The Heidi Challenge: There Will Be Blood!
But first, gifts await the designers; baskets filled with rose petals, pink peppercorns, mandarin oranges and jasmine leaves. Is it Spa Day? Nope. Tim tells them they'll be creating something for a "very important client."
The Heidi Challenge! There Will Be Tears!
Surprise! In walks Heidi with a Surprise! Her new fragrance, Surprise! And the teams will create four looks for her Surprise! TV and print ads, and two dresses Surprise! for a press event.
The Heidi Challenge! Bring Me Eight Choices!
The designers are given the Heidi Rules: sexy, not slutty; it must use the colors of the Surprise! Bottle: gold, pink and black; and the dress should look great all the way around because it will be photographed at all angles. I see back cut-outs and, maybe, butt-crack couture.
Let’s rip……
TEAM KEEPING IT REAL: The Winners (Surprise!)
“We really listen to each other.” – Layana
“I need to show them I’m a fighter.” – Kate
Since their team never loses—for now—Layana and Kate also paired up to create a Commercial Look. Layana, who has immunity from last week—Thanks to Daniel and …. keep that in mind for later—is just a wreck. Not at the start, but as Tim offers his critique she goes shrill about the fabric and the pink and the corset and the dress; all things that had already been decided upon. I don’t know if it was a play for attention, but I seriously wanted to reach through the TV and Cher-slap her: Snap out of it!
But then Kate gets my last nerve flaring when she belittles Daniel for not using silk. He’s not using silk on Heidi Klum? She apparently suffers from short term memory loss, forgetting that she and Layana spent $350 of their $200 budget and Daniel gave them his leftover cash.
“It’s the perfect combination for the ad campaign.” – Layana
“It fits her like a glove.” – Kate
Their dress was the clear winner. It was So Heidi. But, again, when they asked who should win the challenge Layana forgot to Pay It Forward and said they worked fifty-fifty; fifty percent of the time she was a crazy puppet-headed shrieker and fifty percent of the time Kate was making a dress. Luckily the judges gave the win to Kate.
Heidi liked the soft and hard aspects of the gown; I imagine she liked that Her Girls would be up and proud, too. The Adorable Zac Posen™ loved the way it draped, the dimension and the shadow, though he wasn’t so keen on the corset in the back, or the fact that the bottom of the corset wasn’t layered under another piece of black chiffon. He also questioned the color.
Nina said it had beautiful movement, perfect for the ad campaign, while guest judge, Kristen Davis, loved the pink underlying corset and thought it had a ballet inspiration.
So Kate gets a Heidi Klum credit on her resume.
So Kate gets a Heidi Klum credit on her resume.
“I think I am really good. I’ve worked hard all my life. I’ve been up and I’ve been down. I take this very seriously.”
Um, so now he’s channeling Frank Sinatra’s That’s Life:
I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king.
I've been up and down and over and out
But I know one thing:
Each time I find myself flat on my face,
I pick myself up and get back in the race.
A poet, a pawn and a king.
I've been up and down and over and out
But I know one thing:
Each time I find myself flat on my face,
I pick myself up and get back in the race.
Project Karaoke?
Daniel has become that wacky combination of Church Lady and Naughty School Boy. In one of his confessionals, he almost F-bombs, and then covers his mouth with a demure gloved hand … or so it seemed. I’m growing tired of his I worked so hard and I trained myself and I deserve this. Plus, was he wearing an antler around his neck again? Someone needs a time out.
“Everything is looking perfection.”
Someone also needs to be knocked down a peg. I liked his look. Liked. To me, though, the judges, except for The Adorable Zac Posen™, over-praised it. It was pretty, and it moved well, and the leather trim was nice. But the color seemed wrong and it didn’t seem at all showy like a Heidi Klum dress.
Heidi liked the lines of the dress and the silhouette, and the fact that it verged on being kind of sporty. Kristen Davis thought it fit the model’s body very well, but also called it kind of basic. Nina praised the construction and the shape, but thought the fabric looked inexpensive. The Adorable Zac Posen™ loved the leather work but hates the color and said it really wasn’t very original.
Daniel gets the Second Win in this challenge and I sense tears and another Sally Field moment a’coming.
“I’m worried that I may have bitten off more than I can handle.”
I am starting to like March To My Own Drummer Patricia. I mean, she has the balls to cut out little leather squares and sew them into a new textile? On a one day challenge? She has it hands down on craftsmanship and innovation; she also has it hands down on talking and talking.
But, she could have used more time. The top was cute, but the bottom seemed unfinished. I wanted more gold leather squares and less nude skirt. Plus, with the gold leather squares being shorter than the skirt it didn’t seem like it fit.
“My look really stands out.”
Nina liked it, and thought it was an interesting change for Heidi who usually goes for the Boobs Up and Legs Out kind of dress. The Adorable Zac Posen™ loved her technique and craftsmanship, calling it abstract, cool and fresh. Heidi also liked that it was a new shape for her, and loved the artistry and even the boxiness of it. Kristen Davis loved the Art Of The Dress, but wondered if it was flattering. While some of the judges thought it too boxy, and not body hugging enough, for Heidi, she actually liked the look and, had it been truly finished, I think it might have won—or at least beaten Daniel’s yawn.
DREAM TEAM: The Losers (Surprise!)
“There’s an expectation that you should be able to nail this.”
Matthew threw in the towel before he even started. He said he wasn’t a ‘dressmaker’ but then no one said he had to make a dress. He also called the fetish look dress he made ‘boring’ which leads me to wonder what kinda nasty pig boy Matthew is at home.
His one big complaint is that he doesn’t want to be generic but then he goes avant-generic in his designs. It’s like he wanted to go bondage on Heidi but stopped just shy of it, like somewhere around Cheap Las Vegas Hotel Cocktail Girl Bondage.
"The colors are boring, the material is boring, my idea is boring."
Forgot one thing, Matthew: you’re boring, and on the verge of going home.
“I’m thinking, Oh sh*t I hate it.”
Which is what I thought, and what most of the judges thought. I mean, c’mon, a tube dress? Seriously? I can’t thread a needle but even I can make a tube dress and slap a Robert Palmer Addicted To Love thin leather tie on it. Plus, could that dress have been any shorter? Ladybits, people, you could almost see her ladybits. This isn’t Project Gynecological Exam for Couture’s Sake!
The Adorable Zac Posen™ doesn’t see how it relates to Surprise! He calls that middle strap a bit trashy. Heidi simply wondered what Matthew had done with the whip that obviously went with the dress.
Nina said the Surprise! was that Heidi was now a dominatrix, while Kristen Davis uttered these words, “I would die if someone asked me to where that …. No offense.”
Matt, though, was safe, for making a piece of sh*t because there was more ugly to come.
“I’m being asked to design something that’s totally in my comfort zone.”
This week Benjamin is the designer who has this in the bag! This is what he does! This is up his alley! He’s gonna crash and burn! And then cry! His idea was fabulous, but his execution should have been executed; and by that, I mean taken out and shot.
When we get his confessional, Benjamin tells us that he's just came out of an abusive relationship and right into the PR. Probably not a good idea to go right from the fire into the frying pan where you get no sleep at all, work like a dog, are told you suck and, possibly, are sent packing.
“Please, please, don’t let the top part fall down.”
This mess looked like he’d found some old sheets in a dumpster on Long Island, and then used leather straps to bind it onto his model. It was just the most awful thing I’ve seen, and then Benjamin makes it worse by coming up with all sorts of excuses and theories and explanations for this Ugly.
Nina called it "probably the worst construction" in PR history, and then added that the model looked like she’d been shipwrecked. She then finished Benjamin off by saying it looked like the model had rolled around on the ground in the dress and then rolled into some leather belts. I j’adore Nina Garcia.
Kristen Davis liked the color, but was in agony as she looked at the model's breasts being bound and gagged and smushed. heidi called them 'sad and droopy,' while The Adorable Zac Posen™ called them ‘mushy breasts’ and then got the last word in by telling Benjamin to slow down on the excuses; he designed it, he made it, own it.
In its Ugly, So Ugly, You Should Have Been Sent Home glory, Benjamin was somehow safe, and I think he owes Cindy a very large muffin basket.
“This new dress is sexier than anything I’ve ever made before.”
Nice lady, but maybe she should go back to Cadaver Couture because she makes really bad choices. Like what Benjamin called the Madonna Material Girl Pink and the--I learned it’s called Shantung--pink and gold shimmery, yet unbelievably ugly, fabric. Cindy asks advice from her peers: "Which is better: the pink taffeta or the iridescent pink shantung?" Uh, have you got anything less suited for an 80s prom dress, Cindy?
And then Cindy U-turned, and began listening to Benjamin after complaining non-stop last week that he micro-managed her. Maybe she thought he could save her, but he barely saved himself. Her fabric choice could have used a bit of "micro-management" but maybe all her complaints about not needing help were finally heard and her team decided to let her crash and burn alone.
“I really do love this fabric.”
Cindy’s shimmering mess was just no good; she called it sexy because there was an itty-bitty, teeny-weeny slit in the front. Honey? No. This is Heidi you’re designing for, and Heidi’s girls are out and proud and on full display. Her dress was, well, average. It wasn’t fashion. It was Funeral Home director goes to see Wayne Newton.
Heidi noted that a slit down the front doesn’t make the dress sexy and also didn’t like that the dress didn’t hug the model’s body; that would have been sensual and sexy. The Adorable Zac Posen™ said she chose a hard fabric to photograph because it shows every wrinkle and crinkle—how adorable when he says crinkle—and fold. Then he called it scary. Nina said the iridescent fabric was cheap and Kristen Davis said it looked a little old—like something she’d worn on Sex and The City in 1998.
So, while Benjamin should have gone home, perhaps his dress, while whore-rendous, did have a sense of fashion, and a shimmer of hope, while Cindy’s dress was her third time at the bottom and seemed just hopeless.
"This is so much harder than it looks on TV!"
And now you can go back to watching on TV.
MY TAKE
Can we please rename these teams? I don’t think they could be any worse and I doubt if the Dream Team realized they’d be stuck with that moniker through three straight losses.
Now, for the problems with the "team" format: the winning team this week had two of the worst dresses in the show. The Adorable Zac Posen™ called Richard’s dress a ‘ruffled fart’ and Stanley got busted for too much bling on a sequined dress. Plus, Michelle seems to be really good but she gets no judging critiques because she’s one of the best designers on the worst team. Hopefully as numbers dwindle, the teams will be shaken up a bit. That also might add more drama.
Tu, who? We never get to see much of him or Samantha because they are so middle-of-the-road on the really bad team that they get no screen time.
I will forgive The Adorable Zac Posen™ for his Red Velvet Cake Little Lord Fauntleroy outfit because he is just so incredibly edibly adorable.
And finally, Daniel, after being critiqued by The Adorable Zac Posen™ said, um, ‘Thank you Zac.’
You are not on a first-name basis with The Adorable Zac Posen™ and even if you are you will address him as The Adorable Zac Posen™.
I may be going over the edge there, but it’s too late to reach back for a branch.
What did YOU think?
What did YOU think?
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