I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Okay, so this was Lindsay Lohan’s big premiere week. No, silly, not for some craptastic TV movie, or direct-to-cable film, but her trial for lying to the cops about being drunk and crashing into a truck on the PCH last June.

True to form, Lindsay arrived 50 minutes late to court, dressed as a low-class hooker, but she didn’t have to do anything other than sit there and look appropriately pathetic while her lawyers try to save her ass from jail …. Again! And while there had been a thirty day plea deal—basically house arrest and another SCRAM anklet to test for alcohol—Lohan turned that down. She ended up pleaded “No Contest” to two of the three charges, which is like saying “I did it, but I don’t want to say I did it.”

So, Lindsay will head to a 90-day rehab lock-down facility in New York, meaning no Day Passes for shopping and drug buys and bailing her Mom out of financial woes. She was also given 5 days of jail time, though that has been “folded” into her rehab stay, meaning she won’t have to go to jail at all. She must also to perform 30 days of community labor after lockdown and schedule 18 months of therapy; she is required to submit to drug testing and to stay away from drug users—so, she’s moving out of Dina’s house?—and the judge also warned her “not to drive.” That's not part of the sentence though that remains one of her biggest problems.

Lohan also admitted to violating her probation from the jewelry heist, and was sentenced to 180 days in jail, but that sentence was stayed and she won’t do time if she continues to obey all laws. So, a slap on the wrist, and probably not the one holding the vodka bottle and the car keys. How does she manage to get so lucky? Well, here’s a look at Lohan’s arrest record so we can all wonder why she hasn’t done serious jail time:

May 26, 2007: After her first stint at rehab, Lohan’s Mercedes strikes a curb outside an LA club. She is arrested for suspicion of driving under the influence, and police find cocaine at the scene. Two days later, Lohan checks into an intensive medical rehab facility, again.

July 2007: Lohan checks out of Promises rehab on July 14 and celebrates in Vegas. On July 24, Lohan is taken into custody in Santa Monica on suspicion of driving under the influence, driving on a suspended license and possession of cocaine after she gets into a verbal argument with a woman whom she chased in her SUV. She is charged with seven misdemeanor counts in relation to two DUI arrests, spends one day in jail, and goes back to rehab for the third time; she's also given three years of probation.

Aug. 23, 2007: Lohan pleads guilty to misdemeanor cocaine use and DUI, and is again sentenced to one day in jail, 10 days of community service, along with the completion of a drug-treatment program. She is given 3 more years probation and required to complete an 18-month alcohol-education program.

Nov. 15, 2007: Lohan spends a 84 minutes in a California jail before being released due to overcrowding.

March 13-16, 2009: A judge issues a $50,000 warrant related to Lindsay Lohan’s May 2007 DUI arrest only to rescind it three days later after her attorney shows that Lohan has been complying with the terms of her probation.

Oct. 16, 2009: After arriving an hour late to a probation hearing Lohan is given another year of probation due to failure to complete alcohol-education classes.

May 20, 2010: Lohan’s probation is revoked and a bench warrant is issued for her arrest after she skips a court date to attend the Cannes film festival; she claims she couldn’t get back because “her passport was stolen.” The judge sets her bail at $100,000, which she later pays to win her freedom.

May 24, 2010: Lohan is fitted with an alcohol-monitoring SCRAM anklet and ordered to refrain from drugs and booze and undergo weekly random drug testing as conditions of her bail.

June 8, 2010: A judge rules Lindsay’s in violation of her probation, hikes her bail to $200,000 and issues a new bench warrant for her arrest after Lindsay’s SCRAM anklet lights up at an MTV Movie Awards after-party. The warrant is recalled after a bail bondsman covers Lohan’s bond.

July 6, 2010: Lohan is sentenced to 90 days in jail for failing to attend her court-ordered weekly alcohol education classes.

July 20, 2010: Lindsay surrenders, but serves just two weeks before being released due to prison overcrowding and the non-violent nature of her crime. Lohan is later taken to UCLA Medical Center to begin her court-ordered rehab, nut is once again released early and permitted to continue her treatment on an outpatient basis.

September 2010: After failing a drug test, Lohan’s probation is revoked again and she later spends one day in jail. Days later, she is sent to the Betty Ford Center, where she remained for three months.

Feb. 9, 2011: Lohan is taken back into custody after pleading not guilty to a burglary charge for stealing a $2,500 necklace from a jewelry store. She is sentenced to 120 days in jail, 360 hours of community service at an LA women’s shelter and 120 hours service at the County morgue. Due to overcrowding, she is assigned house arrest and ordered to wear a tracking ankle monitor for 35 days.

Apr. 22, 2011: Lohan is given 120 days in county jail and 480 hours of community service after a judge finds she violated her probation on the 2007 DUI. At the same time, her necklace-jacking charge is knocked down to a misdemeanor.

May 26, 2011: Lohan is released from a California jail due to overcrowding and serves out the rest of her stint under house arrest.

Oct. 19, 2011: Lohan’s probation is revoked again, after failing to complete her court-ordered community service; she gets out after posting $100,000 bail.

November 2011: Lohan was sentenced to 30 days in county jail and community service after she admitted to violating a past court order by failing to complete previously ordered community service.

March 14, 2012: Lohan is accused of sideswiping a person with her car outside a Hollywood bar, and then fleeing the scene. L.A. prosecutors decline to prosecute, citing “no direct evidence.”

March 29, 2012: Lohan finally completes the probation in her 2007 DUI case and is placed on informal probation for the necklace theft.

June 2012: Lohan is taken to the hospital after crashing her Porsche into a tractor-trailer on the Pacific Coast Highway. It is reported that Lohan may have lied to police about who was actually behind the wheel after saying she was in the passenger seat.

Sept. 19, 2012: Lohan was arrested on suspicion of leaving the scene of an accident when a man claimed she hit his knee while trying to park her Porsche Cayenne near the Dream Hotel. Prosecutors ultimately dropped the charges citing insufficient evidence.

Oct. 10, 2012: Cops respond to a disturbance call at the Long Island home where Lindsay is staying with her mother, Dina Lohan, after the two allegedly have a massive blowout. No charges are filed.

Nov. 29, 2012: Lohan is arrested again after police said she hit a woman in the face during an argument at an NYC bar. She is charged with third-degree assault.March 19, 2013: Lohan is sentenced to 90 days in rehab lockdown in her lying to the police case.

Anyone else would have done serious jail time years ago. But, I’ll just say it, she’s white and she’s famous.

Now for something stupid.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are self-obsessed idiots; we know that.

But now they have gone and done the most ridiculous thing ever by getting matching commitment tattoos. They have each other’s names tattooed, leaving a big space for the baby’s name, so they all intertwine.

My hope is that the tats were done in erasable ink, making it easier for all parties to forget this ever happened, because, you know they will end up divorced in a hot minute if they ever get married at all.

Now, on to Lohan’s lawyer, Mark Heller.

It seems he is the subject of a possible witness tampering investigation after allegations surfaced that he tried to manipulate Lindsay’s former assistant into lying on the stand.

The Santa Monica City Attorney will be launching an investigation and will interview Lohan’s ex-assistant Gavin Doyle tomorrow in the presence of police. Prosecutors believe Heller may have approached Gavin and tried to get him to admit that he was the one driving the vehicle when Lohan’s Porsche crashed into a big rig on Pacific Coast Highway last summer, and it seems that Gavin has told multiple people about the alleged witness tampering, including an officer of the court.

As for Heller, he has strongly stated that any accusation of witness tampering on his part is “crazy.”

Crazy as a Lohan lawyer. Maybe he and his client will one day have adjoining cells.

More on the Kash Kow, Kim Kardashian.

We all know Anna Wintour hates the Kash Kow—which makes me love Wintour in spite of the fear she instills in me.

This Kardashian Hate-a-thon has been going on for a while, but Wintour took it to the next level last year when one of her favorite men, Kanye West, began dating the Kash Kow. Anna refused to extend an invitation to Kim for last year’s Met Gala, and sources claimed Anna openly snubbed Kim during New York Fashion Week last fall.

Now comes word that Anna will also ban Kim from this year’s Met Gala too, even though Kanye is set to perform. It seems that Anna won’t let Kim be Kanye’s plus one, but, she might, might let Kim in if she buys a ticket.

But with divorce and alimony on her plate, will she have the money? Will Kanye pop for it? Will Anna Wintour push a pregnant Kash Kow down a long flight of stairs? Stay tuned …. for the next episode.

More on Lohan, Dina, Lohan.

A few days ago, Dina Lohan was at the ROCK ART LOVE auction in New York—though how she manages to go out and party all the time when she’s a self-professed stay-at-home single mother is beyond me—and rumor has it she was drunker than a Dr Phil sit-down guest. And she was so out of her mind on Chardon-quila that she was an utter disruption at the auction.

“There was a dinner and it’s safe to say that Dina was drunk by the end of it,” says our spy—AKA Michael Lohan. “She said the self-serve steak on the table was the best steak she had ever eaten. And when someone would receive an award, Dina would start clapping and stand up, the only one in the room standing.”

And then during the auction, Dina was so ALLEGEDLY tanked that, while she was “clapping and raising her hands in the air” the auction leader was forced to shout: “Ma’am, I have to remind you, when I see your hands above your eyebrows it means that you are bidding.”

Dina was told to stop jiggling, which is hard for an ALLEGED crackwhore, meth-head.

Dina, spotted getting wine refill after refill, while laughing to herself and getting a neck rub at the table from a massage therapist who stopped by … to talk!

And we wonder how Lindsay ended up like, well, Dina. Fully Loaded?!?

Where in the world is Matt Lauer?

Most folks don’t care because, after the disastrous way Ann Curry was fired by The Today Show, ALLEGEDLY at Lauer’s insistence, most people don’t like him. Now comes word that his $25-million-a-year contract with NBC will not be renewed.

What is ‘What’s a pariah to do?’ Alex?

Perhaps, according to the New York Post which says that in 2016, 72-year-old Alex Trebek will retire as host of Jeopardy! and Sony Pictures Television, who owns the show, is already putting together a list of possible replacements and Matt Lauer is at the top that list.

Hmm, I’ll take Shows I’ll Stop Watching for $100, please.

Beth Ditto, lead singer of The Gossip, was arrested in Portland on Friday for “disorderly conduct.” Translation: girl was blackout drunk and violent in public.

Her evening of drunk and disorderly began at The Bungalow Bar where she was ALLEGEDLY kicked out for being “too drunk.” That lead to what folks are calling The Amanda Bynes Moment, when Ditto, after getting bounced out, ran into the street, threw off her shoes, and shouted, “Obama! Obama!”

Police were called and witnesses say Beth was completely blackout drunk and challenging people to fights. Beth and her posse had gotten so drunk that she actually kicked the bartender in the groin before getting kicked to the curb. Literally.

Someone needs to lay off the sauce, or maybe get a Two-Fer with Lindsay at rehab.

Filed Under: This is a problem?

The new season of Mad Men is almost here and people are talking …. about Jon Hamm’s rather impressive, um, package.

An AMC insider says that during filming of the upcoming sixth season of the hit show—when the ’60s-style clothing was a tight fit—Hamm was politely instructed by a staffer to please wear underwear while shooting his scenes. The source—and how can I get the job where I look at Jon Hamm’s crotch for a living—says, “This season takes place in the 1960s, where the pants are very tight and leave little to the imagination. Jon’s impressive anatomy is so distracting that they politely insisted on underwear.”

In fact, rumor has it that AMC's marketing team had to Photoshop certain, um, areas, according to the source: “His privates are the inside joke. (Hamm) knows what he’s got. Imagine how distracting that would be on the side of a bus or building."

Oh, I am …. I am.

Not all are so keen on this story; a representative for Hamm says, “It is ridiculous and not really funny at all. I’d appreciate you taking the high road and not resorting to something childish like this that’s been blogged about 1,000 times.”

High road? Me? Perish the thought!