This week we get the obligatory story from the designers about how now the game is on, because all it takes is one mistake and you’re out. Um, designers? The tagline of the show since it began is ‘One day you’re in, one day you’re out.’ So, why does it take y’all six weeks until you become surprised that’s how it works?
Ben brags about his success last week and how He\’s back, baby. But, um, he’s bragging to Richard who actually won last week so someone needs to remove Benjamin’s Delusional IV Drip STAT.
Now, Michelle, always a bridesmaid never a bride, until last week when the judges finally talked to her. And she doesn’t get it because she’s so good and Patricia sucks at just about everything and everyone should know it but they don’t and Please oh please, God don’t let me get partnered with Patricia.
So, naturally, the Button Bag makes another appearance and Michelle is put on Patricia’s team. Show of hands of anyone who didn’t see that coming a mile away …. Anyone? Just as I thought.
This week is the Real Woman Challenge, with a twist. The real women are older women; feisty, some, but older. But, Amanda has this you know, because this is in her wheelhouse; she designs for real old women …. Or something. That said, let’s rip……
SAFE
LAYANA MICHELLE PATRICIA
I like Michelle; she’s funny, snarly, bitchy ….. She’s me, with a vagina.
Ooh, I think I threw up a little in my mouth, but anyway …. She’s always been on the Bottom because other designers on her team have sucked something awful. Last week she sucked, but at least it was because she sucked herself.
Oh dear, throwing up a little more.
That said, Michelle’s dress was fun and flirty, and Layana’s dress, while I loathed the color—bruise isn’t a good color on anyone even if you call it eggplant—was fine, too. Patricia’s was a poncho turned shawl turned potato sack that became a burlap bag and was so awful it dragged Michelle and Layana out of the top and into the Middle.
Luckily, I guess, because it could have been worse. But, again, Michelle, never a bride …..
TOP TWO .... with the winner
STANLEY & RICHARD
I kinda got the worry vibe about Stanley, whom I still adore, because during Tim’s visit he hadn’t sewn a single thing. And then he says, 'Oh I can finish' and I flashback to weeks past when he is slipping his dress on the model as they walk out the door. So, I’m worried, and a bit annoyed that one of those older real women was able to grab his ass while I sat here all alone, and jealous, and stuff.
But I think he got lucky, because he got a Model-sized Real Woman who was, to start with, elegant and classy and sexy, and all she needed was a little boost from a bolero jacket and a one-piece pantsuit.
His look was so sexy, and his model looked so fabulous, I wanted to book a flight to NYC, find that dance studio and ask that woman to dance. Now that’s good design when it makes me wanna ask a woman to dance!
Heidi liked his look, but thought the pants were too short. Rachel Roy, working my last nerve because she was sitting in for The Adorable Zac Posen™ and I needed a little TAZP™ this week, said Stanley captured the class and elegance, and regalness of his client. Guest Judge Joan Rivers said his model looked like a Second Wife—you know, who gets the good jewelry and clothes—and was age appropriate sexy. Nina said, even with the faults in the pants—bad length and the wonky crotch—it was nearly impeccable and he didn’t play it safe like ….
Richard. I didn’t like his look nearly as much as the judges. It was shapeless, and the front had some weird detail that looked like the dress was meant to have a drawstring and it was pulled out at the last minute. It looked like a pool cover-up. Me, no like. But Heidi did, go figure, since The Girls were entirely covered. Joan loved the easiness of it, and the fact that the woman had great legs and should show them off: “You’ve got great knees! So show ‘em, bitch!” Nina liked the easy silhouette but thought the fabric drowned out the client. Rachel Roy thought it the most youthful of all on the runway last night.
But, Stanley gets the win, and it was well-deserved. There was no doubt that his was the best thing walking
TOP TWO
DANIEL & SAMANTHA
Daniel, who was stunned, I tell ya, stunned that he was in the bottom last week, and was told that his looks were dated, vows that he will never go bottoming again …. At least not on TV, and thank the goddess for that!
But, he struggled and had all kinds of questions while working. He kept asking Samantha what he should do, and then would tell her what he was gonna do, and what it was gonna look like; I was waiting for her, begging for her, to use that mustache hair, thread a needle and sew his mouth shut. Please.
Daniel’s client wanted sexy cruise wear and something in black-and-white, and he gave her what, to me, looked safe and dull and not black-and-white. Sure, he went all twisty and gave her just one color, and a sleeve detail and a waist detail, but it was a black suit she could have gotten just about anywhere. I’m guessing the judges hated Patricia’s outfit so violently that Daniel owes her a muffin basket because his look, and Samantha’s, would have gone middle ground if Patricia was exed out of Team MichLay.
Heidi praised him for pleasing the client, and being true to his own aesthetic. Nina simply said ‘Welcome back’ though I did notice she had taken off her shoe just in case she had to throw it at him again. Joan Rivers said she looked great, but she looked like a First Wife—the one you have until you make a little money and then dump her and get a younger model on whom you can shower jewels and great clothes. Rachel Roy loved the neck, the waist and the sleeves, but, if that’s all you like, you have a half-nekkid elderly woman and that can’t be good. Melissa Rivers—who guested because she’s always Joan’s Plus One—thought it could have used more pop.
As for Samantha, her client said she loved leopard and that was all Samantha needed to hear. Leopard. Leopard skirt, with a chartreuse top and a big black bow.
Yes, she did. Her client has tattoos and anklets and just lost 30+ pounds and wanted to rock an outfit. I wanted to throw a rock at it. I found it looked a little too much like mash-up of Carol Burnett as Mrs. Wiggins and Cher as Laverne.
Joan Rivers called her a ‘menopausal kitten’ and said it had an 'I’m-not-dead-yet' vibe; I think those are compliments. Heidi loved the model’s sassy attitude but actually hated the outfit, while Nina thought that the tattooed woman should have been given princess sleeves and a bow.
But, they got a second place, and, like I said, should thank Patricia for bringing down that other team.
BOTTOM TWO
KATE & TU
They’re a cute, nonsexual, non-threatening team, though they have their issues. Tu’s English is as undecipherable as his sewing skills and Kate’s an elderly woman living on a fixed income trapped inside a twenty-something’s body.
Tu’s dress was a good idea, but he couldn’t execute it; well, he did execute it, but not in the way we’d like to think; he killed it, and not in the way you think. He murdered it and not …. It was bad, y’all. It was a great color, but he was far too ambitious in his design. When Tim asked him if he wasn’t being too ambitious, Tu said, Thank you.
Not how he meant it, Tu.
There were pleats left unsewn and hemlines that wobbled and, well, thanks to Kate, a slight, badly executed rescue of the whole mess by employing that age-old fix-it tip: put a belt on it.
Yes, rather than sew the dress, or maybe add buttons, Tu’s client was belted into her dress. And I use the term ‘dress’ loosely—almost as loosely as the dress fit the model—because it looked like a green horseblanket thrown over a woman with a belt on it.
My six-year-old ….. cat ….. could do better.
Nina praised the color, but thought it was way too much fabric; Tu explained that he should have used a twin-bed blanket but all they had at Mood, Bath and Beyond was the King-sized blanket. Heidi was the first to call out the fact that the dress didn’t look like it was even together, while the Immortal—because she’s like a thousand years old—Joan Rivers said, You’ve got no f**king idea in h*ll who you’re designing for.”
And Tu smiled. I think he thought it was a compliment.
Kate, on the other hand, even after Tim was worried about the black fabric and the white print, made a really classy dress for her client. Had she not been paired with Tu, I think she would have gone Top Three.
Nina loved the fabrics and thought the print was both joyful and age appropriate, and Joan said the client was as happy as John Travolta in a massage parlor, though, because of Tu there was no Happy Ending. And Heidi said that; Tu’s bad dress dragged Kate into the bottom.
BOTTOM TWO .... with the Aufee
AMANDA & BENJAMIN
Amanda was a mess this week. She’d wanted to do something structured and then picked out a flimsy fabric with no structure at all; and I don’t care what anyone says, that was one awful print. So, she meandered and twirled and pouted and nearly came to tears because she just couldn’t do this, though it’s what she says she always does, dress the normal woman.
Not this time.
It went from being structured to being a vintage housecoat to being one hot mess from the front and one ginormous disaster from the back. Flouncy sleeves and a kicky skirt, with a loop-de-loop neckline, and then the back panels seemed to be glued together to make them more, I dunno, all I could think was ugly.
Rachel Roy loved the print—but she was wrong, I tell ya—but from the neck down it was one mistake after another. Joan was disgusted by the bad hemline and the bad sleeves and the fact that it was all kinds of wrong. Heidi thought it was too flowy and also wondered about the glued back; did she sit in something? Eeew. Nina called it undignified, and said it looked like a dress for a child.
That said, as I watched the episode back, when Amanda had her client meeting, the client looked like she was wearing almost the same dress—though not as hideous. Did Amanda not notice that her print was strikingly similar to the client’s original outfit; and the style, while awful, was close, too?
Amanda really should have gone home because this was awful from head to toe and back to front and upside down.
Benjamin got the fun spunky model and then put her in a Silk Turquoise Straightjacket Dress. He did himself in because he spent most of the episode thinking about how good he was last week—he’d also forgotten the One Day You’re In, One Day You’re Out mantra—and just couldn’t recover.
Of course, that hideous, puckering fabric didn’t help because rather than hiding flaws, it shone a light on them. Rippled, puckered turquoise tourniquets were what I got from the dress. And I hated that he sort of blamed his client for the ill-fitting mess, telling us that it fit fine yesterday, but today it’s too tight.
Don’t blame the spunky lady.
Heidi said it looked like a party dress that can’t wait for the party to be over. Rachel Roy said the construction was bad, and when Nina agreed, Benjamin pointed out some skirt details and Nina was like, ‘That’s bad, too.’ Joan Rivers summed up the tightness and the stiffness by asking if the model was hiding the Liberty Bell under her skirt.
Because that’s what it looked like.
So, while Amanda’s dress was all bad and Tu can sew for sh*t—Thanks Michelle—it was Benjamin’s turn to be sent packing. And, of course, he told us it wasn’t fair and he’s really good and it wasn’t his time and ….
I turned the TV off.
MY TAKE
Next week ducks, and duct tape, and prom. Oh my.
Now, about this team business. This is the second, maybe third time, that a team could have won, but they had one god awful look that brought them down. And this is the second, maybe third time, Heidi has mentioned that the teams are missing the point; they don’t have to design as teams, but they have to work together as teams, and help each.
Perhaps had Michelle stopped her confessional box rant at Patricia and actually told Patricia that her design was fug, maybe she might have had a win under her belt.
There is no I in Teams, Michelle, but there is an I in Middle.
What did YOU think?
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