from NYC to LA, aboard the private Mr. Pink jet, when her commercial flight was delayed. It’s nice when the pimps help their girls get to court, isn’t it?

And, what’s a girl to do while waiting for her lockdown-rehab to begin? Well, if you’re Lindsay Lohan, you’ll spend a few days with Charlie Sheen, guest-starring on his FX show, and possibly getting high in a hotel room together,. Then it’s off to Brazil. 

Perhaps someone should check on our extradition treaty with Brazil.

Oh, why? Better to let her stay there and become Brazil’s problem.

Wow, I knew he had a big head, literally, but Will Smith has a really big head.

See, Smith was rumored to be Quentin Tarantino’s first pick for the role of Django in Django Unchained but, after begging to be the star, turned it down because he didn’t get to kill the bad guy and he wasn’t the star.

Will Smith: “Django wasn’t the lead, so it was like, I need to be the lead. The other character [Christoph Waltz’ character] was the lead! I was like, ‘No, Quentin, please, I need to kill the bad guy!’”

Funny, Waltz was considered a supporting actor in the film, and won the Oscar as such, while Jamie Foxx, who played Django, was promoted as the star. I imagine Smith was more concerned about playing opposite a real actor in Waltz and that was the reason he bowed out.

Will Smith. Big star. Bigger ego.

Meanwhile, back at Rihanna.

She seems to have a taken a page out of Little Miss Justin Bieber’s playbook. A few weeks ago, Bieber kept tens of his prepubescent fans waiting because he was two hours late for his show; many, in fact, left early because they have to be in bed by 8PM.

Now, it seems, Rihanna has decided that being tardy is the new publicity stunt.

See, RiRi was scheduled to give a show at a Chicago high school a week ago; the students won the free show because of the video they created showcasing their philanthropic work that was set to Rihanna auto-tunes. These kids, who were on spring break but came back to school for the show, waited four hours for her Assholiness to appear.

Her official excuse? Chicago traffic is bad; and Rihanna Instagrammed a picture to prove it … except the picture was taken when she was already three hours late. And then, to pile on the I don’t have time for this shiz, I’m Rihanna nonsense, once she finally arrived she, um, sang [?] for fifteen minutes and then left.

One student, who helped with the philanthropic video—which showed the student’s efforts in helping out tornado victims—called it “The Surviving Rihanna Event.”

But then, she probably had to get back to schtupping Dane Cook and dodging Chris Brown’s punches.

I love when smarmy smartass James Franco gets served, and it’s especially good when he gets served by David Letterman.

See, Franco was on Letterman this past week and asked Dave to finally reveal why his friend and film-maker, Harmony Korine, whose appearances on past shows have been d-i-sastrous, had been asked to never come back. Franco tells the story that Korine says he was banned from the show because he ALLEGEDLY pushed Meryl Streep backstage.

Well, for that he should have been shot, but that wasn’t true.

So Letterman revealed the true story for the first time. “I went upstairs to greet Meryl Streep and welcome her to the show, and I knock on the door … and she was not in there. And I looked around, and she was not in there, and I found Harmony going through her purse. True story. And so I said: ‘That’s it, put her things back in her bag and then get out.’”

The best part isn’t the image of Letterman going all Keystone Kops on Korine, but the look on Franco’s face when he realizes it was shoving a living legend that got his friend banned, it’s that his friend was a petty thief.

Letterman said he would now be happy to have the director, who completed rehab more than a decade ago. That might be all right, but do we need to keep having Franco on?

I got nothing on Justin Bieber this week. I mean, we could talk about him being two hours late for a concert; we could talk about him going all Gibson on a papparazzo; we could talk about him being accused of assault and battery on his neighbor. Or, we could just look at this photo and laugh at Lil Justine being carried out of a car by her bodyguard.

Precious.

Oops. I guess I spoke too soon about Lindsay Lohan being a good girl this week.

After her first day on the set of fellow cracktor Charlie Sheen’s ‘Anger Management’ people were raving about how great she was:

“Lindsay knew her lines cold and her timing was perfect. She was really funny.” 

“Lindsay was incredibly nice.”

“Lindsay proved she has talent. You watch her and you know why she became a star.” 

Yeah, that was Day One; Day Two was a whore of a different color.

A source from the Anger Management set—did Dina get a day job?—says that, by the time Lohan was done shooting her guest spot on Sheen’s FX comedy, the cast, included Charlie himself, and crew were thinking that hiring her wasn’t worth the aggravation.

“She was a colossal pain in the ass,” one source says. “It’s a shame, because when she actually gets on camera she is good and has comedic timing. But she comes with so much luggage it’s not worth it…The first day was fine, she showed up early and did her job.”

But, the source adds, “from the moment she arrived yesterday she did nothing but hold up the production. She would sit in her trailer and stall and she delayed until she up and left for her boyfriend’s concert…She held everyone hostage. They almost called police to escort her off the set.”

Lindsay, ever delusional, Tweeted: “I just had such a wonderful day on set of #angermanagement with @charliesheen & @LIGHTAARON @SaveTheSociety @jazejazz7 and the entire crew!”

An insider from Lohan’s camp naturally refutes the accusations, and denies that Lohan deliberately held up the production. But, um, Lindsay was set to tape on Monday and then finish on Tuesday, but she had to go back Wednesday and finish up because of her delaying tactics.

But, here’s the deal with Sheen and his show: Shaddup. You hired her, you know who she is and what she does; seriously, someone must have read about her time on the craptastic Liz & Dick, and her d-i-sastrous porn debut in The Canyons, and yet you still hired her.

You get what you pay for, and when you pay for a drug and alcohol addicted narcissist, well, then, like I said….

Shaddup.

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