I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Sometimes I think it might have been easier to have been born a woman; I mean, except for that whole Visit From Aunt Flo thing. Well, I should clarify: it might have been easier to have been born a certain type of woman; like say, oh, I dunno, Donna Savattere.

See, back in ’05—or maybe ’04—Donna found herself knocked up by Dan Marino.  The affair was kept hush-hush for years thanks to Dan paying Donna literally millions of dollars to flee to Texas and then agreeing to see his, now seven-year-old, daughter through a lawyer.

Sidenote: no truth to the rumor that Donna named her daughter Lottery; her real name is Chloe….Chloe Jackpot. I kid; about the Jackpot part.

Marino agreed to pay Savattere many millions to care for Chloe, if she moved to Texas as part of the deal because he was a faithfully, happily married man. But, while it isn’t velar how many millions Danny gave Donna, she was really able to live the life of a former football star’s wife, or, at least his Baby Mama.

Donna stayed in Texas for a while, but then she returned to New York City, and lives in an apartment on the Upper West Side as well as a house in the Hamptons.

And that's where my quandary comes into play: had I been born a certain kind of woman, I might also be splitting my time between the Big Apple and the Hamptons thanks to Dan Marino’s wandering penis. Just sayin’.

Poor Katie Holmes. Maybe she shouldn’t have gone all Shawshank Redemption on Tom Cruise after all, because her career, such as it is, and was, and, apparently, will be, is falling apart at the seams, and she may have to learn to live on the $400 million Tom pays in child support. Poor dear.

Poor ticket sales, and ALLEGEDLY stiff as a board acting, forced the premature closing of Katie Holmes’s Dead Accounts on Broadway, and now we find out that Katie’s second career, as, um, fashion designer, has also hit the skids.

It’s been confirmed that Holmes & Yang, Katie’s fashion collection that debuted at NY Fashion Week last September, will not be shown at NY Fashion Week next month. No reason was given but, well, you can guess it wasn’t good enough to be at The Tents. In fact, I wonder if they had Heidi Klum tell Katie she was ‘Out’.

Still, being the third ex-Missus TommyGrrl Cruise may have its perks because Women’s Wear Daily, one of those so-called fashion Bibles, is giving the story a different spin, under the headline, "Katie Holmes will be sitting out next month’s New York Fashion Week"...like it was her idea not to show her “collection” at one of the biggest fashion events of the world.

It looks like Katie may be looking to Suri for a bump in her allowance.

Oprah is all for female empowerment and protecting women around the world. We get that. She’s a ladies lady [insert joke here _____ ]. I mean she travels around the world and has done countless shows where she speaks out against female genital.

Again, good for her.

But, um, before she speaks Oprah has a beauty ritual she’s been using for years: she has been using, and being a spokeswhore for, a $150-a-jar face cream that's got foreskins in it.  Yeah. You read that right. Oprah slathers her face in cream made from the snipped bits of baby boy junk. 

Hypocrite. Oprah would never put a clitoris on her face [insert Gayle King joke here _____ ].

Kristen Stewart cracks me up. I mean, her, um, well, for lack of a better word, ‘acting’ is truly comical but when it's her personal life that is true high-larity.

It seems Kristen is jealous of some other Hollywood women like, um, the Jennifer’s, Aniston and Lawrence, and her friends—aka the directors she’s boning—fear she is having a confidence crisis ever since the story broke last year that she screwed, literally, her Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders.

“Kristen’s feeling very sorry for her­self,” a friend—relaxing on the Casting Couch—says. “With the awards season underway, it’s hit her just how much her leading lady status has plummeted. Seeing Jennifer Lawrence be­ing worshipped on the red carpet, winning a Golden Globe and getting nominated for Oscars has really got­ten to her. She’s come out of nowhere and is getting the adulation that Kris­ten used to dream about.”

Except Jennifer Lawrence can act and not just drop to her knees to get a part.

Throw in the fact that when “Men’s Health” magazine released its “Hottest Women of 2013” list, they set Jennifer Law­rence in fourth place and Stewart settled in at, um, well, 89^th. Seriously? 89^th? Not 389^th?

But then there’s her Irrational Aniston Loathing, which ALLEGEDLY is based on the notion that Kristen Stewart is on Team Jolie in The Story That Would Not Die: “Kristen’s always been a big fan of Aniston’s deadly rival Ange­lina Jolie and has never really rated Jen as an actress. She can’t understand why Jen manages to hog the headlines every time with very little effort.”

Like, you know, how Aniston doesn’t need to bang a director to get a headline.

So KStew’s in a stew about other actresses being more popular than she is; other actresses who don’t lay down for a role; other actresses who can really act, and not just play the part of a piece of driftwood washed up beneath the Santa Monica Pier.

On the Lohan front….

Lindsay was back in court this week over her I Lied To The Cops rap, though, at first there was a lot of drama that she might not make it because she was sick. Sick, for Lohan, means nightclubbing and shopping and having your picture taken, which the judge in California sees and even your new hack lawyer knows the judge won’t buy the illness story so he orders the cracktress to jet her ass to La-La-Land.

Outside the court, where Lindsay showed up bra-less, in CFM—Come F**k Me—heels, with her ugliest accessory of all, Dina, her attorney Mark Heller, who now we know can lie like the best of them, said, “Lindsay Lohan is a great beauty with tremendous talent and I believe that all she really needs in life is a little bit of luck.”

By luck he means she needs a little crack and an open safe at Kay Jewelers.

But Lohan did kinda luck out at the hearing because she faced Judge Stephanie Sautner who found her guilty of stealing a necklace from a jewelry store and violating probation two years ago, but then praised the drunkard for completing the terms of her sentence. That's the good news; the bad news is that Sautner is retiring and Lohan will get a new judge next month.

I’m voting Judge Judy.

Still, Sautner said that, if found guilty of being a liar—and, is there any doubt?—Lohan would have to serve 245 days in jail — the remainder of her suspended sentence from a shoplifting conviction. But, even if she gets off for being a liar, the violation of probation standards are lower than Lindsay's standards after two bottles of Grey Goose and she could still face jail time.

Now, on to some funny about the case….When Lohan appeared before Sautner, the first thing the judge said, was, “Glad to see you’re feeling better.”

“Thank you,” Lohan replied.

Heller told the judge Lohan’s doctor diagnosed an upper respiratory condition. “In New York, it’s the flu,” he said.

Sautner snapped, “No, it isn’t. The flu is the flu.”

Now, also in Lohan Land comes the news that she is so broke she may have to move home with Mama Lohan. It’s like having a crackhead move into a meth lab.

A source—and you know it’s Michael Lohan—says, “Lindsay is being forced to live at home with Dina because she can’t afford any other options at the moment… Lindsay is flat-out broke and can’t even afford to rent a two-bedroom apartment in North Hollywood. There’s simply no way she would pass a credit check right now, and even if she could she wouldn’t be able to muster up a security deposit, let alone meet the rent every month. Lindsay’s been telling everyone that she moved to New York because she was sick of Los Angeles. But that’s just not true, she would love to move back west, but she can’t afford to!”

So, new rumors say that Lohan is on the look-out for a new, ahem, wealthy pal with whom she can party and sponge off of in order to get out of Dina’s Crazy Crack Den.

Oh, by the way, in case you missed it, by "wealthy pal," I mean "John with money."