I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

I kinda liked Ryan Lochte during last summer’s Olympics; he seemed like a good guy. But then he came home and suddenly he was Hollywood Lochte, showing up everywhere and, well, now this.

Lochte has his own reality show coming up—I know, who doesn’t?—called What Would Ryan Lochte Do? and he’s decided that he will pattern his reality show celebrity after one Kim Kash Kow Kardashian.

“Kim started from pretty much nothing, and now everyone everywhere knows who she is,” he says. “That’s what I want to do.”

I guess all that chlorine in the pool did a number on his brain cells.

And I guess he’s also gonna do a sex tape with Ray J, then  marry a professional basketball player on TV and divorce about a minute later, and then get knocked up by Kanye West.

The future looks like a dim bulb.

Speaking of the Kash Kow …..

Her sex tape co-star, Ray J, fancies himself some kind of rapper, though his greatest claim to fame is boinking a Kardashian and then getting screwed out of the royalties by Mama Kardashian.

So, with nothing else to do but play up his amateur porn star status, Ray J has released a song that is ALLEGEDLY about the Kash Kow, and it’s lovingly entitled ‘I Hit It First.’ In fact, that picture up there, on the right, is the single cover, and on the left is a Googled image of the Kash Kow. Coinky-dink? I think not.

Plus, here’s a sample of Ray J’s master lyric writing capabilities:

I hit it I hit it I hit I hit I hit I hit I hit it first

I hit it I hit it I hit I hit I hit I hit I hit it first

She might move on to rappers and ballplayers

But we all know I hit it first.

I had her head going North and her ass going South

But now baby chose to go West

It’s kinda funny, in that it’s true, and sad, and kinda pathetic. And because Ray J insists, insists, the song isn't about The Kash Kow.

Madonna has always had a contentious relationship with the African country of Malawi for several reasons. First, she started a charity there—mostly as a way to placate the people of Malawi for circumventing their foreign adoption laws so she could adopt two children—and then there was a lot of money embezzled from the charity, and speculation that maybe Madonna knew more than she was saying. Plus, there was the school that Madonna was going to build, but never did, though she did give money—a lot less than she would have given for The Madonna School of Self-Indulgence—to several other schools.

Then came the embarrassing letter Madge sent to new Malawi President Joyce Banda, with its high-larious grammar errors and sad misspellings. First, she addressed the President by her first name—not done—and then congratulated her on her new job as if it was a secretarial position. She ended by saying, ?Wish you the very best! Best of luck to you!”

It is said that the letter offended Banda, who refused to meet Madge, and then it got worse. See, Madonna went to Malawi anyway, on that ‘charity tour’, and endured all kinds of horrific treatment when she was set to leave. She—Madonna!!!—was made to wait in line at the airport with the ‘regular’ people, and was even frisked by security like a commoner!

Rumor has it the orders to treat Madge like a real person, and not some fake-accented-former-pop-star came from Banda herself, who pretty much confirmed it in a statement that referenced “blackmail”:

“Granted, Madonna is a famed international musician, but that does not impose an injunction of obligation on any government under whose territory Madonna finds herself, including Malawi, to give her state treatment. Such treatment, even if she deserved it, is discretionary not obligatory. …. Kindness, as far as its ordinary meaning is concerned, is free and anonymous. If it can’t be free and silent, it is not kindness; it is something else. Blackmail is the closest it becomes.”

Madonna, of course, is firing back:

“I did not ever ask or demand special treatment at the airport or elsewhere during my visit,” she said in a statement. “I will not be distracted or discouraged by other people’s political agendas. I made a promise to the children of Malawi and I am keeping that promise.”

You, um, promised a school, Madge, and yet there is no school. Explain please? :::crickets::::: Even her own charity admits the donations made were roughly $400,000 and not the $15 million she originally promised.

But that’s Madonna, it’s about her, and what she wants, and not about anyone else.

It looks like serial masseuse groper, John Travolta and his longtime beard, Kelly Preston, might finally call it quits. Rumor has it that it will probably cost Travolta a cool $200 million payout to keep his secrets locked away.

Apparently, since John is getting more notice for his misdeeds than his acting these days, Kelly has demanded that, unless he starts supporting her career, this marriage, such as it is, is over.

 “Kelly has had it up to here with John,” confided a source—possibly a masseur—close to the couple. “She’s tired of always having to take care of their family while he goes off gallivanting around the globe, for work or pleasure. Now it’s her time.”

The couple’s latest problem began in last month when she was given the chance to star in a new sitcom called “Keep Calm and Karey On” and John basically told her ‘No’. He wanted her in Florida taking care of their children and looking like she loves him, like he’s a straight man.

“Kelly and John had a knock-down, drag-out fight at their Florida home that ended with her stalking off and going to Los Angeles,” the source said. “And she told John that unless he changed his tune and started to carry more of the weight in the marriage, she’d see him in divorce court.”

As Olivia once said to John—back when we thought he was straight—and Kelly might be singning today, ‘You better shape up. ‘Cause I need a man … I need a man. Who can keep me satisfied.’

Didn’t work then and probably won’t work now. 

We haven’t seen or heard much from Tom Cruise in the last few months. Oh, he finished another big-budget crapstravaganza and got some more surgery to his face—how else do we explain his sudden passion for the surgical-scar hiding turtle necks unless he’s trying to recapture the 90s?

Then Tommy was said to have broken his silence on his break-up with Katie Holmes, AKA Inmate #29845, when he said he was blindsided and that life is tragic and comic and that he’s fifty and thought he could ‘control’ everyone, er, everything. Now, of course, because he looks like a simpering imp, Tommy’s people are saying he wasn’t taking about the break-up he was talking about being blindsided by the fact that, um, his, um, what is it, his career is teetering on Oblivion­—and that’s not just the name of his newest movie.

In fact, Tommy is so desperate to have this movie put him back on top after the d-i-sastrous Rock Of Ages—an unintentional comedy of bad singing and faux machismo—bombed bigger than his last marriage.

So, what does he do? He showed up at the premiere of the movie five hours early.

FIVE.HOURS.

I imagine him prowling the sidewalk looking for fans: I’m Tom Cruise dammit!

Creepy.

Perez Hilton stepped in it … again … when he posted a story on his site earlier this week claiming that Katy Perry had reunited … Perez-speak for &%$@ed … ex-husband Russell Brand and that they’d been spotted kissing.

Then Katy Tweeted:

And suddenly Perez was all ass-kissy and apologetic and blamed it on his ‘sources’—and by ‘sources, you know he means himself because he sits in his house in a chenille housecoat and blogs gossip and stuff. At least I get dressed before I do it!

Perez said:

A source told us today that they saw Katy Perry and her ex-husband Russell Brand making out, but we have confirmation now it simply wasn’t true! We’re so sorry for jumping the gun on this one, KatyCat and Russ!We were just so excited to imagine two of our favorites were rekindling an old flame, we must’ve been blinded by our love for you guys as a couple!!

He’s lucky Katy didn’t torpedo him with one of her Rocket Boobs.