I Ain't One To Gossip But .....

It’s Lohan Time! We’re less than one month away from Lindsay Lohan being released into the wild and we have some new dish.

As soon as she leaves rehab, makes her first score, and heads East to promote her porn film, The Canyons, Lindsay will do a sit-down with ... wait for it ... holier than thou ... Oprah “Gayle Feed Me A Cookie!” Winfrey!

Set.My.DVR. And, to top it off, Lindsay will film an eight-part reality show for Oprah’s OWN network. Except, ‘reality show’ is too common for the Big O, so they’ve taken to calling it a docu-series. Uh huh. The reality show docu-series, to be filmed this summer and airing in 2014, will follow Lohan as she works to rebuild her career and stay healthy.

So … it’s a comedy? But the really funny part is that Lohan scored a $2 million paycheck from OWN for the rights to film her crashing cars, running over babies, punching psychics, passing out under bars and pretending to be a serious actress.

Justine Bieber got nailed again for trying to drink in a nightclub.

Girrrrl, you ain’t old enough. But because he’s famous, mostly, lately, for being a whiny ass douche, he thinks he’s above the law, but that ain’t how the folks roll in Chi-town.

It all went down at Bodi nightclub in Chicago, when police entered the building after being tipped off that an underage lesbian, Justine Bieber, and his posse, harrumph, were inside the 21-and-older club ALLEGEDLY boozing up a storm. Officials questioned nightclub employees and determined Bieber was, in fact, served alcohol in the club. So police scooped up The Biebs and hurled her tiny ass to the curb, where she sat and cried until a bodyguard scooped her up and put her back into her car-seat.

Justine’s representative, possibly drunk while writing this, released a statement: “Justin Bieber made a brief appearance at Bodi to support his (sic) close friend, DJ Tay James, who was performing at Bodi that evening. Justin was not served any alcoholic beverages while at Bodi.”

Why don’t people just close their doors to this whiny, self-indulgent, possibly lesbian, minimally talented, egotistical twit and save themselves a heap o’trouble?

We never hear from Jason Patric anymore, I mean not since Julia Roberts broke up with him back in the 90s and after he did that awful Speed 2: Cruise Control with Sandra Bullock. But now Jason’s involved in a paternity battle with his baby mama, only there’s more to it than just that.

Here’s the deal: Jason Patric fathered a child with a girlfriend friend named Danielle Schreiber. The child was conceived via Jason’s “sperm donation” and not the usual ‘insert tab P into slot V’ method. And when Jason gave up his spunk, he told Danielle that he wasn’t interested in fatherhood, and that he wanted no part in the child’s life.

Well, Danielle gave birth to Gus, and suddenly Jason was all, ‘Son!’ Danielle did let Jason spend time with Gus but Jason wanted more—of Gus, not Danielle—and began to seek parental rights in court.

Jason is now singing a different tune, though: he says he and Danielle agreed to have a child together and that he has had a “loving relationship” with his son: “I cared for him, I supported him, I raised him along with his mother. No child should have to endure a painful separation from a parent who loves that child because the other parent is no longer willing to share the child and asserts a legal technicality.”

Danielle Schreiber remembers it differently:  “When Jason offered me his sperm, it was under the condition that his donation never be made public and that he would not be a father to the child.”

And last February a judge agreed with Danielle, saying Patric was simply a donor and, because the couple are not together, he couldn’t sue for custody.

Jason Patric will fight on, though someone needs to tell him that just because he jerked off into a cup and gave it to an old girlfriend, does not make him a father.

Need more Bieber? Well, you’re gonna get it anyway.

Miss Justine likes to spit. If you’ll remember, back in March, Bieber spit in his neighbor’s face and threatened to kill the guy because the neighbor complained that Miss Justine was driving recklessly in the neighborhood. 

Now, an Ohio man is ALLEGEDING that Justin Bieber confronted him inside a bar—Wait! Another bar?—and spit in his face because Bieber thought the man was taking pictures of some underage brat drinking in the club.

Huh? Oh, this cannot be true. This doesn’t sound like Bie- I kid. The man—a DJ performing at the Social Room in Columbus, Ohio—called in to a radio show to explain what happened:

“Two of Bieber’s Bouncers approached me and said I was trying to take pictures of Bieber.”

The man thinks Bieber’s Bouncers confronted him because he filmed the Junior Diva drinking in the 21+ club. He says Bieber’s Bouncers grabbed his phone and started going through it looking for pics, though they didn’t find any. And perhaps this is why Miss Justine was pissy and spitty. I mean, she was at the club, and she was getting her drunk on, and this regular Joe didn’t want to take her picture?

Spit. According to the man, Justin approached him moments later, and spouted off some choice words—he “called my mom something, called my dad something, called me something … and spit in my face.”

The DJ immediately had himself tested for hepatitis—because no one knows where Justine’s been, besides pissing in buckets. But the man is continuing on and will press charges against the little pissant spitter

Just sayin’.

Last week we talked about Leah Remini leaving the Scientology cult after basically being a member her entire life; her entire family had been brainwashed for years by the, um, church, so her leaving was a big deal.

As for what prompted it, we know that Leah was put through intense “thought modification” for over five years because she dared to ask what had happened to the long-missing wife of cult leader, David Miscaviage.

Sidenote: other cult members who have also recently “disappeared” are former spokesperson Tommy Davis, and his wife, Jessica Feshbach, who had been Katie Holmes’ minder.

Now that we’re caught up, here’s where we are now: Scientology cow, Kirstie Alley is ALLEGEDLY trying to intimidate Remini against speaking out about the cult via Twitter, saying:

“When faced w malicious gossip I take a moment to experience the loss of the person I thought was my friend… Then I say f*ck em..:) #RISE”

Sources—and you know it’s Travolta hiding out in a massage room—say Alley worked the phones that day, raising a stink with the underlings at Scientology Central about what they were going to do about Remini.  A meeting— held at the home of Melinda Brownstone, a longtime Scientologist—was called for Alley and other celebrities to get a briefing from church executives about what was going on and what they planned to do about it. Afterwards Alley Tweeted this:

 “the sweetest poison is often served with a smile…beware syrup”

…and followed it with this…

“I’m at my friends gorgeous house @minmin1008 love hanging here”

And it seems @minmin1008 is the Twitter address of Melinda Brownstone, who was one of Leah Remini’s first and best friends after Remini moved to Los Angeles at only 13 years of age. Brownstone is the godmother to Remini’s daughter, Sofia. Remini’s sister Shannon is married to Brownstone’s brother, who Melinda cut off ties with earlier.

Brownstone, when reached by phone, said, “You know what? I have nothing to say.”

Like I said last week, keep a watch on Remini lest she disappear, too. And since Kirstie never met a food group she didn’t like, well …….

A while back I posted about Jennifer Lopez’s birthday concert for President Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov, the autocratic despot of Turkmenistan—described by Human Rights Watch as “one of the world’s most repressive countries”—and was paid a cool $1.4 million.

At the time JLo played dumb—not so much of a stretch, really, saying she didn’t talk politics; she just cashes the checks, I’m guessing.

Now, it turns out that JLo is the go-to gal for the tyrants of the world who want to be entertained:

•  In July 2011, Lopez made a million bucks from corrupt Uzbek industrialist Azam Aslanov by singing at the wedding of his son.
• Before that Lopez was paid $1.4 million to perform at the birthday celebration of Moscow businessman, Telman Ismailov, who is ALLEGEDLY engaged in widely reported acts of corruption.
• In September 2012, Lopez was booked by the dictatorship of Azerbaijan to perform at a FIFA soccer tournament for some $2.5 million. While there, Jello—as Carlos calls her—and her peeps met with the dictator’s wife and began negotiating a contract to put together a music festival in Azerbaijan in partnership with Los Angeles-based Creative Artists Agency. The event was initially planned for September 2013 but has been rescheduled to 2014.
• The very next month, October 2012, Lopez traveled to Belarus, the only dictatorship in all of Europe where she took her world tour. Details of her stay, and her engagements, are not public record, and her handlers won’t comment.
• Then in November 2012, Jello traveled to Russia, where she was scheduled to sing happy birthday to Alexander Yolkin, a Russian bureaucrat accused of corruption, who was arrested the day before Lopez’s performance at his birthday party. Lopez, who was paid $2 million for that gig that never happened, has ALLEEGDLY kept the money.

But this is JLo, she has three children to raise, the twins by Marc Anthony, and Little Casper, so she needs to make the best she can, and if singing for thieves and despots keeps her in Louboutins and sequins, well then she just says to the world, ¡chinga tu madre!

But, if the public says it right back to her, maybe she’ll stop whoring herself out to the highest bidder.

I kid.

Let’s get into some fame-whoring, child-pimping, sex-tape selling news from the one and only Kris Jenner.

She has a new talk show to promote because, well, most people with a fully functioning brain won’t watch, so she’s out to do whatever she can. Like let it slip that the Kash Kow and Kanye demon spawn will be shown on the show.

Or, maybe she’ll just fake it all by posting a picture of herself, cuddling a newborn, on Twitter and Facebook, saying:

“You never know who will stop by our show today #WatchKris”.

Trouble is, it was a Rent-a-Baby. Yes, it was a double. And you know who else used doubles in photographs? Saddam Hussein.

Just sayin’.

I loathe Justin Timberlake—Note to self: are all musical Justin’s douche’s?—and he has a new single out called ‘Take Back the Night’ which he is promoting harder than Kris Jenner with a fake baby.

Trouble is, Take Back The Night is also the name of an anti-domestic violence/rape organization that isn’t too keen on Timberlake’s whole coinky-dink theory behind the song title choice. In fact, the group has threatened potential legal action as they feel Justin used the phrase “without permission”.

Now Justin has spoken out about the whole fiasco, insisting that it totally wasn’t on purpose and now that he knows about the real Take Back the Night, he’s working towards stopping violence against women; maybe that means he’ll stop singing. I mean, talk about domestic violence. Amirite?

Thank you! I’ll be here all week!

From this Miss Justine:

“Upon the release of my new single ‘Take Back The Night’, I was made aware of an organization of the same name called The Take Back The Night Foundation. I wanted to take this opportunity to let all know that neither my song nor its lyrics have any association with the organization. As I’ve learned more about The Take Back The Night Foundation, I’m moved by its efforts to stop violence against women, create safe communities and encourage respectful relationships for women — Something we all should rally around. It is my hope that this coincidence will bring more awareness to this cause.”

And more people buying my music so I can continue to bombard the world with my ego.

Okay, maybe that last line was just me.

Somewhere Chris Brown is throwing a chair at a wall.

See, it seems the battering bad driver’s probation has been revoked, and he could be headed to prison for up to four years.

Ah, solitude. For the world!

See, it all started when Brown showed up at court to fight the L.A. County D.A.’s motion to revoke his probation in the Beating Rihanna case in the wake of hit-and-run charges stemming from a car accident in May.

And the judge granted the motion, paving the way for a probation violation hearing in August. If the judge determines Chris violated his probation, the singer could be sentenced to 4 years in prison.

In the meantime, Brown has been released on his own recognizance.

Like I said, solitude, for the world.