They met in 1959, and fell in love almost immediately. But, except for a few close friends they told almost no one about their love because it was a different America back then; an America where they had to hide, or risk losing their homes and jobs and, well, maybe even their lives.
But times have changed since 1959, and this July John Darby and Jack Bird will celebrate their 54th anniversary as a couple, and their 5th anniversary as a legally married couple.
In 1959, John Darby was visiting friends in San Francisco, and went to a party, feeling, as he says, like a “closeted tourist."
"It was just something you didn't talk about. There was a lot of homophobia in the late 1950s and early 1960s."—John Darby
In those days, gay men didn’t have lovers or boyfriends, as least not openly. Many of these men lived with their male ‘assistants, and never talked about their private lives. Oh, people knew The Gays were around, but it just wasn’t discussed.
"It was the society we lived in. I learned I was gay, but I hid it."—Jack Bird
"We didn't talk about it with our families. We just expected them to understand but didn't want to rub their noses in it."—John Darby
John Darby had one of those male ‘roommates’ when he met Jack Bird at that party in 1959, but that all ended before the party was over. He’d gone to used the bathroom and found a line of men waiting to do the same; one of those men was Jack Bird.
"I fell in love."—John Darby
Within six months, the couple considered themselves engaged, though secretly so, and found an apartment across the bay from San Francisco, in Sausalito.
"Thank god we had a broad-minded real estate agent.”—John Darby
And then, after moving in, they found that the two women next door weren’t just roommates, too. Still, it wasn’t easy for John and Jack. For the most part, they didn't tell any of their relatives about their union; Jack Bird’s aunt and uncle, though, were happy that he had a housemate to share expenses.
But, in the summer of 1960, the couple took a trip to Carmel to visit family, and it was not a happy vacation. One aunt drove Darby to tears when she demanded he abandon the relationship. But they kept on, and two years later they purchased a house together.
Darby and Bird could be a couple in front of their gay friends, but had little contact with straight couples, out of fear of being exposed. Both men had successful careers and lived in fear of losing their jobs if anyone found out.
"We never held hands; never kissed or made overt gestures of affection in those days. Today, hell, we touch each other quite often."—John Darby
Gradually, though, they did decide to be more open with straight friends and co-workers, though they still felt the sting of prejudice and homophobia. John Darby remembers attending a work conference in 1980, and the first speaker opened with a ‘joke’: "Do you know what is magical about AIDS?"
But, when marriage equality because legal—for a short time—in California, John Darby and Jack Bird knew they had to get married. They ran down to City Hall, but found it 'an absolute zoo' so they raced across the bridge to Marin County to get their marriage license. They wed in San Francisco in 2008. A friend made their wave-design wedding rings, and, after nearly fifty-years together, they ate a cake with two male figures on the top.
"I will always remember putting this on his finger. It was a marvelous day. It is so important to realize that gay life is so much more than just sex; it is love. It would be lovely if we could die together, just go to sleep holding hands and let relatives get rid of everything for us."—John Darby
When they were finally allowed to marry, John and Jack were back in San Francisco, living in an apartment in San Francisco Towers, an Episcopal residential care facility for seniors. They got quite the surprise when news of their wedding spread.
"What was really amazing was two days later there was a bag hanging on our door with a bottle of champagne and a card from an elderly widow who I thought didn't even know what the word 'gay' meant. [Another] group of residents had a big dinner party to congratulate us," Darby said. "There were some people who never spoke to us again. What do you expect?"—John Darby
The funny thing is that when John and Jack into the Towers in 1998, they were told two men couldn't share a single-bedroom apartment, so they got a two-bedroom unit and used the second to maintain a facade and a home office. Today, a photo of the couple is used in promotional material for the Towers.
Darby laughs, recalling the times he’s been asked who is the husband and who is the wife in the relationship.
"Asking a gay couple which one is the wife is like asking chopsticks which is the fork. We just work together. We went from being friends to dating; became partners and became spouses. Not husband and wife."—John Darby
For fifty-four years, five of them as Husband and Husband.
Happy early anniversary John and Jack.
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