I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

I must have missed this story when it first came around, because it’s over a month old, and takes place at the Cannes Film Festival where Leonardo DiCaprio was, ALLEGEDLY, a giant douche.

Seems he spent the entire time partying, yacht-hopping, promoting his movie and trying to bone anything with two legs and a pulse; and a vagina, lest some of my more, um, gay readers think they had a chance with Leo.

But, in addition to The Hunt For Tail, Leo also racked up a $50,000 hotel tab; not for rooms; not for room service; not for that one bag of Macadamia Nuts in the room fridge. No, Leo ALLEGEDLY destroyed his suite at the Hotel du Cap-Eden-Roc during the festival!

A source—and you know it’s Lohan, writing from jail rehab because she wishes she was there—says, “Every night, Leo would throw parties. He left cigarette burns on the carpet, bed and couch. And the bathtub and toilet were clogged, which caused a huge mess, and women’s underwear was everywhere!”

But, like his last film role, Jay Gatsby, Leo was the perfect gentleman on the way out and gladly coughed up the 50 G’s for the damages.

Still, um, Leo? Maybe use an ashtray and learn how to use a toilet and you can save yourself $50,000!

Amirite

Poor Moo-riah Mariah Carey!

After living it up on the 4th of July, the poor dear dislocated her shoulder.

Some say she did so while filming her new music video.

I think it happened when she was trying to grab that last biscuit off the breakfast tray before anyone else got it.

Just sayin’.

Bromance alert.

Bradley “Husband In My head” Cooper and Gerard “Please Take A Bath” Butler were all aglow last week at Wimbledon, watching Andy Murray win one for the home team.

But, seriously? Matching suits? Selfies?

And Bradley’s ALLEGED girlfriend—some model named Sookie—was seated a couple of seats away and left totally out of the action, while Bradard, er, Gerley, yeah, definitely Gerley  cooed and giggled like a couple of love-struck English lads away at university.

Just sayin’.

You know, when you set Lindsay Lohan up as your idol, you don’t have to reach very far to be just like her. But you can end up looking like a Low Rent Lohan.

was sent to rehab to deal with the fact that she’s a media whore, porn star, alcoholic and ended up in the same facility as the Tanning Mom, Patricia Krentcil; you remember her, the Leather Faced Drunkard who fried her daughter in a tanning bed? Yeah, a couple of real winners.

But Farrah was kicked out of the rehab place after just ten days because she was a “disruptive influence” on other patients.  The single mother-of-one—paging Child Protective Services! Child Protective Services, Please—was involved in an argument with a nurse, brought a paparazzi into the facility for a photo shoot of her stay, bullied other patients because, you know, she’s Teen Mom, media whore, porn star, alcoholic, Farrah, and tried to take a  photo of Tanning Mom.

That was the last straw and out she went.

Teen Mom, Tanning Mom. If only there was a show called The Biggest loser … not for weight loss, but for being an actual loser.

Britney Spears. White trash with money. And a high-larious record producer in one William Orbit.

He Tweeted about working with Brit Brit—between fried chicken breaks—and when a fan suggested that maybe Spears could do a stripped down version of one of her songs—at least I’m hoping it was stripped down song and not stripped down Spears—Orbit Tweeted:

@britneyspears never needed that auto tune thing . . . just know how to make singers sing great

My.Sides!

For the record, here’s a stripped down Brit singing Happy Birthday top LA Reid last year, and it makes me wish she had auto tune follow her around all the time.

Little Miss Justine Bieber is at it again.

It seems she’s been running late to all her concerts lately, forcing her, um, audience, to stay up well past their 7PM bedtime; she’s still terrorizing her neighbors by driving her car like a madwoman throughout his million dollar ‘hood; and now this:

A video is out there showing Bieber peeing into a mop bucket in a nightclub hallway—sidenote: I didn’t know she could pee standing up—and then raging through the hallways until finding a spray bottle of Windex and the spraying a picture of a former president and shouting, “F**k Bill Clinton!”

The best part of the video—and you can find it for yourselves, is watching the bodyguard who usually carried Miss Justine like a Baby Doll standing on the stairs watching Justine whip her teeny peeny out for a leak.

Hey, it’s a living, y’all.

Of course, when the video went viral, Miss Justine called the former President to apologize. Clinton ALLEGEDLY responded, “Who is this again?”

Which is what the world will be saying when Justine Bieber finally disappears.

Oh, JLo—or as Carlos calls her, Jello.

In a new interview where she’s been glammed up to look like a low-rent, knock-off Liz Taylor, JLo talks of the time she spent “homeless” before getting her big break as a Fly Girl on In Living Color back in 1991.

Except she wasn’t homeless in the sense of not having a home and sleeping in a cardboard box and panhandling for food, or giant underwear. She was slept-on-a-friend’s-couch homeless.

Plus, she could have stayed home, but, she says, her mother was getting on her nerves:

“My mom and I butted heads. I didn’t want to go to college, I wanted to try dance full-time. So she and I had a break. I started sleeping on the sofa in the dance studio. I was homeless, but I told her, ‘This is what I have to do’. A few months later, I landed a job dancing in Europe. When I got back, I booked In Living Color. I became a Fly Girl and moved to LA. It all happened in a year.”

Homeless? Hardly. She was a self-indulgent little brat who ran away because Mommy was mean. And, read it clearly, ran away to Europe.

Note to Jello: Stop making up stories. You’re a demanding diva with little discernible talent and how you’ve managed to have a career that’s spanned these last twenty years is an amazing feat in and of itself.

But please, stop talking.

I like George Clooney. I think he’s a pretty good actor, and I like his humanitarian efforts in places like Darfur. I am not, however, one of those, Oh my god, he’s gorgeous fans.

But I do like a good story and the story this week that Clooney and longtime girlfriend Stacey Kiebler broke up is a story that will not die.

I mean, they broke up; big deal. Clooney breaks up with all his girlfriends because they each think he’ll marry them when, in fact, Clooney has never given an interview in which he doesn’t say, “I.Will.Never.Marry.Again.”

But these gals try and fail, and end up back in the Nobody Pile where Clooney found them.

However, an interesting note about the Kiebler Breakup—and rumored to have come from Camp Kiebler …where I'm guessing Clooney exes go to try and learn to love again—is that they broke up because they hadn’t had sex in “months” because they were always in different cities and George was hoping Stacey would get the hint and just go.

But the saddest part is that the couple—and this must mean the always in different cities line is true—broke up over the telephone. And not during telephone sex.

The couple ALLEGEDLY handled it like civil people, and Clooney told Kiebler he hoped they could still be friends; and then he gave her ten million bucks.

Checkbook say what?

Clooney girlfriend or high class hooker? You make the call.

Leah Remini used to be on a show called The King of Queens which I never saw, and then she was a co-host on The Talk, which I also never saw until after she got fired for thinking she was the star of the show. But I may have to look into her because Remini, who was a big Scientologist, has just left the church in a big way, and might be ready to talk.

She released a statement for her fans, but did not release a statement as to why she decided to leave the ALLEGED church—and gay bathhouse for Mister Sisters Cruise and Travolta … ALLEGEDLY—because ‘church’ leader David Miscavige, and how he and the church are corrupt, and that his wife is missing though Miscavige and the ‘church’ deny she’s missing.

Here’s Remini’s statement:

“I wish to share my sincere and heartfelt appreciation for the overwhelming positive response I have received from the media, my colleagues, and from fans around the world. I am truly grateful and thankful for all your support.”

Now, about Miscavige and the disappearing wife: Miscavige is married to fellow Sea Org member Shelly Miscavige, but she has not been seen in public in seven years. Sources—and it might be Kelly Preston, planning her escape—ALLEGE that Shelly disappeared from Gold Base—Seriously? Is this a church or a Bond flick?—shortly after filling “several job vacancies without her husband’s permission.” And now she is ALLEGEDLY being guarded at a church facility on Running Springs, California, near Lake Arrowhead. 

Lawyers, who work for the ‘church’ and ALLEGEDLY Shelly Miscavige, says she is not missing and devotes her time to the work of the Church of Scientology. They could not, however, provide any evidence about Shelly location or condition.

When Remini began questioning Shelly’s disappearance, the ‘church’ and Miscavige ALLEGEDLY began making her life intolerable, forcing her into all sorts of what they call ‘auditing’ programs until Remini finally had enough and walked out.

I say three things: 

Good for you, Leah. 

Watch your back Leah. 

And, c’mon Kelly Preston, you can do it, too!

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

It’s been a quiet couple of weeks for Lindsay Lohan as she prepares for her latest role, Rehab Lockdown! The Lindsay Lohan Story!

And she’s been doing all she can to prepare herself for the 90-day stay: she went to Brazil and was photographed sitting on the dirt floor beneath a table in a bar, and then saying she couldn’t start Rehab until she went to drink-and-drug-and-sex fueled Coachella Music Festival—which is where a girl with drink and drug and sex issues needs to hang before she gets locked up, no?

Poor Hugh Jackman and his Huge Ackman. The man cannot get a break at all from The Stalkers and The Crazies.

It seems that just last week one of his crazy ‘fans’ followed him into the gym and threw a razor blade full of, gulp, pubic hair at him. It all went down at Jackman’s gym in NYC where police say the woman was hysterically crying and declaring her undying love for Huge, er, Hugh, and then hurled the razor at him. After she was tossed out of the gym, police caught up with her and arrested her.

Wow. Now, in the hope of being open and honest, I will admit that I, too, was once arrested for tossing my, um, pubic hairs at Hugh Jackman.

Difference was, I was still attached to my pubes when I hurled them at him.

Whoosh. That’s a load off my chest! Or somewhere.

Back at Lindsay…

She is still saying that she won’t go to any rehab that won’t allow her to take her daily dosages of Adderall.

I tried to do the same thing at Promises several years ago when I asked if I could still shoot up while locked away. Yeah, they said ‘No.’

But, it looks more and more likely that that’s what’s going to happen to Lindsay. She’ll be doing  her 90 days at the Seafield Center in Westhampton Beach, New York, close to Enabler-In-Chief, Dina Lohan, and all her dealers. An official source at the Center says that although they allow people to take drugs prescribed by a doctor, they are suspicious of Adderall because of its many abuses—which is precisely what Lohan’s trouble is; folks say they take it for ADHD, when they’re really using it for weight loss and getting high. Seafield says it will wean Lohan off Adderall and give her a less addictive med for ADHD.

Lindsay—who takes so much Adderall she could be the spokes-addict—has told friends that she will refuse an Adderall substitute. She says she’s tried other meds—Really? Quelle surprise!—and Adderall is the only one that works for her.

I want to be in that room when Lindsay says she won’t stay unless she gets her Adderall. I wanna be in the room when the drug addict says I won’t stay in rehab if I can’t keep my drugs.

Um, Linds? That’s been your issue all along.

So, there’s a new list in Hollywood this week which rates the Most Hated Celebrities and the big surprise is that, while Chris Brown is hated, he’s not the most hated.

20. Chris Brown—girlfriend beater

19. Jesse James—adulterer

18. Taylor Swift—serial dater

17. Shia LaBeouf—lunatic

16. Lindsay Lohan—‘nuff said

15. Angelina Jolie—husband stealer

14. Jay Leno—not funny

13. Ashton Kutcher—adulterer

12. LeAnn Rimes—adulterer … I’m sensing a theme

10 and 11. Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian—adulterers/media whores

9. Anne Hathaway—phony humility

8. Justin Bieber—Lesbian

7. Madonna—age old pop star

6. Matt Lauer—news hack

5. Katherine Heigl—really bad actress

4. John Mayer—perv

3. Jennifer Lopez—big ass, no talent

2. Kristen Stewart—adulterer

1. Gwyneth Paltrow—Yes!

I’m in with all the folks on the list, especially with Paltrow at Number One—and you know she’ll twist this into some sort of jealousy vote.

How do you think the list does? Who got left off?

Speaking of Kristen Stewart …

 Remember when she was boning her older man, married to another woman, director?

Keep that in mind as we discuss.

Last November, Kristen signed on to a film called Focus, which was supposed to be about an older male con artist teaching the art of the grift to a young female con artist with no discernible talent. It seemed tailor-made for Stewart,

Ben Affleck was signed on to play the older man love interest and all was good. But then Ben dropped out of the film—probably because his wife, Jennifer Garner, wasn’t keen on him starring opposite Trampy Stewart.

So, Ben’s out, and then Will Smith is in. Yeah, it still sounds like the movie will suck, but … Now  Kristen has pulled out. She says the age difference between Smith and herself is too large a gap.

Age difference? Ben Affleck is 40 years old. Will Smith is 44 years old. There’s not a huge difference between 40 and 44, so is that the real reason Kristen is gone?

Maybe not, because rumor has it that the producers are just letting her save face by saying she’s pulled out when really what happened was that Will Smith wanted a better actress—read: not a whore—to play opposite.

Okay, so we know Jon Hamm is packing his pants. I mean, we’ve seen the evidence. And we’ve heard him ask that we stop talking about his man meat, so I’ll oblige …. Today.

See, I wanna talk about porn star James Deen—the ‘actor'- who played opposite Lohan in The Canyons which will never see the light of day.

It seems Deen, who appeared in an unauthorized’ sex tape with Teen Mom Farrah Abraham, recently admitted that their ‘sex tape’ was actually a porn film and not a leaked sex tape.

Well, Farrah Abraham retaliated by telling anyone and everyone that Deen, um, “had a small penis.” Hmm, hell hath no fury like a woman who seeks fame like a Kardashian.

James Deen responded, “What is her problem???? It is obviously medium sized. On the list of things I care about the size of my penis is number 783.”

Suh-nap. Now, Farrah can go back to her ‘reality’ show and maybe teach her child not to be a fame-whore who has sex on film to make a living, but to maybe get an education and a real job.

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